Not a good "Wow", but "Wow" never the less...
I'm glad I decided against a star-rating system for my reviews here, because I would have given "The Beast In Heat" Zero, and now I'd be stuck as to how to grade this lower... In fact; I'm loath to give it a full review, as I resent putting more effort into the movie than the film-makers did!
In my notes I've written "WHEN THE FUCK IS THIS MOVIE SET?" it looks like a bad knockoff of a BBC costume drama, but the language used seems (at times at least) to be modern (by which I mean 70's).
The opening scene features a couple exploring a private (we are told, uninhabited) island; how they got there and why we do not know, but it isn't long before the guy decides to ditch his girlfreind where she is, and go explore an overgrown area - brilliently, 28 years before Scream's Randy burned the Cliché into the public conscious, our
He isn't.
Instead he's murdered... I think.
Actually I'm sure he's murdered, but what, specifically, goes down remains a mystery - The camera seems to have been passed to an epileptic monkey who just ate a fitsfull of class B narcotics, and (dispite rewinding and re-watching TWICE) I have no idea how, or by who (Wikipedia says that it was Colin - the retarded servant we will meet later in the film, but I'm quite sure it wasn't); whoever it was, they kill his lady friend too, and the pair of them are never mentioned again.
We are then introduced to three sisters, and their respective husbands, each of which have received a letter from
"Now don't you cry. Grandpa is the best. This won't hurt a bit..."
Sorry, wrong move.
It seems Daddy dearest didn't want his will to be read until all 3 girls were "Married and settled down" (even the youngest has been married 3 years at this point), an that isn't even the oddest thing in the will; It turns out he hated their mother, who he paints as a total bitch, and wants their old family home to see "3 nights of marital bliss" and so his vast fortune isn't to be split until the couples have spent 3 nights in "sexual harmony" there, they are told that the boat (the house is on the island from the opening of the film) Will collect them in the morning. It is also through Lawyer
Oh, and the House's Staff will be waiting for them... Yes, like just like "The Beyond" this recently-inherited (but stood empty for years) house comes with staff who have had very little to do for the last however many years - Unlike the beyond's layabout house-staff though, sibling trio Martha, Hatty, who look like nothing so much as pantomime "Ugly sisters", and their retarded hunchback brother Colin have at least been keeping the place clean and warm.
Let's make her stay behind and clean, while we
go to the ball!
Predictably enough, once they arrive, people start dying - and they're all very casual about it; indeed, after the 3rd murder is descovered (One of the sisters' heads finds its way under a serving trivet at dinner time) the only remaining husband barks at his wife to "for god's sake stop crying".
The whole time we are clearly supposed to think that Colin is the murderer, but anyone who has ver seen a movie before will know that this isn't the case if only becauise of how hard the film tries to convince us it is!
Eventually film slowly (and clumsily) lurches to a ludicrous "twist" ending which is, in true slasher / who dunnit tradition, explained by the killer, shorty before they are dispatched, leaving no proof of what went on. Also, the killers plan makes no sense; it relies on them using a fact no-one on earth but themselves knows about in order to enlist themselves as sole hair to the house and estate!
One of the husbands has an obnoxious rich brother (who may me sexually attracted to him), another of the husbands tries to rape his wife, one of the sisters is said to be psychic, and there is a trunk in the attic which is somehow connected to the inheritance - like the opening murders all of these things are introduced, and never mentioned again!
I've had a quick peek a a draft of Lisa's review, and she's gone though the plot in some detail - I suggest you give it a look if you want to know more about this dreadful, dreadful movie! but for the love of all that's unholy, do not waste your time tracking down a copy and watching it, even if you want to watch all 72 'nasties' just skip this one and lie about it - I wish I had!
Body Count: 9
Animal Body Count: 1
Boob Count: 2 pairs
Most Memorable Death: Dinner is served!
Who do I write to for my time back?
Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the "Reader Reviews" post for this movie.
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