The Toolbox Murders - Will's Review

Maybe I was just in the right frame of mind, maybe I'd hate it on a re-watch, but I'm going to come right out and say it; I loved the hell out of this movie.

For that reason, I'm going to tell you why you should see it, then hang around after the jump, wielding spoilers and waiting for you to join me and shoot shit about a fun little movie.

The first 20 mins or so deliver everything you'd expect from a movie with this title and this poster - within the first 15 mins you'll have seen (or not seen - sadly most of the good stuff happens off screen) 4 women and girls, in various states of undress, killed by a dude with a toolbox (polite too, he lets one girl finish masturbating before he announces his presence; just because you're about to murder a sinner is no excuse to ruin their evening!)

Fun ride though that is, it could quickly have got dull. Thankfully, a girl is kidnapped, rather than killed, the police turn up and briefly, we have a whodunit.

This also could have got pretty dull, pretty fast; especially as it's quite obvious who did 'dunnit' - the murders are all in an apartment building, and the first victim explicitly says that she was expecting the (unseen by us) killer to come, as she had called him days ago to come fix a tap!

Fear not though; the film-makers have got you covered; confirming our suspicion quickly and becoming a 'captured girl and psychotic captor' price.

Brilliant!

Now go away and watch it, then come back here.

SPOILERS FOLLOW:

Okay, so it would have been nice to SEE some of the gore, and a couple of permanences could have been better, script wise though; I'd change 2 things:

The farcical police investigation: a little more investigating and a little less trying to hook-up with the missing girls mum would have been a good start, and I don't think the real police encourage teenagers to solve murders and kidnappings themselves.

The ending... in fact screw it; I'm going to go fan-edit that, right now:...

Okay, for those who haven't seen the movie, but have decided to read this review anyway, you need to know that the young man is the nephew of the killer / kidnapper; he had (unbeknownst to the hostage) killed her brother (to protect his uncle; her brother had figured everything out by now) and then his uncle.

Then (in my head) this happens:

There!

Yes it's bleak, but in my head, that where the movie ended; this isn't HappilyEverAfterAWeek.co.uk you know! I also got rid of the "true story" blurb - I don't buy that for one second! "Based on a true story" in a horror movie means "Something bad once happened", and little else. (the real ending is after the review for anyone who wants to see it)

We have a remake of this one to watch this coming Shocktober, but from what I understand all that's been kept is the apartment complex, the title and the toolbox, which is a shame, as an update of THIS film could kick ass!

Body Count: 7 (6 in the version in my head)
Boob Count: 2 pairs
Most Memorable Death: he nailed her good!

Original ending:

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Terror Eyes - Will's Review

You know how the saying goes; Another week, another forgettable (though not entirely terrible) slasher!

This time, a killer in biker leathers and helmet is decapitating women, and throwing their heads in water.

It quickly becomes apparent that the victims all have one thing in common - the apparent, or alleged, affection of a college Anthropology professor, who collects skulls gathered from tribal head hunters from around the world; Mmmmmmm...


Of course, it doesn't take someone who watches horror movies week-in week-out to realise that such an obvious suspect is probably not the killer; and from there it's a short step to work out who the killer is.

As I mention each head turn up in water, but there's dome nice verity nether the less; a bucket, a toilet, and a turtle tank all get a look in (the poor turtle even gets clonked on the head with the prop) and there's a nice sequence in a cafe where we KNOW the head is going to show up, but we don't know where; sadly, it drags on a bit, but initially at least it's a fun bit.

So, with all the killing being more-or less identical, the mystery aspect redundant, and nothing else about the film standing out as notably strong or weak, I'm once again left with a shorter than average review.

BodyCount: 6
Boob Count: 1 side-boob
Most memorable kill: Deadly-go-round

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The Cannibal Man - Will's Review

Well, that was an incredibly gay movie; not 'Gay' in a derogatory 'South Park' way, but in a 'That movie was blatantly about homosexuality' way.

What it wasn't about though, was cannibalism; more specifically, it wasnt about a (much less the) Cannibal Man - while the killers victims are turned into meat (or, more specifically, soup), we never see anyone eat it, and our main character actively avoids eating it...
The film opens, very abruptly, with a slaughterhouse scene, in which some cows (already dead, or at least stunned) are hung and bled - the red stuff flows in rivers here, but its obviously footage of a genuine slaughter house so, although you may find this offensive, if you eat meat (I do) I suggest you STFU - this is not the 'animal snuff' of the last few weeks - this is life! I am an animal lover, but I'm also a carnivore, I would consider myself a hypocrite if I turned away.

Anyway the point of this scene (apart from some cheap shock value) is to introduce us to our main character, Marcos, who works at the slaughter house (which we find out later is actually a soup factory) and, it seams, is the kind of guy who will casually munch on his sandwich while watching cows be drained... lovely!

His causality around cow blood aside, Marcos seems like an okay guy; he has a girlfriend (although her parents don't know it), is well liked in the local cafe (especially by Rosa, who makes it quite clear that she fancies the pants off him) and lives with his brother, who is currently out of town on business (He's a lorry driver)

His home is a vertual slum shack on a patch of sand inhabeted mostly by football playing children and stray dogs - dispite it's ramshackle appearance, it's quite nice on the inside, although obviously the home of bachelors; the wall behind the sofa is decorated by with pin-ups!

So far, so "What is he on about 'that was a gay movie'" ah, but you haven't met Nester yet! - Nester is a rather wealthy, tight trousered gentleman, who lives in the posh apartment block overlooking Marcos' shack - more specifically, overlooking the roof-light of Marcos' shack. The first time we meet him he is watching Marcos with binoculars,while it is implied (but only implied mind) that Marcos is reclining on the sofa, knocking one out over the aforementioned pin-ups!

After Marcos gets into a row with a Taxi driver (the driver doesn't approve of Marcos and his lady getting amorous in the back of his cab) he ends up accidentally killing the driver while the driver is hitting Marcos' girlfriend.  The sensible thing to do at this point would be to go to the police, but Marcos is afraid that his financial position will work against him (no good lawyer = no justice) and so he decides not to.

His life then spirals out of control as more and more people find out about the murders, and he in turn dispatches each one.

In the middle of all of this Nester is incessantly flirting with him at every available opportunity - although he genuinely doesn't seem to notice, thinking that Nester just wants to be his buddy - even when he gets invited to a late night pool at a private club, where Nester pushes him in playfully, then plays splashy-splashy games, buys him a drink, and showers with him!

The gayness is never explicitly stated aloud though, and I can't help but wonder if (despite the swimming scene) it was intended to slip under the radar in a less aware time (in much the same way that Victorian England, seemingly with one mind, managed not to notice the rampant homoeroticism in Oscar Wild's "The Picture of Dorian Grey").

The "cannibalism" (Such as it is) comes in when Marco's finally finds a way to get rid of the bodies (cheap ass perfume and room deodoriser can only cover so much) - he takes them (one carrier bag full at a time) to work, and drops them into the grinder - plastic bag and all (and presumably, teeth, bones hair and all). Luckily for him, the bits of plastic don't even seem to be noticed (much less affect sales) so, by simply avoiding soup from his company, he remains The Not-Cannibal Man!

It's a quirky, slow-paced, character piece as much as anything, and the blossoming "friendship" between Marcos and Nester as as influential to the movie's off-kilter (but not odd) ending as any of the murders - it's a crying shame that the voice performers involved in the English dub (epecially the lead) were such terrible actors, as it was an interesting, and otherwise good, little movie. I would reccomend this one, but not to gore hounds - slaughterhouse footage aside, the image on the DVD cover is the goriest shot in the film.

Body Count: 6
Boob Count: 1 pair
Animal Body Count: 5*
Most Memorable Death: The one on the DVD box (fuck you, art department)

*real cows, drained when stunned or possibly already dead, but if the native-on-a-stick from Cannibal Holocaust counted as a human death, despite the actual killing not being seen, then these count too...

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Anthropophagous - Will's Reviews

***Spoilers throughout***

When I first wrote up the viewing reschedule for this project; I decided that alphabetical order was the best way to avoid missing any of the films, but that left "Absurd" (AKA  "Anthropophagous 2") before this film, however a quick background check told me that the two movies are entirly unrelated - and they are; which is wierd when you consider that both are from the same director, the same writer, and star the same guy, playing a(n entirly different) madman from Greece.

In this movie he plays an insane cannibal with a bad complexion, but no special powers, where as in the 'Sequel' he plays a killer (but not cannibal) with remarkable healing abilities.



Also bear in mind that one title for "Absurd / Anthropophagous 2" was "Zombie 6" ("Zombie" was the italian title for "Day of the Dead") so it's worth bearing in mind that 'MOVIE YOU KNOW PART X' means very little in the world of low budget Italian horror.

If you went into this movie completely blind, you could be forgiven for assuming at first that it was a Jaws rippoff; The film opens with a couple (with an adorable old dog!) on an abandoned beach, She makes for the water, while he settles down with headphones, not watching her, while she swims out to a small moored boat, it isn't long before we get shots like this:

See what I mean?

When she gets dragged under, the unknowing viewer (an by "Unknowing" I mean "Hasn't seen the video box, much less found out that 'Anthropophagous' is Greek for 'Cannibal') could still carry on in their sharky assumptions.

When the guy gets an axe to the head however, It becomes apparent that the killer in this movie is a bit less water-bound than everyone's favourite killer shark.

The fate of this chap is left unknown

Then, things slow down for a bit as we meet our fodder main characters (6 friends, and a new girl) and actually spend a good half hour getting to know the group, so that we stand a chance of caring about them (Nothing ruins a large group of victims faster than a lack of introduction - leaving us confused as to how the group slot together when they start getting bumped off).

The group meet the new girl, by the way, in the most absurdly polite sequence ever caught on film:

Mental! -So, they agree to give her a lift in their boat, and even this sleezebag isn't enough to make her rethink it and just take the new camera:

shudder

Anyway, the new girl needs a lift to a particular island, where she is to keep a 15 year old girl company in exchange for a free holiday (!), and since our gang don't have a particular itinerary, they decide to visit said island themselves.

When they arrive, the island turns out to be practically deserted, save for a few bodies dotted around (The bodies look mummified to me, but our heroes claim they appear 'devoured'), and a nice little mystery unfolds about where everyone is, who has done this, and why?

One thing that isn't explained (or rather is, but not very well) is how our killer came to be a porridge-faced monster who seemingly can't look at a human being without having to eat it. an explanation is given (in flashback) but...

If you want to see what single event can turn a relatively normal 

man into a flesh-crazed demon-lookin' dude, play this clip:

The gore was much better (although still limited) in this than in it's sequel (which makes no sense - I can only assume the second film had a smaller budget), but that said, it's still hard, though jaded post-Saw/Hostel eyes, to see why this movie was on the DPP list, much less what a jury found so offensive that the movie was prosecuted.

Well, actually I think I know exactly why it was on the list (though still not why it was prosecuted) - The video box-art for one (Which, by the way, is a massive spoiler) and the scene where the killer reaches up a pregnant woman's skirt, bulls out the feotus and starts to eat it! This scene looks, to me at least, laughably fake; while the 'feotus' is clearly a whole, dead something it is equal clear that it has never been human (Wikipedia says it's a skinned rabbit). This was not enough to prevent a panic; It was reported in the news (even by the BBC) that this was a genuine "snuff" moment.

Unlike "Absurd", George Eastman (Who, incidentally, also wrote and produced both movies) isn't the only one bothering to act this time out - The whole cast give solid enough performances, and the voice actors have made the wise choice of going for a decent delivery, at the expense of perfect lip-sync (In Absurd the lip-sync was so good that it was hard to believe at times that the cast weren't genuinely speaking English, but in fitting the words to the actors mouths, all cadence was lost.)

So, despite the ribbing I've given the film, I actually quite enjoyed it - it's a reasonable 70's horror movie, that these days you would expect to pass uncut with no problems, the story is a little thin, but to be fair it has more of a plot than, say, Halloween (which I love), so story is demonstrably not the biggest concern in a decent slasher movie. Over all I'd say it was a little better than Absurd, and once again, not a bed way to kill 90 or so minutes 

Human Body Count: 10.5

Animal Body Count: 1 (probably)

Boobs: 1 (single)

Most memorable death: Foetus Eating(!)

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Absurd - Lisa's Review

So this kicks off the 'Video Nasty a week' challenge as undertaken by myself, Will and Darren. I'm relatively new to these kind of movies, so how well I do with regards to watching them all remains to be seen, but as an avid movie fan and someone who likes a challenge, I thought I'd give it a go.

My main thought after watching this movie is why on earth is it considered a 'nasty'? Why was it successfully prosecuted? I have read the background and was quite surprised that it seems a popular choice, it inspired a rock band so much they used the title as their name and it has even been compared to an Italian 'Halloween'. I did watch a lot of horrors in the 80's having a father who is a big horror fan and honestly found those much more horrific than this movie.

I don't expect much in the way of a storyline while watching these movies, but the entire cast here need enrolling for some kind of acting lessons. The adults overact or in the case of the first murder victim don't react facially at all, the actors paid to loan their voices to the movie (as its an Italian movie) sound like they are just reading badly from a page, but the most irritating thing of all is the little boy in the movie... Will. I would gladly take and shake him! That would probably make for some more horrific footage than anything shown here.

The music, rather than set the scene and add to the story, just bloody irritates you. I found myself sat turning the sound up and down the whole way through to block it out when it started. They really pushed the boat out with Bontempi for this one.

I also found this movie was cut together really badly. Rather than pass seamlessly from one scene to another, it sharply cuts from a scene of normality and dialogue to a murder scene.

Another irritation is one of those things a lot of movies feel the need to do which is explain every little thing, either with badly written dialogue or a jerky zoom in to whatever item they want you to realise tells the next part of the story..... I'm not thick.. let me work it out for myself!

With regards to the 'gore', Ok so I realise this is early 80's but having seen a lot of supposedly less gorey 80's horrors, this was nowhere near them in effects and realism. The blood was too red... regardless of where the victim was bleeding from. Surely the movie makers realise not all blood looks like poster paint. The consistency however is not bad. The fake skin is horrendous.. thats probably the worst bit. Rather than leave you feeling squeamish and horrified, it makes you laugh at how ridiculous it looks.

I will give the writer his dues, that the ideas behind the murders were generally good and had promise, had they been executed (no pun intended) properly.

In complete contrast however, the latter half of the film has a 'head in oven' scene which is very well done. Not very gorey but the make-up is great, its very realistic and avoids the temptation to overdo it, the effect works well, the acting is actually good in this part and you do feel the horror of the situation. It really made me wonder why they got the rest of the movie so wrong, when this part was so right?

I won't give the supposed 'twist' of the movie away but you'll probably (like me) see it coming a mile off. I wish they'd put more thought into how they were going to play out this scene as its a bit of an anti-climax to be honest and there is just too much wrong with it (by way of inconsistencies and 'its-a-miracle' like recoveries) to take any of it seriously. The closing scene has probably the best gore of the entire movie, but I don't think its worth wading through the rest of the dirge to get to this bit. On the other hand, its not bad enough to watch for laughs like some of these movies.

In conclusion, I'd say if you want to watch something for the gore, don't bother, theres bugger all in the way of proper gore here. If you want to feel tension and peril, again don't bother, there is more of all of these changing my sons nappy. Sadly if you want to view it for laughs with friends, again, its not quite bad enough to do that with either.

I would only recommend this to someone who, like us, wants to watch our way through this list just so they can see them all, say they have and hopefully find some gems in the process. I know there will be much worse than this movie (I've seen them) but I'm genuinely hoping on day 1 of this challenge, there is much better.

Oven Scene = 9/10

Gore = 2/10

Makeup = 5/10 (mostly for the oven scene)

Disgust Rating = 0/10

Story = 2/10

Acting = 3/10

Overall movie rating = 2/10

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Absurd - Will's Review

I cannot for the life of me see how this movie found itself on the DPP list; much less how it was Successfully Prosecuted; It boggles the mind a a jury could watch this and find it sufficiently offensive to jail people over!

With the Tile "Absurd", and the US title "Horrible" I was so hoping to hate this film - the review would have written itself!



Okay, opens with the most casual "Chase" sequence I've ever seen (it looks like 2 guys just out for a jog) the "Acting" (both from the origional Italian actors, and the US voice actors hired to do the dubbing) is mostly terrible, and some of the effects are less than special, but it has a certain charm to it, and with another pass of the script and a better cast, I think it could actually have been quite good!.

When 2 men arrive form Greece to a small town (I believe, despite its Italian roots, the film is set in the USA), things take a turn for the strange - One of the men has seriously accelerated regeneration / healing powers (he needs to be operated on after impaling himself on a fence during the aforementioned jog, and almost heals while still in theatre) the other is a mysterious priest, reluctant to divulge any information about himself, or healing-man.

We're also introduced to a family who's members include a girl on traction for a deviated spine, and the most irritating boy in the world, who's reaction to not enjoying a TV show seems to be to pull "I'm pooing myself" faces and then have the fakeist tantrum in the history of film:

see?

The priest also gets what is now officially my 2nd favourite priest-line (after the 'Braindead' / 'Dead Alive' classic "I kick arse for The Lord"); The line "I serve god with Biochemistry" is delivered without a trace of irony or humour.

By about the 20 minute mark, the movie has all the trappings of a decent mystery, and the last half hour of the film is very reminiscent of a low-rent "Halloween", right down to the films moody electronic score, which  recalls Carpenters classic theme. And some genuine tension is somehow squeezed out of "Indestructible killer v's Near-crippled Girl" which is impressive.

The movie also has a great (but Cheesy) final shot, that may have been meant as a sequel setup, but was more likely just intended to be a 'sting' (although it does feature the most awkward lingering close up of ever survivor in turn).

There are better ways to kill a couple of hours, and it's not a "get the beers in" movie, but if you can borrow a copy for free, it's worth a look when you're board one Sunday afternoon.



Human Body Count: 6
Animal Body Count: 1 (implied)
Boobs: 0
Most memorable death: Worlds fastest pre-heating oven.

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