So, why should it suck?
Well, for one thing it's like a checklist for 80's teen horror movie villein clichés. Our main character is an orphaned, unpopular (save for one close friend), bullied computer wiz. If he only listened to heavy metal and played Dungeons and Dragons, I do believe we'd have a full house.
Young Coopersmith (the aforementioned main character) is in military school, and finds himself on report rather a lot - usually as a result of his bullies' actions, which means he spends as much time taking out the rubbish, or tending to the schools psychotic killer pigs (yes, the military school has a farm full of angry pigs) as he does in class. One particular punishment he receives is to clear out the chapel basement.
But this is no ordinary military chapel - it seems that, in the days of the inquisition, a priest by the name of Esteban was banished, not only from the church, but from all of Spain, for turning to Satan. On arrival in the new world Esteban built a church - years later an entire military school was built around it (!).
And so, while clearing the basement, Coppersmith finds an entire room that no one knew was there (including 'sarge'; the mad and potentially violent old guy who the school allows to live in the basement) in the room he finds some of Esteban 's relics, including a notebook.
After knicking one of the schools computers and sneaking it down into the basement (I never said that this movie didn't require you to suspend disbelief) Coopersmith sets too translating the Latin notebook into English - and in doing so, frees an evil force into the computer.
Y'know... He has a point.
There are a couple of deaths along the way (the school secretary steals the notebook at one point, and is eaten by pigs for her trouble) but the action really doesn't kick off until literally the movie's last nine minutes!
At one point my partner (who refuses to watch these things) asked how my film was, prompting me to say "I'm half way through, nothing nasty has happened, this thing was prosecuted and not passed uncut for 20 years - there'd better be a fucking bloodbath on the way!"
Sadly, there isn't - there's quite a body count (unusually for these things, Coopersmith even takes out some people who didn't particually do anything to him) but it isn't as graphic as you would want, given the length of time it holds out to get there.
I can't be the only one who cringes when someone
in a horror movie has a dog...
The odd pacing doesn't hurt the film though, as it has 90 minutes to mess around with things modern audiences just don't have time for (things like 'character development' and 'setup') and I never actually found by self being board.
Oh, and if some of Coopersmith's mannerisms seem familiar; that's probably because the actor seems to channel his brother, big-shot director and one time Ritchie Cunningham, Ron Howard.
Body Count: 12
Boob Count: 2 pairs
Animal Body Count: 1
Most Memorable Death: When a zombie takes heart...
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