Human Experiments - Will's Review

With a title like that I expected this to either be, or attempt to be, incredibly nasty, Perhaps detailing atrocities similar to those committed at Unit 731, or at very least something akin to the Nasty Nazi movies we have seen so far.

And yet, once again, I am made to fondly look back on trash like The Beast In Heat as "the good old days"...

Our Heroin is accused of a mass-murder she didn't commit (and which a simple print-dusting and ballistics analysis would have cleared her of - she never touched the gun that was used in the killings) and sent to the world most lax prison.

We never see her trail, but she arrives at prison in a red dress, heeled shoes and a necklace - clothes clearly unsuitable for court or prisoner transport.

Once she arrives, her and the other new arrivals are showered and given their prison uniforms (fetching blue numbers). What follows is mostly like a very, very, dull version of Prisoner: Cell Block H, except with a secret lab in the basement.

And that's where things should get interesting...but don't.

The only "Human Experiment" on display, is one where women are reduced to a child-like state (we don't see how) in order that they can be 'raised' properly, thus re-rehabilitation. as best i can tell, the extent of this 'raising' is asking them to locate a cut-out of Mickey Mouse's head, among an assortment of geometric shapes, and occasionally being presented with a 'grown up' meal, to see how well they eat their mashed potatoes.

There are only 14 minuets left of the film before our heroin gets involved in (or even learns of) the experiments, and before that point we only see them twice; the rest of the film is literally nothing more than women doing prison stuff - Tending the garden, playing arcade games in the rec room for boxes of sweets (no cigarettes, although some of them do smoke), taking roll call... dull!

And either I blinked and missed him, or we didn't even get the strange dwarf dude promised on one of the video covers I found online:

Sadly, This appears to be a different movie.

Body Count: 4

Boob Count: 4

Animal Body Count: countless insect specimens are on display, and a few bugs probably get squished, but not close-up enough to confirm.

Most Memorable Death: Just Hangin' in her cell...

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The House By The Cemetery - Will's Review

This movie is one third of the Fulci "Gates of Hell" 'Trilogy' (The Beyond being another third, and the non-DPP 'City of the Living Dead' being the other) As 'The Beyond' is one of only 5 movies so far o earn the 'VNAW Recommended' badge, I was looking forward to this...


From the outset it is a wonderfully shot film, looking so visually similar to The Beyond that i checked if it had the same DP (it did) - even the early exterior shots manage to have a claustrophobic feel to them, and the sequence of the first victim being dragged off is (and it seems odd to say this) beautiful.

Unfortunately, this is limited to the pre-credit sequence; once the film proper gets going, it's just another (albeit competently made) 70's Italian horror movie.

And by 'Just another 70s Italian horror movie' I mean 'Large chunks of it make no sense, and the monster is sub-early Doctor Who quality'

The movie is about a family who move into a house because the dad is reasurching it, the house has its own graveyard, and the basement is boarded up. Clearly, the family have never seen a horror movie before, because the almost imidiatly open the basement, but then when weird stuff starts happening, it takes them fodder to actually attempt to flee the house and never come back.

There's a sub-plot with a girl from the past communicating with the boy of the family but, like all of the supernatural elements of the film, this dissent make sense in the context of, or tie into the reason behind, the murders that surround the house once the 'twist' is revealed.

To be honest, I found this one a little dull, unfortunately, crew aside, the only thing this movie has in common with the beyond, are some decent effects, and a nonsensical ending.

Body Count: 7
Boob Count: 1 Pair
Animal Body Count: 2
Most Memorable Death: Poke her with a Poker.

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The House by the cemetery - Lisa's Review

A nice little movie this week! Another Fulci offering. This movie is apparently a part of an unofficial trilogy with The Beyond which we watched a few months ago when we were still on 'B' and City of the living dead.

*** SPOILERS ***

Although the movie is quite dated as you would expect and the poor dubbing is irritating, I still managed to enjoy this movie. Its a good little afternoon view. I didn't find anything particularly scary, but the makeup in places is very good. Its just in shame in some other places, its so bad.

The basic premis without going into too much detail is a family (Mum Lucy, Dad Norman and young boy Bob) moving to a town called New Whitby due to the the father (Norman) having to research some old houses. The house they move into however is not as innocent as it seems.

We 'the viewer' already have this information on board from the opening scene of a young woman (topless at that... why do women never wear bras in these movies?) who is murdered via a knife to the back of the head (which protrudes from her mouth) as she is looking for her boyfriend. Also Bob keeps seeing the ghost of a young girl Mae who warns him not to go to the house.

Of course they go anyway and the inevitable happens.

They have gravestones in the garden and even in the hallway, of a family called 'The Freudsteins (on a side note, this really bothered me as they were referred to as Freudsteens in the movie, but german pronunciation dictates that with an ie or ei, you pronounce the last letter, so they should have been referred to as Freudstine!) anyways I deviate. We find out that Dr Freudstein does what all historical doctors have done in movies like this....illegal experiements. He also ends up killing his family.

We find out Freudstein is in fact still alive and in the cellar of the house as he is using parts from his victims to regenerate his blood cells. The reveal is kind of disappointing. He looks kind of like a withered ET and a scene which shows only his eyes glowing in the cellar when young Bob comes across him is just laughable.

Nothing much more to the story really. Bad stuff happens, people die.

Points worth noting in the movie are the doggedly determined, haemophiliac bat (very amusing scene), the stabbing by poker (what a horrid way to go and very good effects) and the slow decapitation by knife (again good effects, but let down by the poor severed head rolling down the stairs later).

The movie has its faults, but on the whole, it was a fun watch and something I would watch again. This one gets a 'recommended' from me.

Something I've gained from watching these movies is an appreciation of Mr Fulci!

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