Contamination - Will's Review

*****Spoilers - again******

So, one of the alternate titles for this one was "Alien 2" (It's not uncommon for Italian movies to try and sell themselves as sequels to big hits), and featuring as it does, green goo, pulsing eggs and exploding torsos, It does have as much in common as some legitimate 'in name only' type sequels ('Open Water 2' I'm looking at you...), but that's where the similarities end.

Set firmly on earth, the movie opens with an abandoned cargo ship sailing into New York (Why is it always New York???) , It's quickly boarded and put into quarantine, where the crew are found to be huddled together in a couple of rooms, burst open, and the cargo of "Coffee" turns out  to be alien eggs, which periodicly burst open, causing anyone in the vicinity to explode.

Which happens pretty much instantly, begging the question "Why were the crew crammed into a couple of rooms", What? Did they stop dinner half way through and go play 'sardines' while the 'hider' carried one of the eggs? whatever, it's never explained!

Speaking of the cargo, this movie contains a brilliant example of the odd dialogue you only encounter in Italian films:

Of course!

All in all though, not a bad film for a throwaway 80's Sci-Horror, the makeup effects were great, and the exploding torsos would have been, if only they hadn't been shot from an angle that made it obvious that the actor who was about to explode had just gained about 50 pounds. When we finally meet a full grown alien creature, on the other hand, it is realisably bad, and has a helerious method of killing / eating that's almost worth seeing the movie for!


Body Count: 18
Boob Count: 0
Animal Body Count: 1
Most Memorable Death: Eaten by an arm

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Cannibal Ferox - Will's Review

One Thing I was dreading as we reached the cannibal films was the real animal cruelty which I had heared occurred in some of them. Quite rightly, such scenes are still not allowed by the BBFC but I had set out to see the films that were banned - which means getting hold of uncut imports and seeing even atrocities like this in full.

Some of the scenes I had here were in Cannibal Holocaust are present here too - including a scene where a Live Turtle is dismembered and eaten. I do not know if the 'tribes people' in this movie were real tribes people, or just south american actors, unfortunately I believe the latter. I had managed to live with the idea of the turtle and monkey deaths in Cannibal Holocaust as follows:

The tribesmen in Cannibal Holocaust are real - These people kill animals in that way and eat them all the time, the turtle and monkeys in Cannibal Holocaust were eaten by the tribes that killed them, although they may have been directed to kill and eat then, on cue, it is something that would have happened anyway and, while I do not agree with their methods, nothing really died only for our supposed enjoyment.

With this movie however, I don't feel that's the case; and even if it is, the mongoose that was tethered to a stake and fed to an anaconda was certainly staged purely for our 'viewing pleasure' - snakes eat mammals, I get that, and I'm fine with it - but should that mammal really be tethered and offered up just for entertainment? I say "No".

Even if you're okay with all the animals which were killed and eaten in a manor aproximating the natural order of things, there's the fact that the mongoose was firs swung out of a moving Jeep by his lead, and the boar which is stabbed quite cruelly by a western actor (actually a stage hand - the actor refused) in a staged 'defending the group' scene.

But enough of that, assuming you get a cut version, what of the movie itself?


First of all, you won't actually miss anything; the animal killings do not add to the story, and were clearly added in a "look at us, hardcore! snuff'n'shit!!!!" way.

The film opens with a reasonably neat 'trick'; all the way through the opening credits' cheesy disco music, we follow a man through the streets of New York City. Normally this would be our main character, but no sooner does he arrive at his destination (the apartment of his dealer, Mike) he is killed by mobsters who are also looking for Mike (he owes them money) and the action cuts to the Amazon jungle.

To me, the action should never have cut back to New York, as the scenes of the police and mob looking for Mike are the weakest in the film, and the NY prologue would have been well served as an interesting mislead, and as a demonstration that the mob mean business, to illustrate why Mike ran.

Anyway, over in the Amazon, we meet Gloria, who has come away with her brother, Rudy, and thier promiscuous (and non-too picky) friend Pat, to find evidence to support her theory that "Organised cannibalism in human society does not exist, and that historically it has never existed" in order to write her Phd thesis.

Eventually our hero's stumble across 2 dead natives, impaled on what appear to be bamboo booby traps, and 2 westerners; one is Mike, the dealer mentioned in the NY opening, the other is his sidekick Joe, who is badly wounded.

Mike tells how he and Joe were buying coke (not the soda) when they decided to go prospecting for sapphires, having received info that the river in rich in them; he tells of a Portuguese guide that they employed. Mikes story continues that he, Joe and the Portuguese dude were captured by natives, who locked the 2 Americans in a semi-submerged cage with leaches, and tied the Portuguese to a stake, torturing him and removing, then eating, his genitals! It seems the 2 villagers in the man-trap had helped Joe and mike escape, and been killed just seconds before out trio arrived.

Of course, it turns out that Mike's story isn't entirely true, and it's not long before he shows his true colours, killing a native girl for shits and giggles, and taking a little too much joy in killing a boar that was attacking Pat. He also charmingly re-christens Gloria "Twat", and referring to her that way, throughout the rest of the movie.

The natives, of course, turn on our five... white folk ("hero" didn't work, "westerners" would include the Amazonians... the only other thing out key 5 have in common is their skin colour...) and (inbetween animal killings) you'll get to see some fairly decent gore, as people are graphics castrated, gutted, have thier skulls popped open like boiled eggs and, in the movies most iconic image) hung up by hooks through their breasts.


Which really is what the movie has going for it - gorehounds who are okay with the animal snuff (shame on you) or those who get the cut (by over 6 mins!) BBFC approved version will lap up the nasty, and for the most part well done, human-on-human violence.

Unfortunatly, I saw the uncut version, and as such, have already spent more time on this vile abomination that I'm happy to.


Body Count: 10
Animal Body count: 8 (a shocking 7 of which are real)
Boob count: 8 pairs (mostly toppless mud-covered natives, including one or two that are possibly under-age)
Most Memorable Death: The Turtle...

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The Beast in Heat - Will's Review

Imagine some really incompetent Italian film makers set out to make a movie about a resistance group in occupied Italy.

Now imagine that some rouge element in the production crew were intent on making the Italian version of 'Allo 'Allo.

Finally, imagine that, upon completion, the producers realised that the film wasn't very good, and so went back and did some re-shoots to work in a sexploitation sub-plot about a man-made Neanderthal beast thing, that the Nazi's keep in a cage and use to rape as part of their bizarre interrogation techniques.

Oh, and then dub the whole thing really badly and give all the higher ranking Nazis terribly English accents.

If your imagination is good (and your expectations low), the film in your head is probably quite a lot like "The Beast In Heat".

Only Better.

The "Draw" in this movie is 'the beast' (short hairy dude), which, as I mentioned, the SS have created in a lab to... rape women, y'know, for interrogation and stuff...

Oddly though, this happens in the very first scene, leaving the movie with no-where really to go; I did learn something though; apparently being raped by a short hairy dude will cause your mouth to bleed, and bruises and lacerations to appear on your chest, even though he does nothing obvious to cause them, and may even lead to death!

Thankfully, the rapes in this movie are so badly done that it's difficult to be offended by them. Usually, I find 'light-hearted' rape to be more offensive, as it some how lessens the severity of an awfull, awfull crime, but come ON...

"The Beast" can apparently see the camera...

I will give the short hairy dude his dues though - no matter how much a girl struggles, he seems to be able to penetrate with ease - first time every time, without using his hands; Impressive!

From this opening, we cut to the actual war-movie part of the film, which centres around a group of Partisan Italians trying to make life difficult for the Nazis, by blowing up bridges and what-not. Only one of them is ethicist opposed to killing under any circumstances (I'm not making this up).

The Partazans are mostly men, but there is one women in their ranks; her job is to gather inelegance by sleeping with the comic relief Nazi. I say 'Comic relief Nazi', he's slightly deshevled, and has a silly voice (at least in the dubbed version) but generally, there is no (intentional) comedy in the film.#

Which makes this bit so much the stranger:

"Yes General Von Klinkerhoffen?"

The only other (i think) deliberate "gag" in the movie, also involves this guy and his mistress. A few seconds after the above call, she makes a deft escape without pants-nazi's underlings seeing her...

The lesser know "carry On" film,

"Carry on Molesting"

As lame as the Nazi's in this movie may be, the Partezans are even worse! Almost every man in the village is one of them, but rather than apparently getting about their daily lives, every single one of them is in hiding - worse the rest of the village all know who and where they are - even the children! and somehow the Nazi's all know that they all know, and so make occasional trips into the village to kidnap women and children to torture for information, and to have a go at baby-clay pigeon shooting...

A New Olympic sport is born!

Perhaps the most bizzare aspect of the whole village being in on the partizan's secrates however, is that although they are trusted with the identities and locations of the men in hiding, they are apparently NOT entrusted with the knowledge that one of their number is a spy - the woman who is acting as Pants-Nazi's mistress is hated throughout the village, for shagging a German! This does however lead to the lamest insult, and oddest 'comeback' I think I've even heard...

Truth be told though, the whole movie is a thinly veiled excuse to show different methods of torture - One woman he's her fingernails pulled off (which is hilariously dubbed with a calm "Stop it, you're hurting me"), one has her genitals electrocuted (which seemingly causes them to bleed - unless it as just unfortunate timing and she was getting her 'monthly gift' when the Nazis took her) one has an upturned bucket placed on her stomach, with a fire built on it, one is strapped to a large wheel, one has her considerable bush ripped of and eaten by The Beast (!) and one has her stomach painted bright red, and tame black guinea pigs are allowed to play on her (I am told that they are supposed to be rats, and they are supposed to be biting her, but there is no information to this effect on screen) - the oddest punishment however is dished out to one of the men; he is stripped naked and chained up and then (the horrors) head Nazi rubs her bare boobs all over him and (possibly -its only implied) goes down on him, poor thing!

Actually, its this 'attrocity' which leads to the firms other great face pulling, the guy chained next to the man receiving the oral cross-examination starts freaking out and screaming 'I want you I waaaaaant you" at the Nazi, and is rewarded thus: 

That the first time I've ever laughed out loud

while THAT happens in a movie.

Quick random thought - How prevalent was bleach hair in war-time Italy? as a few of the girls have carpets that don't match the drapes... Also; how common was it for SS scientists to wear stockings and suspenders AND NOTHING ELSE under their lab coats?

So, this is without question, the worst of the 4 Video Nasties we've watched so far (and worse than the couple I'd seen prior to starting this progect), bit how does it stand up from a yechnical point of view.

Many of the Nazi-uniforms are fancy-dress grade, The script has offices starting an awfull lot of sentences with "We germans...", The film was apparently scored before it was edited (In one instance, the backgroud music stops mid-note when the scene changes), War scenes make liberal use of badly matched stock-footage, there are some sub-thunderbirds model shots, and the dubbing is so bad that the movie feels like a comedy re-edit.

It's one saving grace was this guy, and his God infommercial:

SOLD!

Human Body Count: 28*

Animal Body Count: 0 

Boob Count: 10 pairs**

Most memorable death: Gurning castration.

*Most in the standard "War film" segments

**Approximate - It was difficult to keep track of which pairs we had, and had not seen before, as large chunks of the movie are wall-to wall boobs. Also I'm reasonably sure that in the big nude / torture scene some of the girls are playing more than one roll!

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Absurd - Will's Review

I cannot for the life of me see how this movie found itself on the DPP list; much less how it was Successfully Prosecuted; It boggles the mind a a jury could watch this and find it sufficiently offensive to jail people over!

With the Tile "Absurd", and the US title "Horrible" I was so hoping to hate this film - the review would have written itself!



Okay, opens with the most casual "Chase" sequence I've ever seen (it looks like 2 guys just out for a jog) the "Acting" (both from the origional Italian actors, and the US voice actors hired to do the dubbing) is mostly terrible, and some of the effects are less than special, but it has a certain charm to it, and with another pass of the script and a better cast, I think it could actually have been quite good!.

When 2 men arrive form Greece to a small town (I believe, despite its Italian roots, the film is set in the USA), things take a turn for the strange - One of the men has seriously accelerated regeneration / healing powers (he needs to be operated on after impaling himself on a fence during the aforementioned jog, and almost heals while still in theatre) the other is a mysterious priest, reluctant to divulge any information about himself, or healing-man.

We're also introduced to a family who's members include a girl on traction for a deviated spine, and the most irritating boy in the world, who's reaction to not enjoying a TV show seems to be to pull "I'm pooing myself" faces and then have the fakeist tantrum in the history of film:

see?

The priest also gets what is now officially my 2nd favourite priest-line (after the 'Braindead' / 'Dead Alive' classic "I kick arse for The Lord"); The line "I serve god with Biochemistry" is delivered without a trace of irony or humour.

By about the 20 minute mark, the movie has all the trappings of a decent mystery, and the last half hour of the film is very reminiscent of a low-rent "Halloween", right down to the films moody electronic score, which  recalls Carpenters classic theme. And some genuine tension is somehow squeezed out of "Indestructible killer v's Near-crippled Girl" which is impressive.

The movie also has a great (but Cheesy) final shot, that may have been meant as a sequel setup, but was more likely just intended to be a 'sting' (although it does feature the most awkward lingering close up of ever survivor in turn).

There are better ways to kill a couple of hours, and it's not a "get the beers in" movie, but if you can borrow a copy for free, it's worth a look when you're board one Sunday afternoon.



Human Body Count: 6
Animal Body Count: 1 (implied)
Boobs: 0
Most memorable death: Worlds fastest pre-heating oven.

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