Showing posts with label Don't Go Near The Park. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Don't Go Near The Park. Show all posts

10 Dec 2011

Don't go near the park - Will's Review

SPOLERS


12,000 Years ago a tribal elder gets pissed off at her son and daughter, and curses them - already things are a little mad here; Their crime is killing children in order to gain eternal life and youth, the punishment is... Eternal life, with the option of killing children in order to stay young! - That'll learn 'em!



Even stranger, the Curse includes 10x aging speed (so.. they'll have to kill more often then!) AND a get out clause, whereby if a virgin (one bread half of the Tribe and half of a mortal) is sacrificed in 12,000 years (there's an astrological significance) they get to keep their life AND youth forever!

11,984 years later (or 16 years ago) the brother and sister decide that he should find a woman to give him a child to use as the sacrifice (why the sister doesn't find a man to give her one I don't understand, she could have a plethora of one-night stands to ensure pregnancy, and custody would be easy... oh, whatever), so he meets, charms, marries and impregnates a mortal woman, nipping off to the part the whole time to eat young people and maintain his youth.

The next 16 years are a brief montage, until we reach the film proper; The sister is living in a shack in the park (the park is on the site of the films opening, which makes me wonder what these Caucasian people were doing in America in about 10,000BC), the park is rumoured to be cursed (which even in the 1970's is apparently enough to keep people out), the brother hates his wife, and his daughter is a young woman.

If anything the film is too full - the basic story isn't great, but it isn't terrible, but the film-makers are far too busy telling other plots: the sister (from her shack in the woods) seems to run a centre for runaways; she lives with an 8 year old necrophiliac (see clip) and a "hunky" 16 year old called 'cowboy', after a compleatly superfluous attempted rape scene, she takes in Bondi (Her niece, although Bondi doesn't know it). On top of that, the 8 year old befriends a writer, who just happens to be working on a history of the park.

Oh, Well THAT'S aright then!!!

Speaking of the superfluous attempted rape scene; Bondi (not the brightest girl) accepts a lift from 3 strangers (all men) in a van with painted out rear windows. No sooner are they on the road than two of them are groping her, eventually pulling her into the back of the van in order to...  forcefully kiss her neck and chest (through her blouse, even though they have torn it open)... More offensive than the scene itself though is that just a short time later (after dreaming the entire opening of the film) she's recovered completely, and starts hitting on 'Cowboy'!

Probably as a result of it's being overcrowded, the film seems to lurch and stagger forward, giving the impression that short connecting scenes have been cut - for instance, Bondi is running from the wreckage of a crash and then, without warning, she's following a dog into an abandoned shack...

And then, at the story's climax, our immortals suddenly have Super powers - It's a moment of 100% WFT (not from concentrate) - out of nowhere, she can start fires with her mind, and he can control animals and shoot lasers from his eyes?!? Its like a scene from a different movie with the same actors!

The effects are sub-hammer, the acting bearable (barley) and the film goes on for what feels like about 15 mins (actually 5) after iot should rightly have ended. Oh, and the last shot of the movie is spoiled on the poster!

All in all, I wouldn't advise you to run screaming form this one, but I wouldn't come close to recommending it either...




Body Count: 10
Boob Count: 3 Pairs
Animal Body Count: 0
Most Memorable Death: Exploding rape-van

Please use the comments bellow only to comment on this post - to write your own review, please comment on the main post for this movie.

Don't go near the park - Lisa's Review


***SPOILERS***

So after a couple of weeks of late reviews, here I am on the first day of the week with the movie in the bag. Yay me!!

So another one in the series of 'Don't go' movies and thankfully they seem to have absolutely nothing to do with one another. We start with some text telling us that the movie, although fictional is based on occurances throughout centuries... Okaaaaaaaaaaay. I'm sure just about anything committed to celluloid has happened through the centuries, but we'll go with it.


The basic premis here is.. 12,000 years ago a woman puts a curse on her 2 children who have messed about with the sanctity of the secret of eternal youth and been naughty so and so's. The curse sentences them to a lifetime of ageing without the ability to die. They will age 10 years for every 1 year of life. The only way to break the curse is to sacrifice a 16 year old virgin female in 12,000 years time (something to do with a when the moon is covered).. blah blah blah. The irony is, the only way they can stay young is to kill and eat the innards of young people...kind of what they were being punished for in the first place, but anyway....

The movie cuts to 12000 years in the future (the present day) and we see the brother and sister looking much older and greyer. They both kill a few people, eat their insides and hey presto, youth is restored again. There's not much more to it really. The guy meets a woman. He oddly does this by breaking into her house and into the bathroom when shes in the shower, yet she still offers him a room as a lodger, sleeps with him, marries him and goes on to have a daughter with him. This all happens in the space of about 10 minutes in the film. After the daughter is born, they quickly separate as we find out he no longer has any use for his new wife, now that he has a daughter... Hmmmmmm I wonder what he intends to use her for... (long scratch of chin)

So yup you got it. He intends to use her as the sacrifice. The ending is monumentally pants and so predictable I almost laughed out loud when I watched it played out. I won't put it here in the vain chance that anyone actually reads this and wants to watch the movie. We can but hope...

When I thought the special effects were shite, nothing prepared me for the laser beams shooting out of the eyes in the finale. Now that effect deserves to be documented. Check out 5 mins 58 seconds into the review below (or if you want, watch it for a much more detailed and educational review than this one).

The Nasties Review: Don't Go Near The Park (YouTube)

I can't really make my mind up about this movie. It wasn't the worst thing I've ever seen (see last weeks review for that) but then again it wasn't very good either.

The acting is ok (meaning its not laughably awful) but it held no intrigue for me and the gore was pants. There was also a rather distasteful scene with the young 16 year old 'virgin' with a few young lads in a van that I could've done without... another one of those 'for tittilation' pieces. Not a lot was shown fair enough, but the idea that these movies need to keep showing sexual attacks just for kicks just p*sses me off. The fact the teenager jokes about it later to a young boy she meets (and is also in the mood to come onto another lad the same day as her attack) just about sums up the thought put into this movie.

I wouldn't watch it again but it wasn't the hardest to sit through by any stretch of the imagination.


4 Dec 2011

WEEK 29: Don't Go Near The Park


Alternate Titles : Nightstalker
Year: 1979
Reviews / Author Comments due: 10/12/11
DPP Status: Removed from list July 1985

Feel free to use the comments section of this post to add your own reviews and thoughts about this movie.