10 Dec 2011

Don't go near the park - Will's Review


12,000 Years ago a tribal elder gets pissed off at her son and daughter, and curses them - already things are a little mad here; Their crime is killing children in order to gain eternal life and youth, the punishment is... Eternal life, with the option of killing children in order to stay young! - That'll learn 'em!

Even stranger, the Curse includes 10x aging speed (so.. they'll have to kill more often then!) AND a get out clause, whereby if a virgin (one bread half of the Tribe and half of a mortal) is sacrificed in 12,000 years (there's an astrological significance) they get to keep their life AND youth forever!

11,984 years later (or 16 years ago) the brother and sister decide that he should find a woman to give him a child to use as the sacrifice (why the sister doesn't find a man to give her one I don't understand, she could have a plethora of one-night stands to ensure pregnancy, and custody would be easy... oh, whatever), so he meets, charms, marries and impregnates a mortal woman, nipping off to the part the whole time to eat young people and maintain his youth.

The next 16 years are a brief montage, until we reach the film proper; The sister is living in a shack in the park (the park is on the site of the films opening, which makes me wonder what these Caucasian people were doing in America in about 10,000BC), the park is rumoured to be cursed (which even in the 1970's is apparently enough to keep people out), the brother hates his wife, and his daughter is a young woman.

If anything the film is too full - the basic story isn't great, but it isn't terrible, but the film-makers are far too busy telling other plots: the sister (from her shack in the woods) seems to run a centre for runaways; she lives with an 8 year old necrophiliac (see clip) and a "hunky" 16 year old called 'cowboy', after a compleatly superfluous attempted rape scene, she takes in Bondi (Her niece, although Bondi doesn't know it). On top of that, the 8 year old befriends a writer, who just happens to be working on a history of the park.

Oh, Well THAT'S aright then!!!

Speaking of the superfluous attempted rape scene; Bondi (not the brightest girl) accepts a lift from 3 strangers (all men) in a van with painted out rear windows. No sooner are they on the road than two of them are groping her, eventually pulling her into the back of the van in order to...  forcefully kiss her neck and chest (through her blouse, even though they have torn it open)... More offensive than the scene itself though is that just a short time later (after dreaming the entire opening of the film) she's recovered completely, and starts hitting on 'Cowboy'!

Probably as a result of it's being overcrowded, the film seems to lurch and stagger forward, giving the impression that short connecting scenes have been cut - for instance, Bondi is running from the wreckage of a crash and then, without warning, she's following a dog into an abandoned shack...

And then, at the story's climax, our immortals suddenly have Super powers - It's a moment of 100% WFT (not from concentrate) - out of nowhere, she can start fires with her mind, and he can control animals and shoot lasers from his eyes?!? Its like a scene from a different movie with the same actors!

The effects are sub-hammer, the acting bearable (barley) and the film goes on for what feels like about 15 mins (actually 5) after iot should rightly have ended. Oh, and the last shot of the movie is spoiled on the poster!

All in all, I wouldn't advise you to run screaming form this one, but I wouldn't come close to recommending it either...

Body Count: 10
Boob Count: 3 Pairs
Animal Body Count: 0
Most Memorable Death: Exploding rape-van

Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.

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