Mardi Gras Massacre - Will's Review

Remember last week I told you not to read spoilers until you'd seen the movie? Not so much this week...

Dull, badly acted and amateurishly edited, MDM doesn't even deliver a massacre! Reading spoilersis highly recommended as it will save you the effort of sitting through the damn thing!

The movie centers around a guy (never named who worships some ancient goddess (she is never named either) and so sacrifices naked women to her (and plays with their insides a bit) in his very own alter room.

If you want to see that, go watch Blood Feast - that wasn't very good either, but at least Herschell Gordon Lewis delivered the gore!
For some reason his 'evil' goddess requires the blood of 'evil women' - our guy's solution? He frequents bars full of hookers (of which it would seem New Orleans is full) and asks for well...

How do you even begin to answer this?

By the way; does anyone actually worship something they think is 'evil'? I'd always assumed that people believed their own deities to be in the right, and that it was opposing religions who branded them evil... But I digress...

Despite his strange request, the only thing witnesses have to say once the police turn up is 'he had an unusual [finger] ring' - the police even have a sketch of the ring made, which is so detailed that it is successfully used to locate him (apparently food delivery boys pay as much attention to rings as hookers do). Oddly not one witness mentions his hunt for 'evil women' and, although several people have seen him, they do not have a sketch of his face drawn up, just his ring!

Anyway, after paying over the odds (apparently Mardi Gras is like a bank holiday for working girls) for 3 hookers, he drugs them in one of cinemas time lapse sequences:

I Swear I have not edited this clip!

Mardi Gras itself is wasted, showing up only briefly (his murders occur the 3 weeks before the day itself) and our killer uses a mask to vanish into the crowd, but not in a way that builds any suspense (or even interest) and only very briefly.

The movie doesn't even have any kind of resolution. After rescuing the 3 hookers, the police corner our guy, who then steals a cop car from right under their noses and deliberately drives into the dock (via a convenient ramp). The car is later recovered, but his body is missing. The (abrupt) end!

There's also a pointless subplot in which one of the cops starts dating one of the hookers.

What I learned from this movie:

• Hookers hearts are massive (about the size of pig hearts)
• Hookers take the day off for Mardi Gras.
• Contrary to what you may have been told), homosexual men stay indoors for Mardi Gras (as we learn from this completely random scene, featuring our lead cops, and a guy who doesn't appear in the movie at all outside of this scene)

Body Count: 3
Boob Count: 7 Pairs
Most Memorable Death: All are the same.

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The Devil Hunter - Will's Review

As regular readers (humour me here) will know, I've stopped taking notes while watching the movies, which begs the question "how does one go about reviewing a film so dull that you had forgotten most of it before it finished?"

Well, I remember boobs, I remember that some of the boobs had a context (Natives, sacrifice, rape) and that some did not (walking around on a yatch).

I remember that some Hollywood type woman got kidnapped, and that her kidnappers decided the jungle was the best place to hide with her, and I remember not knowing why.

I remember that 2 raging idiots were sent to rescue her.

I remember a non-explicit, but still unnecessary and lingering rape scene, and a quazi-lesbian scene where 3 tribes women undress the unconscious (and now re-kidnapped by them) starlet, and anoint her body with oil (mostly I remember that the camera spent about 90 seconds on her muff).

I remember the worst voice acting (the movie is dubbed) I've ever encountered, and I remember that they managed to wedge 'nam in there somewhere.

Mostly I remember the Tribes "god" who rampages around the Jungle eating women's hearts. I remember that he has bloodshot pingpong balls for eyes and a face made of putty, I remember that his was buck naked, had big feet, was tall, black, and that he dispelled 3 penis-related stereotypes in one fell swoop.

What I don't remember seeing was any reason this piss-poor film was banned, nor any reason you should watch it.

Body Count: 8
Boob Count: 8 pairs (mostly tribeswomen)
Animal Body Count: 0
Most Memorable Death: Erm..... I think someone got their guts ripped out?

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Blood Feast - Lisa's Review

*** CONTAINS SPOILERS ***

There's not all that much that I can say about 'Blood Feast' other than it is total drivel.

I had a little read about the movie when I watched it, as I usually do and it seems the writer didn't actually mean it to be taken seriously and even acknowledges himself its crap, which is just as well really. He was quoted as saying "It's no good, but it was the first of its type". In fact the early year of this movie (1963) is probably its only redeeming feature, in that it will interest true horror / gore fans to see one of the original 'Nasties'.

This movie is set around the idea that a very weird and aptly named Mr Ramses, who runs his own catering business and seems to have an Egyptian obsession, sacrifices female (as always) victims to a female eygptian god and put various parts in his dishes... lovely!

Mr Ramses is a very odd character coming across as a mix of pervert, asylum escapee and ideal 'Just for men' model. The white powder (or whatever it is on his head) that they applied to make his obvious dark hair appear greying just irritated me the whole way through. It looked like someone had taken to it with copious amounts of dry shampoo and hadn't got around to getting rid of it. I wanted to take to it with a bloody big brush...

Sooo back to the movie. The first murder set the standard as to what we could expect. A hacking by way of a very big knife (or was it a machete Will?) in the bath and the cutting off of a couple of limbs. Firstly there was absolutely no blood spatter (sorry Dexter) whilst all this hacking was going on and secondly after the dismemberment there was no blood in the water in the bath!! Just a little trickle down the outside. Hmmmmm. Blood Feast? I think not!

What is amusing however is in a later scene, a newspaper is turned akwardly towards the camera by 2 different readers with the emblazoned 'Legs Cut Off' headline - You don't say! Journalism in those days was obviously not much better than it is today then, lol.

Again my soundtrack fixation rears its ugly head. This probably has the worst soundtrack of all the movies so far. A mundane constant double drum beat interspersed with the beloved bontempi organ. What it also had however was instruments which it seemed were deliberately played out of tune (A dying tumpet which turned into a police siren and a very badly played violin being 2 I could mention).

Amongst the various bad killings we cut to a bland, bare, very echoey police station and 2 very typical police investigators who surely must have struggled to take their script seriously. The set never moves and every time we cut to them, we see exactly the same scene with them sat in exactly the same place basically going over everything thats happened, just in case the viewer didn't quite understand. Nothing left for you to work out here.. I do think these guys were put in for the comedy element though and if so, it did work ok in places. I found the obvious pretense of writing of 'Wild Eyes' on a notepad when recording the description of the murderer from a dying victim amusing at least.

The second killing was just as banal as the first and was on a beach were a young couple were having a moment. Obviously only the woman dies (again very poor) and the acting which follows when the police show up from her bereft boyfriend Tony is well worth a raspberry award. A scene which warrants a mention for amusement is a random snake which shows up on the beach for dramatic effect lying beside the remains of the victims head (poor poor makeup - dont get excited)... being dragged off camera. Made me chuckle! This scene also gives us a very bad church organ being played and the trumpet running out of batteries and turning into a police siren.

I won't really go into any further detail about the movie as it doesn't get any better. Some points I will quickly jot down though....

Having your tongue pulled out means you die with your eyes crossed. Apparently this is the first movie which showed deaths with open eyes.

About 10 whips is suficient to kill you... best be careful there then!

Don't pick the back of a bin lorry as your hiding place - you can guess what happened here and even though this is a 'nasty' nothing was shown during or even after this death.

Scooby Do may well have got their famous 'summing up' from this movie judging by our policeman at the end helpfully summing it all up for us lest we didn't understand.

In all, don't waste your time unless like us you just want to say you've seen them all. Gore was rubbish, acting was atrocious, bad guy was laughable, deaths were a wee bit funny, soundtrack made me want to watch the whole thing on mute.

Gore: 2/10

Acting:2/10

Overall Score: 2/10

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