23 Jun 2012
Night of the Bloody Apes - Lisa's Review
*** SPOILERS ***
I read the title of this one and thought 'oh gawd, here we go. How can this possibly be any good?'. I slightly shame myself however to admit that I enjoyed this one, BUT for all the wrong reasons. For me, this one was a 'So bad its good' movie. I found myself tittering all the way through. Just when you were getting over the humor of the last cheesy line, terrible peace of acting, awful effect or desperately flawed storyline, lo and behold, something else happens to amuse you!
So where do I start? The movie is dubbed and is originally spanish. I speak a bit of spanish (not much admittedly, but the script would have made more sense to me in its original language). The dubbing is awful and the actual translation itself seems to have no consideration for how it might sound in english, but is rather a crude literal translation of the original language. That did just add to the fun for me though.
The storyline here follows a surgeon, Dr Kralman and his hapless, limping, gormless side-kick Goyo. The Dr's son Julio has leukemia and for reasons I could not understand needed gorilla blood to cure him. This blood however would have been too strong for the human heart, so the gorilla heart had to be transplanted as well. Sooo what do they do? They go to a zoo and get themselves an ape of course!! This is where the only good piece of gore in the movie takes place and that would be because it was real. Actual footage of real open heart surgery was spliced into the movie. What perplexed me about it however is how shaky and incompetant the hands of the real surgeon appeared! I certainly wouldn't want his hands in my chest cavity, thats for sure!
So, the son comes around, but he now has a ridiculous ape face, that looks like its been put on by that brown window putty you used to get years ago (can you still get that?). He also has an insatiable need to attempt to rape women (I say attempt as he never actually manages that) and murder them. I think the rape part was just as excuse for the movie to get as many pairs of tits and arse cheeks out as they could as there need be no hint of an excuse for a pair to pop out and Oooops, out they come. 'Oh dear! I'm running. I'm not wearing a bra, my boobs seem to have mysteriously popped out of my dress.. dearie me'. Later followed by 'I've just taken a shower, someone has come to the door. I won't do what a normal person would and ignore it, or pull a dressing gown on... no, I think I shall wander to the door with a towel wrapped around my front so my arse is hanging out. Nice look that'. I also learned that women like to make mundane calls to their boyfriends when completely nude, with NO ulterior motive, Hmmmmmm.
Anyways Nudity covered (mwahahahaha) the next humorous thing was the effects. We had an eyeball gouging (which would usually have me cringing, I'm not good with eyeballs) but if a pile of fatty looking mash is what's behind an eyeball, I have a lot to learn. A toupe is pulled off a bald mans painted head (I loved that bit!) and a sellotaped piece of latex is torn away from someones neck.
We also manage to return to the start of the movie where we had 2 women wrestling (although it was clearly big men in the wrestling scenes and not the slim women shown before the fight started). One was very badly injured and ended up in hospital in a coma. When our surgeon dad realises what has happened to his son due to the gorilla heart, he decides to remove the female wrestlers heart and transplant it into him. Here we have another excuse for boobs to come out. Goyo disposes of her in the hospital furnace but sadly Julio still resorts back to his monkey-boy self.
Nearing the end of the movie, Julio runs wild at the hospital and captures a little girl. His dad manages to convince him to hand the little girl over and in true King Kong Style, he is gunned down where is stands on top of the roof. Finally as with werewolves, he then turns back to his normal self as he lies dying, we have some 'Walton-like' music and hey presto, its all over.
Little about this movie is good in the sense that it is meant to, but I still found I enjoyed it and would watch it again with friends.
Watch if you like a good laugh at 'So bad its good' movies!
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