SS Experiment Love Camp - Lisa's Review

*** SPOILERS ***

So ANOTHER Nazi Sexploitation movie *YAWN*.  The last one I am assured, thank gawd!

What to say?  This movie is a big steaming pile of poo.  It probably didn't help that I had to watch it on a faulty laptop which made a constant loud whirring noise the entire time, but I don't think the comfort of a lounge on the sofa and my DVD player would have made much difference. 

Soooo, a storyline?  Hmmmm lots of attractive German females POW's who are used in experiments, mostly sexual, in order to spawn the perfect Arian race.  There are non sexual experiments but they seem to be reserved for the less attractive of the women and seem to have no place in the movie at all.  Everything seems to have a very 'tame' nature to it.  I know that sounds like an odd thing to say and I'm not saying I have a penchant for watching horrid human experiments or rapes, but if you're going to do this kind of movie, surely the aim is to shock, disgust, infuriate?   This movie is neither strong enough nor clever enough to evoke any kind of emotion, other than perhaps mild amusement and boredom.

 The rapes for example (as that's what they were) seemed to be something the women enjoyed.  There was no need for violence or restraint as would have been the case in this situation.   I neglected to say that it is a woman in charge of the experiments (reminiscent of The Beast in Heat), but the acting is so poor and the dubbing is so bad, there was no way you could take her seriously.

While i'm on the subject of not taking something seriously, can I point out that another of the reasons the experiments are being carried out were to find a 'replacement pair of testicles' for a colonel who lost his by way of a rather vicious prostitute.  He wants to find the perfect pair of balls to replace what he's missing.  Step forward Helmut, a patriotic German willing to do anything for his country.  I don't think he quite knew what he would be sacrificing however.

His balls are indeed removed in a shoddy looking operation and are left in a dish in all their glory, just for our amusement.  The most amusing thing of all however, is that Helmut has no idea his bits have been removed until he tries to have sex with a prisoner he is having a relationship with.   On discovery that he has been castrated, he rushes to his superior and demands to know "What have you been doing with my balls?"... I kid you not!  This is a serious line of dialogue!

I'm not really sure what else I can say about this movie as I my previous paragraph left you with an idea as to the 'quality' of this movie.  I thought it sucked.  It was weak and didn't achieve what it set out to.  I don't think it would have even titillated the perverts amongst the viewers as it was so mild, not even up to soft porn standards.   I should have known straight away to be honest.  An early scene in the movie where the female prisoners are ordered to shower as they stink should also give an idea as to the quality we should expect.  They all stand around giggling and moaning with pleasure as the camera zooms in on their 'that really needs a waxing/shaving' bits.  I mean seriously?? If all I can think about is how badly these women need to tend to their gardens, what hope does the movie have?

I won't stick an 'avoid' on this weeks movie, but its only just escaped.  Congratulations 'What have you been doing with my balls' line.  A chuckle saved you.

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The House by the cemetery - Lisa's Review

A nice little movie this week! Another Fulci offering. This movie is apparently a part of an unofficial trilogy with The Beyond which we watched a few months ago when we were still on 'B' and City of the living dead.

*** SPOILERS ***

Although the movie is quite dated as you would expect and the poor dubbing is irritating, I still managed to enjoy this movie. Its a good little afternoon view. I didn't find anything particularly scary, but the makeup in places is very good. Its just in shame in some other places, its so bad.

The basic premis without going into too much detail is a family (Mum Lucy, Dad Norman and young boy Bob) moving to a town called New Whitby due to the the father (Norman) having to research some old houses. The house they move into however is not as innocent as it seems.

We 'the viewer' already have this information on board from the opening scene of a young woman (topless at that... why do women never wear bras in these movies?) who is murdered via a knife to the back of the head (which protrudes from her mouth) as she is looking for her boyfriend. Also Bob keeps seeing the ghost of a young girl Mae who warns him not to go to the house.

Of course they go anyway and the inevitable happens.

They have gravestones in the garden and even in the hallway, of a family called 'The Freudsteins (on a side note, this really bothered me as they were referred to as Freudsteens in the movie, but german pronunciation dictates that with an ie or ei, you pronounce the last letter, so they should have been referred to as Freudstine!) anyways I deviate. We find out that Dr Freudstein does what all historical doctors have done in movies like this....illegal experiements. He also ends up killing his family.

We find out Freudstein is in fact still alive and in the cellar of the house as he is using parts from his victims to regenerate his blood cells. The reveal is kind of disappointing. He looks kind of like a withered ET and a scene which shows only his eyes glowing in the cellar when young Bob comes across him is just laughable.

Nothing much more to the story really. Bad stuff happens, people die.

Points worth noting in the movie are the doggedly determined, haemophiliac bat (very amusing scene), the stabbing by poker (what a horrid way to go and very good effects) and the slow decapitation by knife (again good effects, but let down by the poor severed head rolling down the stairs later).

The movie has its faults, but on the whole, it was a fun watch and something I would watch again. This one gets a 'recommended' from me.

Something I've gained from watching these movies is an appreciation of Mr Fulci!

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Flesh for Frankentein - Lisa's Review

*** SPOILERS ***

I'm hoping I can remember enough about this movie to so it justice with my review. I say do it justice, but I can see most people around my house ready to kick my rather ample posterior after having watched this one on my recommendation. I stand stubbornly forth though and state, 'I enjoyed this movie'. Why did I enjoy it? Well.....

For starters, I don't think Flesh for Frankenstein is to be taken very seriously. Although there are some very dark and disturbing scenes within the movie (copulation with a ladies innards being one), everything seems to be very tongue in cheek.

Our premis here is the basic Frankenstein idea of a mad scientist who creates a life. In this case, our scientist (who for the record is married to his nympho sister and has 2 kids, none of which he seems to have very much time for) is attempting to create the perfect male and female beings to start a master race with him as the führer. (see what I did there?...)

He is played by a new crush of mine, Udo Kier. We have seen him before in Exposé. Its a shame he's old now, but hey he's well worth a watch in this. The eyes are hypnotic! Hell, he even made humping his female creations innards seem somewhat appealing.

So where was I? In our movie, we arrive as the female has been fully created (we could have done with bigger boobs in my humble opinion, but hey ho). Our male is just missing a head. The scientist dictates that the owner must be a bit of a perv (kind of a Quagmire if you will) and he seems a bit obsessed with it having the perfect nose? Unfortunately as he sets out to aquire this head with his faithful assistant (everything about the assistant is hilarious, from his facial expressions, to the way he moves, to the lines he delivers), they mistake a young man who seems to have no interest in sex whatsoever (and in fact wants to be a monk) for a sexual pervert as he is seen coming out of a brothel. In fact he is only in there as his best friend (who just so happens to be a sexual pervert) is desperate to convince him that a religious, sex free life is not the way to go. He convinces him to try sex just once.

The actual beheading scene is well worth a belly laugh, as is the severed head when it has left his body... it is well deserving of a place in the crap 'chamber of horrors' I visited in Blackpool as a kid. Another belly laugh was had when the 2 of them put the completed male and female together later in the movie and on constant demands of her to kiss her male counterpart, they stare at his genitals, wondering why there is no movement. Poor bugger.

The story in this movie is just plain weird. The scientists horny wife hires the friend of our frigid wannabe monk as her 'man servant' - I'll let you guess what she uses him for. He sees his friend (or should I say his friends head) behaving rather oddly and starts an investigation into whats happening.

After more weird happenings, the sex with a surgical wound scene and lots of really crap sex scenes (that horny guy REALLY needs to learn how to kiss) we culminate in the female creation being destroyed after the assistant tries to replicate his masters sexual prowess, The male creation strangles the assistant and then impales the mad scientist on a spear-like implement, lancing his liver on the end in the process (you can see the bits made for 3D). Our male creation ignores his friends pleas and feels he is better off dead and so kills himself.

We end the movie with the man servant being the only one left hanging above this whole mess. The scientists children walk into the room and pick up a scalpel each and start to turn the winch he's attached to. You're left to make your own mind up as to whether they are going to cut him down and rescue him or continue their dads work. Given the opening credits of the movie where they cut the heads off their toys and sew them onto different toys, I go with continue their fathers work.

Wierd movie, funny movie but one I have to admit I did enjoy. Will deffo seek out the movie where Udo plays the count!

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The Beast in Heat - Lisa's Review

*** CONTAINS SPOILERS ***

I am torn with this movie. Part of me found it extremely distasteful and sick (the first so far where I could understand what all the fuss was about) but the other part of me found it too much like soft porn or movies like 'Flesh Gordon' to take in any way seriously. Had this movie been filmed with a darker mood and in all seriousness, I probably would have had problems watching it all the way through. That's not due to it being particularly horrific or having scenes which were bad enough for it to warrant prosecution, but just due to the fact I am a female viewer and much as I don't like typical sexist stereotypes, I think there are specific acts which men find easier to view than women.

There was 1 scene in this entire movie where a crying baby is snatched from its mother by a german officer and thrown into the air and shot (off camera) which is probably the only 'nasty' part in this movie played out seriously.

The general storyline involves a female nazi officers' experiment, where she creates a neanderthal-looking, sex-crazed creature, which spends the movies duration in a cage naked. Female prisoners are subjected to being thrown into the cage so this 'monster' can have his way with them while prison guards and the officers look on in amusement. These scenes are not particularly shocking, but more amusing to be honest as this incompetant, brainless creature does what only an animal could do, including ripping out the hair on one particularly thick muff. Thats something thats plentiful in this movie... very hairy female genitals! Makes you want to rush onto the set with some wax strips....

Also plentiful are boobs of all sizes and shapes. This movie is most definately one for the men as it just exploits women from start to finish. They just seem to be there for the eye candy to me. In saying that, the main movie villan is a woman, but her character is also something meant to appeal to the men and even she doesn't keep her clothes on! She is a dominatrix style character with the personality of a very lewd man. She makes advances on female officers, challenges male officers to 'get off' on the beast having sex with unconsenting women, then chastises them for it. She 'tortures' male prisoners by stripping off for them and asking them to look at her, before travelling southward..... kind of odd torture if you ask me. They'll be lining up for cross examination next.

So like I said, a kind of very poor soft porn movie in places, but done extremely badly. There are also several rape scenes with german officers and scenes where women are tortured, usually by way of genital electrocution or supposed rats eating their parts (although most amusingly, guinea pigs are used in the movie). Scenes which should have been horrific are played for kicks and to give you as much of an eyefull as possible.

One of the final scene inevitably involves Mistress bitch being hauled into the beasts cage so he can have his way with her. This is, as with the rest of the movie, played for kicks, with the absence of a bra when the uniform is ripped off, the suspenders and stockings which she just happened to have on underneath and their staying on all the way through. She is reduced to a quivering, bloody mess, just like all the other women (you could say she got her cum upence .. Ba'dum tish!) and they are both finally shot at the end by the villagers (who are in another story which runs alongside the main sex fuelled one and is too mind numbingly dull to talk about.... one of them does talk a lot like Pop-eye though, which I found amusing) its dull and monotonous and most viewers will just be wondering how long it takes until you get back to the boobs. It was a very weird mix of 2 stories to me....

So to conclude, nothing particularly shocking in this movie but it contains an awful lot of nudity and sex. It is so bad though and 'the beast' is so laughable, you can't really get all bent out of shape about it. I felt sorry for the actresses having the guys flacid bits all pressed up against them... YUCK!!! If you're a guy who likes to watch a lot of boobs and a bit of blood, then this is for you. If you're a horror loving female, then there's very little here for you (unless of course you like to look at boobs too). There are a few teeny tiny flacid willies in there as well though, if that does it for you!

You'll need your pen and paper for the boob count in this one Will. I can't wait to see what it is!

Gore: 1/10 (There is very little)

Story: 2/10 (there was little in the way of a story as it was all an excuse to get bits out)

Nudity: 8/10 (Seemed to be the main reason for the movie to me)

Overall Score: 4/10 (If I was a guy, this would probably rise to 6/10)

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