Don't go into the woods - Lisa's Review

So here I sit on a Sunday morning before leaving for work getting last weeks 'nasty' fitted into my schedule and what monumental waste of time. Even reviewing it seems like minutes lost that will never be recaptured. I'm trying in vain to think of something positive to say about this movie, but the only teeny tiny positives are in fact accidental on the part of the film makers.


Firstly, I thought as with a lot of these movies, it may be foreign and had the actors voices dubbed on in english at a later date, but nooooooooo. This leaves me kind of inredulous as to how on earth the worst 'after dubbing' effect was achieved by this movie. I have seen and heard better acting at a school play. Every word is in slow motion, dragged and spaced out as if trying to fit in with the mouth movements rather than sound believable. How this has happened given the movie is anyones guess.

To be very politically incorrect for a moment, the lead characters (4 of them, 2 girls and 2 guys) is almost like a group of special needs kids out for a jolly in the woods. It took me some time to actually accept none of them were meant to be retarded.

We interrupt this review for competition news: the third word you will need to enter to win a copy of "Don't Look in the Basement" is "BEING". and now, back to the review...

The plotline... very loosely speaking, is several groups of people in the woods.. twitchers, swingers, hikers etc all being killed by an off screen assailant, who is later revealed and just looks like another retarded grizzly adams. The kills are all pretty standard, nothing new... impaling, stabbing, slashing, amputation, beating to death in a sleeping bag, burning in a van. There is absolutely no suspense at all and rather than care about the characters so you actually look forward to a death for something to happen and then are generally left disappointed by how crap it was. Another point about the actual kills... the screaming never changes while any character is being killed, its the same volume and pitch all the way through. I never thought a woman burning in a van would scream loudly at exactly the same pitch and then just stop.

Another point, was why they kept repeating parts of the script over' and over again... 'no, no, no, no, no', 'give me key, give me the keys, give me the keys', 'we got to keep moving, we got to keep moving, we got to keep moving'... you get the message.

The men are f*ckwits, the women are stupid (whats new there about an 80's horror) and I just couldn't wait to get to the end. It was almost like this movie was filmed as a comedy, but sadly it doesn't even have that excuse. There were a few unintentional mildly amusing bits but my lurgy is getting in the way of my sense of humour this morning so they just irritated me in their crapness.

There is no reason to watch this movie, other than to see possibly the worst acting and witness the worst script I have ever seen/heard. AVOID at all costs would be my advice!

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HALLOWEEN SPECIAL - Lisa's Pick: Saw

NOTE: In honour of Halloween, We're taking a break from the DPP list.

This week, reviewers were given a free choice of any horror movie.

Year: 2004

Alternate Titles: N/A

DPP Status: Passed Uncut, 2005

BBFC Status: Rated 18, with 4m11s of cuts

IMDB: Saw

Wikipedia: Saw

DVD: R2 Uncut

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I chose this movie for a review due to it being one of my favourite horrors. I'll admit I rushed my choice and forgot about 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' and 'House of 1000 corpses' but hey ho, SAW it is.

I remember watching this movie in the cinema and feeling something I barely do watching anything - a lovely big shiver run down my spine when the end twist was revealed. It was so utterly wonderful because I never even begun to imagine the twist, it was so completely out of the blue, it floored me. I love that. Off the top of my head, the only other movie I remember getting that same rush about was at the end of 'The Usual Suspects' when Keyser Soze is revealed. I won't spoil the twist in either movies, in the vain hope that someone other than Will actually reads these reviews and hasn't seen either of these movies. Its rare I don't get the twist or see things coming a mile off, so to have that happen in such a big way was wonderful!

So why do I love SAW? Well admittedly I am a bit of a gore hound and enjoy things being taken to new lengths which I feel SAW pretty well for a mainstream horror movie (so many are 15 certs these days.. it kind of begs the question, why bother?). Apart from the obvious gore, this movie is clever, well thought out and is about so much more than the bloodshed. Without giving away too much about the movie, it reminded me a lot of Se7en (which I also love) but with a slightly more horrific edge. I suppose where Se7en concentrated more on the psychological effects of murders, SAW leans more towards the ick factor.

The basic premis of SAW is our murderer who is out to teach our victims life lessons, to make them appreciate the lives they have rather than take it for granted. He does this by setting up various 'traps' which our victims have to engineer their way out of. Escape usually means maiming, serious injury or doing something very nasty. Failure to escape means a horrid death. The hope is that if they manage to live, they will then not take their lives for granted. It makes them think about how much they appreciate their lives.

One trap includes a self harming drug addict who has a reverse-springed bear trapped anchored to her head and wired into her jaws with a timer attached to the back. She comes to in a chair with this contraption fixed and while she is trying to comprehend whats going on (and failing miserably) the TV to her side flicks into life and there's a scary puppet (Billy) used by our killer to explain. This is a part I love in every 'game', the killer in a disguised freakish voice telling our victim what the trap is, what is expected of them and what will happen if they don't 'win' the game. In this case it tells her that she is throwing her life away and taking for granted what she has, he wants to see just how much she want to live. She has a set time period to escape from the trap by digging the key to her trap out of the body lying in the corner of the room. If she doesn't manage it, the trap will spring open breaking her jaws and ripping her lower jaw completely off. F*** that she thinks and springs out of her seat, which starts the timer ticking. She runs over to the body (which she soon realizes is actually alive but is paralyzed by a drug overdose) and she must decide whether to dig into this poor guys intestines to find the key and save herself. I won't tell you whether she did or didn't but needless to say, its messy.

There are other wonderful traps including a razor wire pit , a drill chair, flammable fluid and a darkened room with only a candle to use as light. On top of these, we also have the bathroom setting with our main 2 kidnapped victims story unfolding, which also involves the infamous leg sawing scene.

I don't want to go into any more detail about the traps or the twist or even who the killer is or why, but needless to say its all wonderful, brilliantly thought out and doesn't disappoint anywhere. I LOVE this movie and have watched it over and over again, many many times. Even the theme music makes me tingle! I have sat through several poor sequels so much did I enjoy the first one, but to be honest, even though I know they weren't great, I still enjoy them to a degree as I love the idea so much.

If you haven't seen it, you simply MUST!!!

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SHOCKTOBER SPECIAL: Shogun Assassin - Lisa's Review

NOTE: In honour of Halloween, We're taking a break from the DPP list.

This weeks movie was selected because (although it never made the list) it was often seized by the police during DPP raids, and is often mistakenly listed as a "Video Nasty".

*** SPOILERS ***

So a break from the infamous list for October and kicking off this month is 'Shogun Assasin'. Now I know absolutely nothing about this movie, so as I started to watch, my heart sank. I HATE martial arts movies or arty japanese 'flying through the air' movies, which is what this seemed lining up to be. However as I watched, the fantastic narration by the main character 'Lone Wolf's little son won me over and I found myself enjoying the story.

The basic premis here without breaking down the entire movie is an aging and podgy but kick ass samurai (Lone Wolf) who is set on revenge against his Shogun who killed his wife. The Shogun is a very powerful man (who reminded me of someone out of Monkey Magic) who is served by Samurais all over, so he has quite a few fighters to overcome. The movie follows his travels with his young son after the Shogun and his inevitable defeat of them all one by one.

If its at all possible, the fight and death scenes were artistically shot and wonderfully fast (I hate dragged out fighting scenes) with lots of different deaths by way of Samurai sword (a group who share Lone Wolfs loathing of the Shogun also seem to have quite the love for 4 pronged claw weapons which show up a lot) There seems to be a love by the director for spurting blood which appears in most death scenes.

Scenes which stand out for me are Lone Wolfs insistence for his son to chose life or death by crawling towards a ball or a sword (as he's only a baby). The baby chooses to crawl towards the sword in a very powerful scene, so goes with his dad across the country in the most awesome of prams, counting his dads kill total so he can pray for their souls.

Another scene I loved was Lone Wolf and his sons silhouettes standing against a beautiful backdrop looking out into the distance while blood spurts onto the screen from the side from his latest kill which hasn't even hit the ground yet.

A completely slice in half head was spectacuarly awesome and a sad irony from a guy who finally heard the noise a slit throat makes, but sadly its his own were other scenes I enjoyed.

His toddler son even joins in by engaging some swords from his pram by pressing buttons to release them at opportune moments. One such set of swords attached to the prams wheels, manage to completely amputate the feet off one enemy as it careers towards them. As a mother of a young son I was cringing at his use of his precious son in these scenes.

This movie, although some may find gorey in places, is definately not one for gore fetishists or seekers of the most realistic of gore. I found though that this is not what the movie is about, nor does it matter that the blood bears no resemblance to the real thing.

The style of this movie is unlike anything I have watched before and I'm not going to sit and dissect the story bit by bit, but I loved its brutal, yet artistic scenes and moving narration throughout. It was won over completely for me by the child actor who was simply wonderful as Lone Wolfs son. I also loved the soundtrack to this one which fitted the movie perfectly.

All in all I loved the general feel and style of this movie and would recommend it to anyone with a love of movies and half a braincell.

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The Burning - Lisa's Review

Before I start reviewing the movie in a completely different font to norma,l, I have to point out how ‘The Burning’ looks exactly like ‘The Buming’ in arial….. we won’t be using that then. On my enforced break from the internet, I’m trying to keep up with the movie reviews, so readers (if there are any) should get a few all at once from me.

So…. The Burning. This is one of the more modern nasties, even though it’s an 80’s movie. For its time it was ok, not bad. If you’re a fan of ‘Friday the 13^th’ movies, then you’ll most probably enjoy this one as the similarities can’t be avoided. I for one have never been a big fan of the ‘slasher V teenagers’ movies so I found it a bit dull and monotonous, but I think that’s just a question of my taste rather than a slur on the movie itself. In all it was pretty well put together, the acting wasn’t too bad and the premis was pretty straightforward and left no stray storylines.

The setting is Camp Blackfoot where the scene is set with a group of teenagers who play a very nasty trick on the caretaker Cropsy (who we find out later is a nasty piece of work who loves to scare and bully the kids on camp), The trick is only meant to scare him (it involves lighting candles inside a shiny skull covered in wormy things – looked quite nice without the worms if you ask me…). The trick backfires though and Cropsy is set alight in his bunk. A la Freddie Kruger, he is burnt beyond all recognition into some kind of freak and vows to have his revenge before flinging himself in the camp lake.

We now jump forward 5 years. Cropsy has recovered enough to be released from St Catherines hospital as there is nothing else they can do for him. He’s had all the psychiatric and physical help they can give him. We are treated to an idea as to his mental state by his reaction to a over zealous porter, who insists a new trainee doctor take a look at his burns in a scene reminiscent of ‘The Elephant Man’… “Look at the poor freak”. You would feel sorry for him, was he not a sadistic sod, the porter guy deserved what he got though, irritating bastard, although we didn’t get to see what he got.

The first murder we are treated to comes at the expense of a rather unattractive skanky, smoking (YICK!) prostitute who is so disturbed by the sight of Cropsy when lightening flashes and she catches sight of him, that she screams and demands he leaves. You would think she would have seen worse than a few burns really……she is treated to impaling on a pair of shears (Cropsy signature kill tool) .

So the idea is there. Sick, scarred killer released seeking revenge. Where do we go?? A teenagers camp of course, where else? We are treated to some untethered bouncing bosoms beneath a very tight top (completely unsuitable for playing rounders / baseball) and teeny tiny knickers on a girl with a backside like a teenage boy. Typical horny young men and coy but willing young ladies. Nothing much has changed even today with these stereotypes.

During the game, a ball goes stray into the woods where Cropsy is hiding in wait. A boyish young lady with a crap Purdy haircut named Tiger narrowly escapes death by shears when she finds the elusive ball just in time and clears off. So we sit back and wait for the teens to be picked off one at a time. While we wait we’re introduced to the various ‘victims’ - Alfred; a nerdy peeping tom who likes to follow his friends to spy on them naked in the shower or getting it on in the woods. Of course we know this is setting us up for him seeing a little more than he bargained for later on.

We also meet Glazer, a brain-dead jock with more in the way of muscle than brain, who has the hots for Sally, who to be honest did my head in. She is I suppose what men would call a tease and needs a good slap for her coy, tongue in cheek behaviour and constant rebuffals of Glazer, who I ended up feeling sorry for.

A scene I found quite amusing was when the guys were trying to impress the ladies at a lake by diving in. Alfred can’t swim, so Glazer thinks it would be amusing to push him in as he’s not amused that he has been spying on girls in the shower… cue much guppy-fish behaviour and coughing and spluttering. When he’s lifted onto the jetty by a friend and he’s moving around and coughing… the immortal lines “Are you alright? Are you breathing?” are uttered…. Exactly who is going to answer the “Are you breathing” part if he isn’t is anyones guess.

Eddie, I suppose what we would call a wide boy in the UK. Boaster, ladies man, bit of a bad boy, who quite honestly doesn’t have a clue about women.

Karen, a shy, virginal, seemingly innocent young lady who seemed surprised that getting naked and going swimming with Eddie would make him want to do more than kiss. This culminates in her storming off into the woods naked, as her clothes have been strewn over various branches by that scamp Cropsy. She meets a nice demise by way of shears to the throat. Quite satisfying really, if she’d stayed and enjoyed herself, it wouldn’t have happened.

So, the older kids go on a 3 day canoe trip to Devils Creek (these names say it all really) we get the Cropsy story around a campfire and there is much merriment, attempted scares and usual behaviour you get in these movies. Its at this time we find out what a piece of work Cropsy was before the accident, so you understand why the boys did what they did back then.

After the disappearance of Karen in the woods, the kids are wondering whats happened to her and all fingers are pointing at Eddie. All the canoes are gone so it is assumed Karen left for the main camp as she was so pissed off at Eddie and accidentally released all of the canoes. A raft is duly fashioned and some of the kids head for main camp to retrieve the canoes. Enroute a solitary empty canoe is seen floating on the river. You can guess the next part… of course Cropsy is hiding in the canoe so when they row over to retrieve the canoe, every last one of them is dispensed with rather rapidly. I quite liked the no messing approach to the deaths here. No unnecessary suspense or faffing about. Hacked fingers, severed arm, sliced forehead, slit throat – muchos mess.

We leave the unfortunate youngsters on the raft and head back to Sally finally giving in to Glazer for what turns out to be a definite quickie. In a rare thoughtful moment, she decides to stay with him afterwards and he heads back to camp to get some matches to build her a fire. Cue Alfred being awoken and coming for a nosey. Well… girl naked in the wood, nosey parker… again I don’t think the next scene requires much forsight. Sally is already dead by the time Glazer returns, sadly we don’t get to find out how she met her end. Glazer ends up joining her in death and Alfred runs back to camp to raise the alarm. Camp Leader Todd to the rescue,!! although it’s a case of Cry Wolf as Alfred isn’t the most reliable witness. He soon finds out however that there is a madman on the loose as he gets whacked around the side of the noggin with the shears… why Cropsy didn’t kill him there and then I don’t know. Cropsy gives chase to Alfred…. So it looks like we have our 2 heroes as time tells me the movie is nearing its end.

Some incidentals happen in that the raft drifts back to camp with all the bodies on board. A girl swims out upon spotting the striken raft…. The age of chivalry is obviously dead … and discovers the gory scene by way of the severed arm falling out of the raft and a corpse bobbing up like a gruesome bobbing apple. Someone is sent for help… blah blah blah.

The final scene approaches. Alfred has been caught by Cropsy who has pinned him to a wooden door by his shears… again why the sympathy who knows? Todd finds Alfred and of course Cropsy appears and the final fight with the villain ensues. We have the revelation in this final scene that Camp Leader Todd was one of the original group who set fire to Cropsy (quelle surprise!) and he lights a flame thrower to seek his revenge. Enter Alfred in a final moment of brilliance where he stabs Cropsy through the back with his shears (so he got free himself??…). As Alfred and Todd leave, Cropsy does that thing only villains do where he rises again (where’s a bazooka or a grenade launcher when you need one?). Todd biffs him over the head in quite possibly the best possible kill in the movie (ironic its not from the movies murderer) and then he meets his end by way of the flame thrower… quite unfortunate really.

I empathised a bit with him as the kids were so damn annoying, so I just didn’t care who was dispensed with through out the movie. As a movie, its definitely watchable by the masses, ok, just not to my taste. Why it ended up on the list is anyones guess as it is the sort of thing my parents would have allowed me to watch when I was about 10 (well my mum would have fast forwarded any naughty bits, lol).

If I were recommending any movies from the list so far for anyone to watch, this is 1 of only 2 I would suggest (the other being The Beyond), lets hope we continue into some more watchable titles.

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