31 Jul 2011

WEEK 11: Cannibal Apocalypse

Alternate Titles : Apocalisse Domani,The Cannibals are in the Streets, Invasion of the Flesh Hunters, Savage Apocalypse, Slaughterers, Cannibals in the City
Year: 1980
Reviews / Author Comments due: 06/08/2011
DPP Status: Successfully Prosecuted

Feel free to use the comments section of this post to add your own reviews and thoughts about this movie.

30 Jul 2011

The Burning - Will's Review


Wow, I'm pleased to announce that I actually enjoyed this weeks movie! Don't get me wrong we're not talking "Oscar for best picture" (or for anything else for that matter) but it was a good, solid 80's slasher movie; if you like 80's slashers, and haven't seen "The Burning", stop reading at the next spoiler warning, and go see it. If you don't like 80's Slashers, I'm really not sure what you're doing here - but please don't go, we love both of our readers!

Seeing names like "Mirimax" and "Weinstein" in the opening credits was a bit surreal, and served as a reminder that the "Video Nasty" phenomenon was not something limited to independent movies and obscure dubbed foreign movies - Here is a "proper" Hollywood movie, that was actually prosecuted, in Britain, in living memory, for being 'Obscene'!

Speaking of the credits, I'll admit my hopes were raised when "Makeup effects by Tom Savini" flashed up; and he didn't disappoint (then, he never does).

If you've been following these 'reviews' (so, me and Lisa then...) you have probably noticed that I'm a Friday the 13th fan, and there's plenty here to remind you of these movies; enough that if it had gone wrong it would have been really annoying, but try to bear in mind that The Burning, at first glance, seems to owe much to FT13 2&3; but bear in mind that this was released in 1981, the same year as FT13pII, so they would have been in production at the same time.

At a summer camp (with a lake, no less) someone is involved, through the carelessness of others, in an accident that, by rights, should have killed him; 5 years later he shows up at a camp across the lake and starts picking off teenagers.

See? A few years later you would swear this was a Jason rippoff!


The difference in killer origin between here and FT13 is quite pronounced  - for one thing, we at home are never lead to believe that Cropsy is dead - we see him in hospital (where tactless doctors gross each other out with him) and we're with him when he stops to pick up a hooker upon his release (Who makes the mistake of being openly horrified by scarred face, and is introduced to the pointy end of a pair of scissors for her poor etiquette). For another thing, his non-death (by burning, obviously) is the result of a prank-gone-wrong, rather than a pure accident.

The pacing was pretty good - in the films first 50 minutes the aforementioned hooker is the only kill - this gives us plenty of time to build suspense and learn who's who in our troupe of camping stereotypes, and means that when the kills do start coming, they come thick and fast - the best scene in the movie was the frantic 5 kill raft rampage, which would have been awesome on it's own merits, but is made more so by it's position in the film; we know that there has been a kill already (our campers don't) so when the 5-man raft finds one of the missing canoes they have been sent to look for I was utterly convinced they would find a body in it - instead  Cropsy jumps out with his trusty shears and proceeds to off the entire population of the raft in about 60 seconds!

On the other hand, we are 'treated' to the most awkward and (thankfully -  for us, not for the girl) brief, teen-sex scene ever. There's also a scene where a guy practically forces himself on a girl; he stops last minute, but not before he's earned (in horror movie terms at least) a death that's too long coming - in fact, the girl meets Cropsy's shears before he dose - fuck you movie!

I would love to have seen a sequel (as, it seems, would others - "the burning 2" is a suggested search on Google as soon as you type in "the burning") but, due mostly to shonky marketing, Cropsy cost twice as much to unleash on the public as the public paid to see him, and so the film was a monumental flop that may well have been forgotten but for the fact that the uncut version was accidentally released on VHS, and so it made the DPP list.

Body Count: 10
Animal Body Count: 0
Boob Count: 2 pairs
Most Memorable Kill: The 5-kid raft slaughter (if I had to pick just one I'd go with the extreme manicure...)

Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the "Reader Reviews" post for this movie.

24 Jul 2011

Week 10: The Burning

Alternate Titles : Cropsy
Year: 1981
Reviews / Author Comments due: 30/7/11
DPP Status: Successfully Prosecuted
BBFC Status: Passed uncut 2008
Wikipedia: The Burning

Feel free to use the comments section of this post to add your own reviews and thoughts about this movie.

23 Jul 2011

The Boogeyman - Will's Review


John Carradine!!! An actual actor!

That's what when trough my head as the opening credits rolled.... unfortunately, it was a case of "lets book a 'name' for one day and film 3 scenes with him in an inconsequential roll, that way we can get his name on the poster without going over budget" a trick that rarely, if ever, indicates a great film...

The film opens with a couple of kids, Lacy and Willy, perving on their mum getting it on on the sofa with her latest boyfriend (who has one of her stockings placed over his head as part of their foreplay - whether this is because he is a foot fetishist, or she's a bank-robber fetishist is never explained), mum spots them and is complicit in (indeed, encouraging of) her partners selected punishment - the little girl is sent to bed scot free, while her brother is gagged and tied to his bed, while mum and her (still stocking faced) fella go of to finish what they started in the master bedroom.

The little girl decided to free her brother using the biggest fucking knife in the house, before her brother traets us to an 'Halloween' "homage" then stabs the abusive bastard who tied him up (sadly, he lets his mother get away with her part in events).

Instant 'Halloween': Just add eye-holes...

Years later, Lacy and Willy are all growed up, and live on their aunt and uncle's farm, along with Lacy's husband, Jack, and son, Kevin. Willy is mute, and both siblings seem to have issues with knives (which I get) and mirrors (because Lacy watched the murder in a mirror, and Willy.... was watched in a mirror... okay, so I don't know why Willy has mirror issues - but he does!).

Speaking of the farm, having used the above 'Halloween' POV shot, The film-makers obviously decided to cover their asses using the old adage "Steal from one and it's plagerism, steal from many and it's research", because this is the farmhouse:

The Boogymanville Horror.

Lacy and Willie get a letter from their mother requesting they visit, which never happens and is never mentioned again, and to make a long story short (and to break the pattern of  my reviews being little more than a cynical synopsis) Lacy's therapist (Carradine, badly underused as I mentioned) suggests that she goes to the house where she grew up - in order to form new memories of the house, which do not involve "that night".

Speaking of the shrink, the hypnosis session leads to another "better movie 'homage'" scene:

"Your mother sucks boogymen in hell!"

By the way - does anyone else think it odd that the slightly-perturbed sibling has a shrink, but the one who actually killed someone and hasn't spoken a word in the 20 years since is left to his own devices to collect knives?

Anyhoo, as luck would have it, the old house is up for sale, so Lacy and Jack go to see the place, where they encounter the (ahead of his time) brilliantly named "Timmy", who lives in the house with his 2 older siosters (and their parents, who are away). Why brilliantly named? well, this:


Thankfully, Timmy and his siblings are cannon fodder, and don't last long after our leads leave (although one of them is incredibly soft skulled, being killed my a tap on the noggin with a medicine cabinet door).

While they are there, Lacy visits her Mum's old bedroom (where Willy did in the asshat) and she is convinced she sees old stocking face in the mirror; this being a movie, she has no qualms whatsoever about picking up a chair in someone else's house and battering the mirror into pieces! Her husband pays for the damage, and takes the pieces of mirror home to glue back together (!) in an attempt to demonstrate to his wife that the mirror is safe (except for all of the sharp broken-glass edges, obviously) and jebus, is this guy good at puzzles?!

Willy admires his brother-in-law's mad jigsaw skillz.

All of which amounts to set-up as, finally, 45 minuets into the movie's 80 minuet run time, the haunted mirror and the traumatised duo are all where they need to be! Huzzah!

From here on in people get possessed, other people die, priests are called, a mirror fragment flies across the room and embed itself as a ghoulish monocle, and being stabbed in the back causes a certain character to bleed profusely... from the top of his head (!).

From a technical point of view, the film is reminiscent of John Carpenter; before you get too excited, I want to to remember that Carpenter is a very overrated film maker! There; I said it! yes, I know it's horror heresy, but lets remember that he didn't just bring us "Halloween", "Halloween II", "The Thing" and "In the mouth of Madness"; he also gave the world a dreadful segment "hair" from the movie "Body Bags", the gadawfull (and utterly unnecessary) "Village of the Damned" remake, the risible "Vampires" and the decidedly average "Prince of Darkness" (worth seeing mainly for the bit where Alice Cooper runs someone through with a bicycle), so when I say "reminiscent of John Carpenter", I mean "...but not on a good day".

All in all, it's not so bad, but it's not great either - I want to tell you that it's terrible and don't bother, but I think I'm just losing patience with these films, as I gave both Absurd and Anthropophagus a pass as forgiveable time-killers, and it's better than either of those!

Body Count: 8
Animal Body Count: 0
Boob Count: 1 pair
Most Memorable Death: French kiss kebab.

Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the "Reader Reviews" post for this movie.

The Boogeyman - Lisa's Review

*** Contains Spoilers ***

This one is a slightly more modern one in the list being from 1980, but does more recent necessarilly mean better? Having watched this movie, it seems not.

We start this movie with a cringeworthy scene with a couple getting cozy on the sofa. The lady in the scene slowly takes off a stocking and oddly puts it over her beaus face (I think it was meant to be sexy, but I don't know what man would find a stinking stocking over his face alluring, or what woman wants to get it on with a thug).

We see 2 young kids watching these erotic goings on from outside the window and find out these are the womans children - Lacey & Willy. Upon catching them spying (why would you want to watch your mother getting it on???) they decide a suitable punishment for Willy is to tie him (gagged) to a bed... Hmmmm questionable. The amorous couple continue with their shenanigans where aforementioned bloke is asked by mother of the year to take the stinking stocking off as 'she doesn't like it any more'. ....meanwhile..... a young Lacey to the rescue, she comes in to the bedroom with a bloody big knife (they make a poor attempt to have us think she is going to dispense with her brother) and cuts Willy free. He goes in and interrupts his mum and her lover and stabs the lover to death! Lovely boy! (I didn't blame him really).

So we have the background for our movie. Onwards.

We cut to the future and a church. This is soley to show us they are god fearing types and introduce us to the stereotypically irish-named Father Reilly, who we will encounter again later. Lacey is married with a young son and lives with her aunt and uncle and Willy, who appears to be a bit backwards. Funny how they always accentuate this by putting the adult character in dungarees....

We have a nice family meal which is used mainly to draw our attention to the fact Willy doesn't speak, Lacey has not got over what happened all those years ago and keeps getting flashbacks when she see's knives and they get a letter from their mother asking to see them. To build on Laceys problem we are treated to one of her nightmares in which she pictures herself in satin and lace blue underwear laying on a bed (doesn't seem much point with sod all to fill it and I found myself wondering if male viewers were disappointed by the lack or boobs, or if indeed it matters ? Will?) She wakes up and is telling her husband about the dream (as the duvet hovers precariously just above her boobs - I bet Will was poised with that pen waiting for the reveal that never came). Her husband decides she needs to 'Get rid of these ghosts once and for all' and suggests she takes her mother up on the offer to meet up and also to go to see the house again to remember it 'how it is now and not how it was then'. Oddly we never arrange a visit with mum and its never mentioned again...

We then cut to a psychiatrists visit which isnt really worth mentioning. He hypnotises Lacey so she can talk about THAT night and she wakes with a ridiculous scream and a stupid voice, like one you would put on to scare a child. I didn't see much of a point for the character at all to be honest.

My notes next say 'Bra-less tart comes to farm and attempts to seduce Willy'. I don't think I need to elaborate any more on that. Her denim jump suit was appalling, she needed a bra badly, her advances were cringe-worthy (including the line that she didn't care that he didn't speak, she liked the fact he was different). Willy rejects her advances by lifting her off the ground and attempting to strange her *snigger*. He watches his actions in a mirror - quite the voyeur our Willy. He drops her, she runs away - shame that.

We are next treated to a scene where Willy is painting all the mirrors in the house black (much to his aunts annoyance). So there is obviously a mirror problem here....

Next off Lacey and her husband have arranged to go to see the old house which is conveniently up for sale so they can have a nose around. As they walk in, we see 2 young, attractive women (how much to guess if they end up as cannon fodder or get their boobs out I wonder...). Lacey has a bit of a moment in the bedroom where it all happened, when she see's the guy her brother killed all those years ago in the mirror (its that mirror thing again) walking towards her. She does what all daft bints in movies do and smashes the mirror in a complete strangers house with a chair. Her husband picks up all the pieces and brings it back with them to fix.... whats all that about???

As predicted the scenes which follow in the house when Lacey and her husband leave, involve both girls (and an annoying child who was also there, I think he was one of the girls sons) to meet their end. Bravo to the film makers for even managing to possess both women and have one hack a large opening in her top so we can have a look at her boobs. She then uses the same scissors to stab herself in the neck. The annoying kid is watching this through the window (what is it with perverted children spying on their mothers?) and the heavy window slides down and drops on his neck *snigger*. The second woman wanders into the bathroom with a sliver of mirror, throws it into the sink and it bursts into flames.... the bathroom cabinet then starts shaking and it swings open and biffs her in the face... I didn't quite understand how this killed her, but it hardly mattered.

We go back to the farm and spot shards of the mirror on the floor, some odd things happen, like flying pitchforks, pieces fly out of the mirror that Laceys husband is trying in vain to repair. I'm dying to hit the FWD button at this stage..... Ok ok so the mirror is possessed with the spirit of this dead guy and weird shit is happening.... where are we going with this.

Next we cut to Lacey & her son fishing on a jetty. We spot a piece of mirror glistening on the sole of Laceys shoe. Hmmmm. This however sets up the best part in the film for me. There are 2 couples having a BBQ on the beach not far from where these 2 are fishing. Blah blah blah.. all pretty boring UNTIL one of a rather amorous pair (it makes sure to set up how much they are all over one another) goes to the car to make to leave and gets a skewer through the back of the head, but thats not it!! Thats not what caused a giggle fest here. His girlfriend comes to see whats keeping him and he turns sideways (avec skewer) and looks at her. The door of the car closes on her bum, pushing her into the car and into what you could call 'a deadly embrace'. They are locked into a kiss and she is skewered also (with the same skewer) oooh how I laughed! What made it even more humorous is that their friends think they are having an extra long kiss and just leave them there.

Finally the husband, aunt and uncle realise Lacey was right about the mirror, so Father Reilly is called (remember him?). We can see he is trying to exorcise this spirit from the mirror. We are all at this stage standing in kitchen, the mirror glows red,everyone stares open mouthed (and yes I mean seriously mouth agog). A shard flies out and into what seems like Laceys eye. (this is a really piss poor effect. At this stage the action (if it can be called that) cuts away and into barn. There is muchos commotion and people go to investigate. Uncle dearest is fixed to the roof by a pitchfork and auntie is in a cupboard tangled in a hosepipe (is it wrong that I also found this a bit funny?

We then cut back to house (because I was on tenderhooks about that red glowing mirror and eye glass). Lacey is nonchalantly preparing dinner and doesn’t seem to care that her uncle and aunt are dead. ‘That’s dinner for 4 then’ she utters. She turns around, piece of glass (or what looks like tinfoil) is glinting in her eye. For some unknown reason, her husbands eyes start bleeding. Enter Father Reilly!!!! He approaches her with crucifix (gotta love that god on a stick) She seems to be levitating as she is considerably taller than him, but it never shows her feet or makes an issue of it. As he reaches to remove the shard of glass, he bleeds more profusely from his head. He manages to pull it free, releasing her from the possession. When he turns around, his back is full of a collection of knives we saw earlier in a drawer which we assumed belonged to Willy, who is watching all of this unfolding with no reaction.

We end the story in a graveyard. There is a piece of glass on Laceys sons shoe. He jumps up and down, it comes off and is left in graveyard as they travel home.

Big waste of time, crap movie. I can't help but wonder why they didn't make more of Willys character but seemed to just leave him alone after he dispensed with the bra-less tart. Also we had David Caradine (a fantastic actor we have to admit) who is barely used and to be honest his character (the doctor) is neither here nor there.

I watched A LOT of horrors in the 80's (my dad is a big fan) and I have to say this is probably pretty much on par with some of the worst ones. Pretty typical to be honest. Not something I would sit through again, it has to be said.

How this was ever a 'video nasty' is anyones guess. Ok so it was removed from the list but how the hell did it ever get on there in the first place?

Boring, banal, bland, dull, bad script, predictably awful, non-memorable deaths, failure to expand on the only promising things about the movie. In all, bloody crap!

Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the "Reader Reviews" post for this movie.

17 Jul 2011

WEEK 9: The Boogyman

Titles : Ulli Lommel's Boogeyman, The Boogey Man, Spectre, The Bogeyman
Year: 1980
Reviews / Author Comments due: 23/07/11
DPP Status: Dropped from list July 1985
BBFC Status: Passed Uncut in 2000
IMDB: The Boogeyman
Wikipedia:The Boogeyman (1980 film)
DVD: Uncut also available In a quad-pack with The Sequel and Halloween parts 4/5

Feel free to use the comments section of this post to add your own reviews and thoughts about this movie.

16 Jul 2011

Bloody Moon - Will's Review

Not great, but for all it's (many, many) flaws I found myself quite enjoying it. I Don't know if I was just in a receptive mood, or if last weeks monstrosity has lowered my expectations (or dulled my senses) enough to cope with anything, but I found myself ignoring certain aspects of this one and enjoy the ride.

The opening sequence is a Masked ball / 80's pool-side party, complete with a scarred pervert in the hedges (I say "scarred" he actually has a pot of silly putty blobbed all over one side of his face) watching people "make out". But he really hits the jackpot when the group stud engages in the most mutually verbally guided sex ever ("kiss me harder", "touch me there" etc.), not because he gets to watch, but because said man-bike is ordered to take his mask off (Mickey Mouse - Disney must love this!) allowing putty-features to pose as him.

Now, you may think I'm beings bit harsh calling him a man-bike for sleeping with one girl, but when or disfigured perve wanders into the party and immediately starts dancing with a girl, her reaction is basically "Oh, I though you were with [another girl], great - want to come back to my place?", he does and she fails to notice how silent he's being, on account that she's happy to have both sides of the conversation "I want you, and You want me too don't you, yes you do, I could tell", they're just about to bump uglies, when she knocks his mask off, and sees that it's not the guy she was after - oddly (!) she objects to this, and her screams are rewarded with a pair of scissors to the gut - repeatedly and unconvincingly.

Cut to 5 years later, and Scar-face's sister has come to pick him up from the asylum, the possibility of him having another 'Episode' is deemed unlikely, but she is told, never the less, to avoid upsetting situations, and in particular to 'never mention that night'.

So, attempted rape and a murder is 'an episode' now...

Anyway, on the way home on the train putty-features becomes slightly obsessed with some poor girl (hilariously, when the girl screams, blobby-chops' sisters' first question is "you didn't kill her did you?"

Over the next few scenes we are introduced to our (fairly sizeable) cast, all of whom either attend, run or own the 'International Youth-Club Boarding School of Langueges', which has newly opened in the privately owned complex of bungalows which houses the pool from the opening party. Our cast of characters consists of

  • Miguel - The Aforementioned scared murderer / attempted rapist 
  • Manuela - Miguel's Sister 
  • Angela - Our obvious "Final Girl", remember the girl from the train? This is her, she also just happens to be attending the language school! 
  • Countess Maria - Wheelchair bound Aunt of Miguel and Manuela - she owns the entire bungalow complex and the mansion above it, and is vocal in her dislike of Manuela and her intention to leave everything to her nephew. 
  • Alvaro - Who, With Manuela, runs the school 
  • Antonio - School janitor and groundskeepers, known for being a hit in the sack, and not afraid to offer his services as a willing piece of meat. Make the Man-Bike from the pool party look like a modest prude. 
  • Bueno - Slightly retarded, bald grounds-staff member at the school 
  • Eva / Rita / Inga / probably more - Interchangeable blonde students of the school, nubile cannon fodder. 
Our first death comes when the cantankerous Countess is woken by a blinding light, she begs for the light to be turned off, and it is - then someone sets her on fire (unconvincingly) with a flaming torch.

Which brings us to the first major plot-problem... The movie tries hard to keep us guessing not only who the killer is, but why, and who is 'in on it', but for the entire rest of the movie we will frequently see Manuella pushing her Aunt around in her wheelchair (always with her back to camera), and generally acting as though she is still alive (although she never speaks), so guessing her involvement is not the most challenging task...

We are told that Angela is staying in Bungalow 13, which has a bit of a reputation amongst the girls as it is the bungalow in which a girl was stabbed to death with scissors 5 years ago (that the murder was committed by the landowner's nephew apparently isn't known to them). Brilliantly / Awfully, although it is never mentioned on screen, Bungalow 13 still has the same furniture now, as a boarding room in a school, as it had then, as a private residence and murder-scene.

Angela has a bit of a rought time of it on her first day in the bungellow - first she catches Bueno perving through her window, then she (imagines she?) catches sight of Miguel in her mirror, then a looming figure approaches her door - luckily this traumatic time is brought to an when the figure turns out to be an underage door-to-door ceramic elephant seller... No, Really!

Would I lie to you?

At one point, Manuela is pottering around her room in the mansion in a see-through nightie when there is a knock at the door; it's her brother. At this point, I have written in my notes "He seems very relaxed chatting to his sister while her boobs are vis.... Ohhhh, Ewwwwww" As at this point, they start making out, while Miguel begs her to "love him again like [she] did before"... It is truly the most desturbing consentual (thankfully not quite) sex scene I have ever seen! Thankfully, she calls it off befor things get, well even worse, Remiding him that it would be wrong as people would judge them, she (rather stupidly) says to him that they could be together if they "Could just get rid of everyone arround [them]" doubletripplecringe!

Later, at the Campus "Disco Club", Antonio, dispite having every interchangeable blond in the place virtually begging him for sex, decides to walk Angela home. Literally walk her home. He doesn't even ask to come in!

Some time later, the killer stalks Angela in her room - and he has mad vanishing skills! I know ALL slasher villains have super stealth, but check this guy out:

Actually, I'm glad that clip contained musak - I'm quite certain the score on this one will have driven Lisa nuts, containing as it does 2 themes; There's the one from the trailer (which is usally source music - playing over the radio, on whatever) and the one in the clip above, which for some reason puts me in mind of a bad cover of G'n'R's version of "Live and Let Die".

Anyway, the knock at the door is one of the interchangeables, who comes over to borrow a sweater from Angela, but instead gets stabbed (from behind) through the tit - ouch! unfortunately for Angela, the body vanishes before she has time to tell anyone, and general consensus is that she imagined the whole thing.

Angela (perhaps understandably) does start to loose it at this point; she imagines that the language lab (remember those?) in her class is threatening her.

Later, she goes for a walk down by the harbour to look for her murdered friend (The harbour is stunning by the way) where she sees Manuela hasteling Antonio, and then nearly gets crushed by a falling rock - which she thinks is a matter for the police...

I'd verb her nouns out!

And so it continues, there a a couple more (fake looking) murders (including an "I'll be right back"), more scenes of Manuela wheeling around her (unmoving) aunt, Shots of Bueno being creepy and retarded, and a fun aside where Antonio "saves" Angela by cutting a Snake with some shears, but all she knows is that she turns around to see him holding up the bloody shears at her.

Eventually, 3 of the bodies turn up in Angela's bungalow, She is confronted by the masked killer, and rescued by Miguel, leaving the 2 to fight, she runs to the mansion where she is drugged, and the plot revealed.

In true slasher fashion, everyone present (but final girl) gets killed, just in time for the police to arrive.

As I saw, I quite enjoyed it, but now I come to describe the film, I can't for the life of me see why...

But there's enough potential here IMO to warrant a remake (I never got the point of remaking films which ether never had anything going for them - "Prom Night", or were already pretty much perfect "Nightmare on Elm Street" - lets remake the films with wasted potential!) - a bit more back story about what caused Miguel's "episode" in the first place could set him up as a much more sympathetic character (while at the same time developing the sister) and not actually showing us the Aunt's murder would help the mystery along no-end.

Over-all (like the first 2 films on our list) I can't openly recommend this one, but if it happens to be on, and you happen to have nothing to do, I've sat through worse (at least twice in the last 4 weeks).

Human Body Count: 7
Animal Body Count: 1
Boobs: 6 pairs
Most memorable death: Stabbed trough the boob.

Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the "Reader Reviews" post for this movie.

Bloody Moon - Lisa's Review


This movie is IMHO one of the biggest wastes of anyones time who puts it on. I'm a stickler for doing things when I say I'm going to and hey I want to be able to say I have seen all the movies on this list in their entirety but jesus christ! I wish I could have switched this one off before the end!

It reminds me that the 80's is well and truely the decade that taste forgot. Everything here is bloody awful! The hair, the clothes, the music.... well just everything.

We start this movie being introduced to Miguel, a young man at the centre of this movie with a facial disfigurement (which looks like a child had has fun with some play putty). He attends a masquerade ball, convenient that with his face an' all. I looked more like a tacky 80's pool part to me, but there you go....

He ends up having sex with a young lady who has no idea who he is... when she finds out, she is less than enamoured to continue. Not happy with this he stabs her to death with a pair of scissors. The blood is crap, the special effects are crap.

The movie continues by Miguel being institutionalised and then released into the care of his sister Manuela (who he is having an incestuous relationship with). They travel home on the train and Miguel sets eyes on Angela, who he quickly becomes obsessed with and follows everywhere.

We see a cringeworthy scene with Miguel and his sister almost getting it on, where she stops and says its wrong and she's his sister. Bit late for that now lovey! She utters the immortal line "If only we could get rid of everyone"... cue the motive for the rest of the movie. Simple really.

Manuela runs a language school with her grumpy arsed Aunt Maria Contessa which is conveniently full of nubile, young, pretty, perfect breasted females (there are also a few young arrogant men for good measure to patronise the woman who tried to convince everyone else about the murderer).

We have several shit death scenes with bad makeup. Firstly we lose old grumpy auntie (I think with a burning torch), A knife through the boob (well they were getting them out an awful lot, it was bound to happen) a garotting type pincher thingy, a circular saw (that was monumentally awful when the actress turned into a very bad mannequin).

Of course we're meant to blame all this carnage on poor old mental pervert Miguel, but in actual fact, Manuela and her real life boyfriend are to blame (oh quelle surprise!!) Unfortunately as they discuss their devilish plans, everything they have done and as she expresses her disgust for Miguels face, he overhears everything from the door.

Manuela then in her greed to inherit her aunts estate, turns on her stupid-arsed donkey-boy boyfriend, who did all the killings for her and tells him to sod off.

Miguel then runs upstairs where Angela (the only survivor) is resting and jumps on top of her expressing his love. She stabs him through the neck with what looks like a poker and that's that then!!! She dashes downstairs to see Manuela fighting with her boyfriend on the floor about who is getting what and hot foots it into a lounge where she see's auntie dearests burnt remains on a seat. Rather the shock when she's asking for help really....

As Manuela's boyfriend tries to kill Angela, Manuela rushes in and kills him with hedge trimmers!!! *yawn* but DU-DU-DUUUUUHHHH Miguel appears (complete with poker still through his neck - yup he's still alive!) and takes out his sister Manuela, by choking.....

Cue good guy turnng up with police to save Angela. Miguel dies on floor beside Manuela... THE END!! Complete pile of bollocks!!!

Too poor to score. I feel the worst one yet.

Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the "Reader Reviews" post for this movie.

10 Jul 2011

WEEK 8: Bloody Moon

Alternate Titles : The Bloody Moon Murders, The Saw of Death, Collegialas Violadas, Profonde Tenebre, Die Saege des Todes
Year: 1981
Reviews / Author Comments due: 16/07/11
DPP Status: Final 39 - Successfully prosecuted.
Wikipedia: Bloody Moon
DVD: Uncut

Feel free to use the comments section of this post to add your own reviews and thoughts about this movie.

9 Jul 2011

Blood Rites - Will's Review.


Not a good "Wow", but "Wow" never the less...

I'm glad I decided against a star-rating system for my reviews here, because I would have given "The Beast In Heat" Zero, and now I'd be stuck as to how to grade this lower... In fact; I'm loath to give it a full review, as I resent putting more effort into the movie than the film-makers did!

In my notes I've written "WHEN THE FUCK IS THIS MOVIE SET?" it looks like a bad knockoff of a BBC costume drama, but the language used seems (at times at least) to be modern (by which I mean 70's).

The opening scene features a couple exploring a private (we are told, uninhabited) island; how they got there and why we do not know, but it isn't long before the guy decides to ditch his girlfreind where she is, and go explore an overgrown area - brilliently, 28 years before Scream's Randy burned the Cliché into the public conscious, our douchbag lead actor says "I'll be right back".

He isn't.

Instead he's murdered... I think.

Actually  I'm sure he's murdered, but what, specifically, goes down remains a mystery - The camera seems to have been passed to an epileptic monkey who just ate a fitsfull of class B narcotics, and (dispite rewinding and re-watching TWICE) I have no idea how, or by who (Wikipedia says that it was Colin - the retarded servant we will meet later in the film, but I'm quite sure it wasn't); whoever it was, they kill his lady friend too, and the pair of them are never mentioned again.

We are then introduced to three sisters, and their respective husbands, each of which have received a letter from Grandpa from 'The Texas Chain Saw Massacre' Lawyer Dobbs, the doddery old git in charge of their late Fathers' estate.

"Now don't you cry. Grandpa is the best. This won't hurt a bit..."
Sorry, wrong move.

It seems Daddy dearest didn't want his will to be read until all 3 girls were "Married and settled down" (even the youngest has been married 3 years at this point), an that isn't even the oddest thing in the will; It turns out he hated their mother, who he paints as a total bitch, and wants their old family home to see "3 nights of marital bliss" and so his vast fortune isn't to be split until the couples have spent 3 nights in "sexual harmony" there, they are told that the boat (the house is on the island from the opening of the film) Will collect them in the morning. It is also through Lawyer Exposition Dobbs that we learn what little we know of the Girls' Father - his fortune came from a company he ran in South America (I forget doing what but, like much of the film, it's unimportant) and the Girls barely ever met him - he returned home just 5 times, and conceived the girls on 3 of those 5 visits.

Oh, and the House's Staff will be waiting for them... Yes, like just like "The Beyond" this recently-inherited (but stood empty for years) house comes with staff who have had very little to do for the last however many years - Unlike the beyond's layabout house-staff though, sibling trio Martha, Hatty, who look like nothing so much as pantomime "Ugly sisters",  and their retarded hunchback brother Colin have at least been keeping the place clean and warm.

Let's make her stay behind and clean, while we 
go to the ball!

Predictably enough, once they arrive, people start dying - and they're all very casual about it; indeed, after the 3rd murder is descovered (One of the sisters'  heads finds its way under a serving trivet at dinner time) the only remaining husband barks at his wife to "for god's sake stop crying".

The whole time we are clearly supposed to think that Colin is the murderer, but anyone who has ver seen a movie before will know that this isn't the case if only becauise of how hard the film tries to convince us it is!

Eventually  film slowly (and clumsily) lurches to a ludicrous "twist" ending which is, in true slasher / who dunnit tradition, explained by the killer, shorty before they are dispatched, leaving no proof of what went on. Also, the killers plan makes no sense; it relies on them using a fact no-one on earth but themselves knows about in order to enlist themselves as sole hair to the house and estate!

One of the husbands has an obnoxious rich brother (who may me sexually attracted to him), another of the husbands tries to rape his wife, one of the sisters is said to be psychic, and there is a trunk in the attic which is somehow connected to the inheritance - like the opening murders all of these things are introduced, and never mentioned again!

I've had a quick peek a a draft of Lisa's review, and she's gone though the plot in some detail - I suggest you give it a look if you want to know more about this dreadful, dreadful movie! but for the love of all that's unholy, do not waste your time tracking down a copy and watching it, even if you want to watch all 72 'nasties' just skip this one and lie about it - I wish I had!

Body Count: 9
Animal Body Count: 1
Boob Count: 2 pairs
Most Memorable Death: Dinner is served!

Who do I write to for my time back?

Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the "Reader Reviews" post for this movie.

Blood Rites - Lisa's Review

*** Warning: Contains Spoilers ***

As this movie started, I had a feeling of dread,so monumentally awful was the opening scene. I have no idea what year it is meant to be set in, but the leading lady has a bonnet and parasol.. need I say more? She is having a lovely day in a meadow-like setting with her beau. The conversation is cringe worthy, the accents terrible. All of a sudden, in the midst of getting cozy with his lady, the young man states "I want to take a look around". Okaaaaaaaaaaaay, so we know something is about to happen. Thank gawd, I thought. The scene which follows is most odd and I never managed to tie it together to the rest of the movie, try as I might. Some maniac creeps up on him, the way this is shot (underneath trees with the sun shining through, muchos shadows) makes it very hard to see what is happening. I found myself wondering... was that an eyeball protruding as he gets his head battered in? This scene is quite brutal and effective it has to be said and comes out of nowhere. However why the guy getting a beating felt the need to drape his hand over the aforementioned possible eyeball protrusion is anyones guess. It had me wondering what the hell I had seen. Even a couple of rewinds didn't help. Even when he is dragged off screen by his murderer, that bloody hand doesn't budge!

His parasol wielding girlfriend follows and as she peers through a gap, her conveniently outstretched hand is unceremoniously hacked off before she meets her maker also. Now follows the opening credits??

So while I'm somewhat confused as to what's going on, we start the movie with a love scene between a married couple. We skip to 2 other couples and similarly cringe worthy love scenes. This movie is a perfect illustration to me as to why we never see ugly people in sexual situations *shudder*. Anyways we get to know these 3 'sweet' couples and discover that the 3 ladies (Victoria, Veronica & Elizabeth) are in fact sisters whose parents have both passed away and are due for some inheritance. They need to travel to New York to get this.

The husband of one of the sisters has a brother called Walter who they call upon to lend them money to travel to New York. He is only shown once in the movie so it kind of made me wonder why his inclusion at all. He was a very creepy individual who obviously has the hots for his own brother, who describes him as 'having abnormal tastes'. Very odd indeed. He gets his money and we all head for New York.

We next cut to a very creepy old solicitor who advises them that their father (who concieved the 3 sisters in his only 5 visits home in his life) had 4 conditions to his estate and money being divided amongst the sisters. They were as follows:

1) They must live at his old residence Grinshaw House in sexual harmony for 3 days.
2) On the morning of the 3rd day an envelope with a V on should be opened.
3) A Large trunk in the attic should them be opened.
4) Should anything happen during the stay, the eldest daughter should re-distribute the inheritance.

Seems simple enough? Of course they go to the house and allsorts kicks off. The servants are there to look after them - 3 siblings Colin (who is simple minded),Aggie and Martha. They are quite ominous characters so we know everything is not as it seems with them right away. In an attempt to illustrate Colins simple-mindedness and violent tendencies, we are treated to a scene where he picks up a rather cute fluffy bunny and starts eating it. Thankfully he turns his back to the camera for the actual kill. This rabbit later turns up in the youngest sisters bed as a start to the shenanigans.

What follows is people getting increasingly more ill tempered, greedy, violent and acting completely out of character as if the house is having some sort of effect on them. The eldest sister wants everything for herself with no thought for her sisters. The husband of the youngest sister starts beating her and forcing himself on her such is his irritation at her crying at the unravelling events.

The 3 husbands one by one meet their maker in very unimaginative ways. First off Richard meets his maker on the first night and is hung up in the hallway by his feet. Secondly Donald meets a grisly end with a saw while helping Colin in the cellar (some crap disembowelling & sawing follows). Thirdly our last husband gets a pitchfork through the neck again whilst helping Colin in the attic... kind of common thread. Of course the more astute amongst us will know Colin has sod all to do with it.

We are also treated to Elizabeths head served up on a silver platter beneath a cloche for dinner. The other 2 sisters however are spared only to meet the murderer at the end of the movie. We have only seen a hooded figure to this point.

In the conclusion Martha and Colin are attacked as Martha finds a photo which holds some form of revelation,which we aren't party to. Martha is killed and Colin is badly hurt (we are to assume possibly dead). The perpetrator is none other than their big sister Aggie (who oddly is now calling herself Hattie?).

It seems she was the first born and eldest child. Her mother died and her father (also their father) re-married. Their mother was hideously cruel to her behind closed doors (kind of Cinderella if you will). She starved, beat and enslaved her. She also hired 2 orphaned children (Colin & Martha) to act as her siblings so she could have slaves of all 3. She beat Colin so badly, he ended up simple minded. So it seems that Hattie / Aggie is in fact the beneficiary to the estate and that would have been contained in the chest and envelope that we never got to see.....

Just as she shouts "Bye Veronica, Bye Victoria" and attempts to axe them through the head, Colin appears as hero of the half hour and kills her. The film ends quite abruptly with no more explanation.... very odd.

This is better than the first 4 movies on the list, but not as good as The Beyond. It is watchable however, although the gore is rubbish. Inclusion on the list is ridiculous.

Gore Score: 2/10
Overall Score: 4/10

Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the "Reader Reviews" post for this movie.

3 Jul 2011

WEEK 7: Blood Rites

Alternate Titles : The Ghastly Ones
Year: 1968
Reviews / Author Comments due: 09/07/11
DPP Status: Final 39 - Successfully prosecuted
BBFC Status: Never Passed
Wikipedia: Blood Rites

Feel free to use the comments section of this post to add your own reviews and thoughts about this movie.

2 Jul 2011

Blood Feast - Will's Review

Herschell Gordon Lewis' 1963 gore flick is not only the oldest movie on the DPP list (and one of the first additions to said list) but is possibly the first true "splatter" movie.

The Tagline boasts "Nothing so Appealing in the Annals of Horror", and back in '63 this was probably not Hyperbole; but how does it stand up now, more than 45 years later?

The plot involves Fuad Ramses, An Egyptian caterer and Author (of the hilariously titled "Ancient Weird Egyptian Rites") who worships the Goddess Ishtar (actually a Babylonian god, but Egyptian for purposes of the film) and appears to have painted his hair and eyebrows a greyish blue...

We learn (through a night-school lecture) that Ramses intends to make the goddess flesh by preforming a cannibalistic ritual that while allow her to inhabit a human body - in this case the body of our heroin, Birthday girl, Suzette. 

Coincidence is the order of the day here - Suzette just happens to be interested in Egyptology, and so her mother is open to the idea of an 'Authentic' Egyptian feast when she just happens to go to Fuad Ramses' Exotic Catering to organise her birthday party. 

This week's lecture at the night-school she attends just happens to be about the feast of Ishtar, and the male student she is dating just happens to be the lead investigator on the case of the spate of girls being murdered (by Ramses) in the area - not that the police have no idea that there is an Egyptian theme to the murders - the officer just happens to attend the lectures in his spare time... 

Speaking of the Police, the "office" that the Homicide department work out of is clearly a very small corner of a very large, otherwise very bear, room - every time we see this room it is from the same, fixed, vantage point, and the budget clearly didn't stretch to re-dubbing the dialogue, as the voices in all the homicide office scenes are ridiculously echoey.

I wouldn't want you to think that the poor writing and acting in those to clips was typical for the whole movie by the way... Most of it is FAR worse:

So, the plot, acting and direction are all piss poor, but that's okay - this movie exists for one reason -as an excuse to get gory death on screen! in 1963!

Back then, this would doubtlessly have been incredibly shocking - unfortunately some 45+ years later, to our jaded eyes, it looks like what it is - a bunch of bright red paint, offal and shop-dummy parts.

Alas, although this is (in its own small way) an 'important' film, there is nothing to recommend it to a modern audience - go watch Lewis' "Two Thousand Maniacs" or "Wizard of Gore" instead (they're not exactly masterpieces either, but they're better than this).

By the way - at the end of the movie, is the hint of a sequel; it took 39 years, but it Lewis made it happen!

Body Count: 6
Animal Body Count: 0
Boob count: 1 pair (plus several gratuitous bikini shots)
Most Memorable Death: None - to be honest, they all bleed together (no pun intended)

Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the "Reader Reviews" post for this movie.