Don't go near the park - Lisa's Review

***SPOILERS***

So after a couple of weeks of late reviews, here I am on the first day of the week with the movie in the bag. Yay me!!

So another one in the series of 'Don't go' movies and thankfully they seem to have absolutely nothing to do with one another. We start with some text telling us that the movie, although fictional is based on occurances throughout centuries... Okaaaaaaaaaaay. I'm sure just about anything committed to celluloid has happened through the centuries, but we'll go with it.

The basic premis here is.. 12,000 years ago a woman puts a curse on her 2 children who have messed about with the sanctity of the secret of eternal youth and been naughty so and so's. The curse sentences them to a lifetime of ageing without the ability to die. They will age 10 years for every 1 year of life. The only way to break the curse is to sacrifice a 16 year old virgin female in 12,000 years time (something to do with a when the moon is covered).. blah blah blah. The irony is, the only way they can stay young is to kill and eat the innards of young people...kind of what they were being punished for in the first place, but anyway....

The movie cuts to 12000 years in the future (the present day) and we see the brother and sister looking much older and greyer. They both kill a few people, eat their insides and hey presto, youth is restored again. There's not much more to it really. The guy meets a woman. He oddly does this by breaking into her house and into the bathroom when shes in the shower, yet she still offers him a room as a lodger, sleeps with him, marries him and goes on to have a daughter with him. This all happens in the space of about 10 minutes in the film. After the daughter is born, they quickly separate as we find out he no longer has any use for his new wife, now that he has a daughter... Hmmmmmm I wonder what he intends to use her for... (long scratch of chin)

So yup you got it. He intends to use her as the sacrifice. The ending is monumentally pants and so predictable I almost laughed out loud when I watched it played out. I won't put it here in the vain chance that anyone actually reads this and wants to watch the movie. We can but hope...

When I thought the special effects were shite, nothing prepared me for the laser beams shooting out of the eyes in the finale. Now that effect deserves to be documented. Check out 5 mins 58 seconds into the review below (or if you want, watch it for a much more detailed and educational review than this one).

The Nasties Review: Don't Go Near The Park (YouTube)

I can't really make my mind up about this movie. It wasn't the worst thing I've ever seen (see last weeks review for that) but then again it wasn't very good either.

The acting is ok (meaning its not laughably awful) but it held no intrigue for me and the gore was pants. There was also a rather distasteful scene with the young 16 year old 'virgin' with a few young lads in a van that I could've done without... another one of those 'for tittilation' pieces. Not a lot was shown fair enough, but the idea that these movies need to keep showing sexual attacks just for kicks just p*sses me off. The fact the teenager jokes about it later to a young boy she meets (and is also in the mood to come onto another lad the same day as her attack) just about sums up the thought put into this movie.

I wouldn't watch it again but it wasn't the hardest to sit through by any stretch of the imagination.