Snuff - Will's Review

After watching Snuff, but while pondering what I could possibly write about it, I happened to read an interview with (Current Doctor Who writer-in-chief) Stephen Moffat, in which he says that "All stories are endings; the rest of the story is just a way to arrive at the ending" - which is true, and sums up nicely why a bad ending can ruin an otherwise fine movie, and why a great ending can elevate an average film.

It's also never been more fitting as I come to review a movie that was sold entirely on it's final scene.


I'll get to that all important final scene in a moment; first, I'll quickly address the rest of the movie.

The rest of the movie had previously enjoyed a (very) limited release as "Slaughter", and follows a Manson-Family style cult, who's female members kill for fun, torture each other for the mildest of infractions, and swear undying allegiance to their leader, Satan (pronounced with the empasis on the second vowel, so it sounds like "sat-anne". Satan want's some rich dude's baby as a sacrifice, and has stationed one of his women to live with him to bear said child; however when rich-dude's (married) lover, an actress, is in town, Satan decides to have her husband killed, in order to pave the way for rich-dud to impregnate her instead.

Every time we see the hippy-chicks on their bikes we are regaled with the first 2 bars of "Born to be Wild" over and over again,

This literally goes on for 2 minutes, and it's not even the only 

time in the film that it's used. 

there's a carnival that uses the same 4 pieces of stock footage on a loop,

"...at hypnotising people"

and the "acting" is, well... this:

It is honestly one of the worst scripted, most incompetently made, and horrendiouslty dubbed movies I have EVER seen. At times it would qualify for a so-bad-it's-good mention, but sadly for every unintentionally hilarious minute, there are 5 that are just plain dull.

Eventually (This technically counts as a spoiler, but given the nature of the film, it really doesn't spoil anything) the actress does fall pregnant, and when she's 7 months gone, one of the cut enters her home and stabs her in her pregnant belly.

That is where the footage from "slaughter" ends. You see, the entire rest of the film really has been an excuse to get to this point - the camera pulls back, and we see the stabbing that we have just witnessed is on a movie set - someone yells "Cut" and the "dead" actress walks away, along with the "hippy" who stabbed her.

"It was all a movie" is right up there with "It was all a dream" when it comes to crappy ways to end a story - and even the shittiest film deserves to be told all the way through. But no. "Slaughter" lost it's ending to become this new abomination "Snuff" and with the fourth wall broken, the new scene is tacked on.

The marketing at the time of film's release was engineered to imply that, at the end of the film, a crew member is killed, for real, on tape. The film's tagline boasted that it was a film "that could only be made in South America; where life is cheap!", feminist groups picketed the movie (although the rumour is that, at least to start with, they were paid to do so by the distributor/producer, Allan Shackleton), and Shackleton himself refused to be drawn on the validity of the final scene, claiming that "If it is real I'd be a fool to admit it. If it isn't real, I'd be a fool to admit it"

You would have though that, having gone to so much effort, the film makers would have pulled out all the stops to make the "snuff" portion of the film realistic.

They did not.

It is vertually impossible to believe that anyone could watch the final scene of this movie with a remotliy critical mind and believe for even one second that it is anything more that a (rather poory staged) effect piece; Herschell Gordon Lewis has staged more convincing gore-scenes!

At one point the victims finger is cut off, BUT YOU CAN PLAINLY SEE IT CURLED UNDER HER HAND!!!

Later, while her (obviously fake) body is being cut into - the blood is gone... and the finger is back!!!

In summery - Shackleton took an already shitty movie... an managed to ruin it!

Body Count: 13
Boob Count: 6 Pairs
Most memorable death: The fake snuff one - and that was shit!

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The Devil Hunter - Will's Review

As regular readers (humour me here) will know, I've stopped taking notes while watching the movies, which begs the question "how does one go about reviewing a film so dull that you had forgotten most of it before it finished?"

Well, I remember boobs, I remember that some of the boobs had a context (Natives, sacrifice, rape) and that some did not (walking around on a yatch).

I remember that some Hollywood type woman got kidnapped, and that her kidnappers decided the jungle was the best place to hide with her, and I remember not knowing why.

I remember that 2 raging idiots were sent to rescue her.

I remember a non-explicit, but still unnecessary and lingering rape scene, and a quazi-lesbian scene where 3 tribes women undress the unconscious (and now re-kidnapped by them) starlet, and anoint her body with oil (mostly I remember that the camera spent about 90 seconds on her muff).

I remember the worst voice acting (the movie is dubbed) I've ever encountered, and I remember that they managed to wedge 'nam in there somewhere.

Mostly I remember the Tribes "god" who rampages around the Jungle eating women's hearts. I remember that he has bloodshot pingpong balls for eyes and a face made of putty, I remember that his was buck naked, had big feet, was tall, black, and that he dispelled 3 penis-related stereotypes in one fell swoop.

What I don't remember seeing was any reason this piss-poor film was banned, nor any reason you should watch it.

Body Count: 8
Boob Count: 8 pairs (mostly tribeswomen)
Animal Body Count: 0
Most Memorable Death: Erm..... I think someone got their guts ripped out?

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Dead and Buried - Will's Review

When an art photographer travels to the town of potters bluff he quick gets more than he bargained for in the for of a very 'willing' would be model...

As part of their flirtations,  they elect to pick names for each other, rather than share their own. Suffice to say, I almost pissed myself when he names her 'Lisa' - especially when he gave his reasoning...

I suppose It's good to have attainable goals...

Anyway, just as it looks like out guy is about to get lucky, 'Lisa' takes his camera. If that weren't enough to ruin your holiday, a bunch of fishermen (all with, presumably stolen, cameras) descend on him, beat the crap out of him, and tie him to a tree, before letting another woman set fire to him - nice!

Despite being 'only' a beating (the burning happens mostly off-camera or in long shot), the scene where 'Freddie' is tied up manages to be pretty brutal, and is probably the reason this film found itself on the DPP list.

The next morning 'Freddy's body turns up in his upturned, burned out VW, looking like this...

...and just when it looks like his trip couldn't get any worse, it turns out the poor bugger is still alive!

Just as the local serif, Dan Gillis, is starting to figure out that Mr Crispy could have been burnt elsewhere and then placed in his van, 'Lisa' goes to hospital ti finish the job, then an old drunk (also a visitor to the town) is killed on the fish quay - this time the mob slash his face before stabbing him, all while photographing and filming the whole thing!

By the time we're up to 3 murders (the mob also take out a hitch-hiker) it's quite clear (to us) that most of the town are in on the slaughter of outsiders, and things only get stranger when 'Freddy' (now officialy going by that name) turns up pumping gas at the local garage!

In the middle of his investigations, The sherif finds out that his wife is lying to him, Dobbs (the local funeral director) gets upset that he can't practice his "art" (he's a keen re constructive post-mortum cosmetologist) on the murder victims as the families haven't turned up to pay for his services.

With the exception of one bad dummy head, the effects are great - check out Dobbs reconstructing a cadaver's face:

No, She doesn't just sit right up!

Man, I have NO IDEA how they did the eye bit!

It's a difficult movie to describe, as there's so much going on, including 3 kind-of plot twists; I say "kind-of" because 2 of them are so heavily hinted at I think you're supposed to cotton on long before we are told, but I thoroughly enjoyed it, and would recommend it to any horror fan (not just fans of the nasties - this one is really tame).

Body Count: 4 (kind of...)
Boob Count: 1 Pair
Animal Body Count: 0
Most Memorable Death: A mercy burial

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Cannibal Terror - Will's Review

Awful, awful movie - probably a short review this week, as I object to spending too much more time on this hunk-o-crap!

Some no-goods are planning their next scam, the woman of the group (consisting 2 guys and herself) has a chance encounter with the daughter of a car magnate;  a little girl who is horribly dubbed by an adult doing a hideous 'little girl' voice; just seconds later, have managed to kidnap her (although she doesn't seem to mind in the slightest) and decided that "the jungle" (a field with some trees) is the nest place to hide out.

The local Don hooks them up with a safe house, where one of them pervs on, and later rapes, their host's wife - Their host finds out and has a releaxed party where he and hius wife dance with the no-goods like nothing has happened, before inviting the rapist to go out hunting with him. Because the rapist is a moron (well, all rapists are morons - but this guy is dumb by their standards) he agrees to go.

The husband ties the rapist to the tree, and (rather than shooting his nuts off) whistles for the local cannibal tribe - who it seems are very well trained and come when called.

Meanwhile Manuella (our rape victim) tells... some guys (I have no idea who) that the kidnapped girl is with them, and her parents arive on a rescue mission - causing the remaining nogoodniks to flee into "canibal country" - little gril and all.

The bad guys get eaten, and the tribe give the girl back, saying that the kidnappers "got what they deserved"

The end.

I honestly believe that I just spent more time on the plot that the film-makers did!

The acting (both original and dubbing) in almost non-existent, The score is horrible, consisting mostly of a "La Bamba" rip-off played on a Casio keyboard, the effects are dreadful - at one point the "raw guts" being eaten by the tribe are clearly cooked chicken breast in tomato sauce, and the skulls that adorn the village are less convincing that the ones that adorn my dining room at Halloween (they are, literally, Halloween decoration skulls from a shop - they arn't even hollow, having just recesses for eye sockets).

And the tribe! What can I say about the tribe? they are a hodge-podge of different races and builds, sporting an array of (often 70's) haircuts, and their made-up ranges from those stripes that skiers in the 90's painted on thier face, to kids at a village fate, to colour-blind Kiss fans:

BONUS: Clip also contains one of those Halloween skulls I was talking about!

The best thing about this film was the animal body count which, after the previous 2 'propper' Cannibal movies (Holocaust, Ferox), came as a blessed relief.

Body Count: 6
Boob Count: 2 pairs
Animal Body Count: 0
Most Memorable Death: ... I honestly can't remember any specific death! - I think a guy got hit with an arrow?

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Bloody Moon - Will's Review

Not great, but for all it's (many, many) flaws I found myself quite enjoying it. I Don't know if I was just in a receptive mood, or if last weeks monstrosity has lowered my expectations (or dulled my senses) enough to cope with anything, but I found myself ignoring certain aspects of this one and enjoy the ride.

The opening sequence is a Masked ball / 80's pool-side party, complete with a scarred pervert in the hedges (I say "scarred" he actually has a pot of silly putty blobbed all over one side of his face) watching people "make out". But he really hits the jackpot when the group stud engages in the most mutually verbally guided sex ever ("kiss me harder", "touch me there" etc.), not because he gets to watch, but because said man-bike is ordered to take his mask off (Mickey Mouse - Disney must love this!) allowing putty-features to pose as him.

Now, you may think I'm beings bit harsh calling him a man-bike for sleeping with one girl, but when or disfigured perve wanders into the party and immediately starts dancing with a girl, her reaction is basically "Oh, I though you were with [another girl], great - want to come back to my place?", he does and she fails to notice how silent he's being, on account that she's happy to have both sides of the conversation "I want you, and You want me too don't you, yes you do, I could tell", they're just about to bump uglies, when she knocks his mask off, and sees that it's not the guy she was after - oddly (!) she objects to this, and her screams are rewarded with a pair of scissors to the gut - repeatedly and unconvincingly.

Cut to 5 years later, and Scar-face's sister has come to pick him up from the asylum, the possibility of him having another 'Episode' is deemed unlikely, but she is told, never the less, to avoid upsetting situations, and in particular to 'never mention that night'.

So, attempted rape and a murder is 'an episode' now...

Anyway, on the way home on the train putty-features becomes slightly obsessed with some poor girl (hilariously, when the girl screams, blobby-chops' sisters' first question is "you didn't kill her did you?"

Over the next few scenes we are introduced to our (fairly sizeable) cast, all of whom either attend, run or own the 'International Youth-Club Boarding School of Langueges', which has newly opened in the privately owned complex of bungalows which houses the pool from the opening party. Our cast of characters consists of

• Miguel - The Aforementioned scared murderer / attempted rapist 
• Manuela - Miguel's Sister 
• Angela - Our obvious "Final Girl", remember the girl from the train? This is her, she also just happens to be attending the language school! 
• Countess Maria - Wheelchair bound Aunt of Miguel and Manuela - she owns the entire bungalow complex and the mansion above it, and is vocal in her dislike of Manuela and her intention to leave everything to her nephew. 
• Alvaro - Who, With Manuela, runs the school 
• Antonio - School janitor and groundskeepers, known for being a hit in the sack, and not afraid to offer his services as a willing piece of meat. Make the Man-Bike from the pool party look like a modest prude. 
• Bueno - Slightly retarded, bald grounds-staff member at the school 
• Eva / Rita / Inga / probably more - Interchangeable blonde students of the school, nubile cannon fodder. 

Our first death comes when the cantankerous Countess is woken by a blinding light, she begs for the light to be turned off, and it is - then someone sets her on fire (unconvincingly) with a flaming torch.

Which brings us to the first major plot-problem... The movie tries hard to keep us guessing not only who the killer is, but why, and who is 'in on it', but for the entire rest of the movie we will frequently see Manuella pushing her Aunt around in her wheelchair (always with her back to camera), and generally acting as though she is still alive (although she never speaks), so guessing her involvement is not the most challenging task...

We are told that Angela is staying in Bungalow 13, which has a bit of a reputation amongst the girls as it is the bungalow in which a girl was stabbed to death with scissors 5 years ago (that the murder was committed by the landowner's nephew apparently isn't known to them). Brilliantly / Awfully, although it is never mentioned on screen, Bungalow 13 still has the same furniture now, as a boarding room in a school, as it had then, as a private residence and murder-scene.

Angela has a bit of a rought time of it on her first day in the bungellow - first she catches Bueno perving through her window, then she (imagines she?) catches sight of Miguel in her mirror, then a looming figure approaches her door - luckily this traumatic time is brought to an when the figure turns out to be an underage door-to-door ceramic elephant seller... No, Really!

Would I lie to you?

At one point, Manuela is pottering around her room in the mansion in a see-through nightie when there is a knock at the door; it's her brother. At this point, I have written in my notes "He seems very relaxed chatting to his sister while her boobs are vis.... Ohhhh, Ewwwwww" As at this point, they start making out, while Miguel begs her to "love him again like [she] did before"... It is truly the most desturbing consentual (thankfully not quite) sex scene I have ever seen! Thankfully, she calls it off befor things get, well even worse, Remiding him that it would be wrong as people would judge them, she (rather stupidly) says to him that they could be together if they "Could just get rid of everyone arround [them]" doubletripplecringe!

Later, at the Campus "Disco Club", Antonio, dispite having every interchangeable blond in the place virtually begging him for sex, decides to walk Angela home. Literally walk her home. He doesn't even ask to come in!

Some time later, the killer stalks Angela in her room - and he has mad vanishing skills! I know ALL slasher villains have super stealth, but check this guy out:

Actually, I'm glad that clip contained musak - I'm quite certain the score on this one will have driven Lisa nuts, containing as it does 2 themes; There's the one from the trailer (which is usally source music - playing over the radio, on whatever) and the one in the clip above, which for some reason puts me in mind of a bad cover of G'n'R's version of "Live and Let Die".

Anyway, the knock at the door is one of the interchangeables, who comes over to borrow a sweater from Angela, but instead gets stabbed (from behind) through the tit - ouch! unfortunately for Angela, the body vanishes before she has time to tell anyone, and general consensus is that she imagined the whole thing.

Angela (perhaps understandably) does start to loose it at this point; she imagines that the language lab (remember those?) in her class is threatening her.

Later, she goes for a walk down by the harbour to look for her murdered friend (The harbour is stunning by the way) where she sees Manuela hasteling Antonio, and then nearly gets crushed by a falling rock - which she thinks is a matter for the police...

I'd verb her nouns out!

And so it continues, there a a couple more (fake looking) murders (including an "I'll be right back"), more scenes of Manuela wheeling around her (unmoving) aunt, Shots of Bueno being creepy and retarded, and a fun aside where Antonio "saves" Angela by cutting a Snake with some shears, but all she knows is that she turns around to see him holding up the bloody shears at her.

Eventually, 3 of the bodies turn up in Angela's bungalow, She is confronted by the masked killer, and rescued by Miguel, leaving the 2 to fight, she runs to the mansion where she is drugged, and the plot revealed.

In true slasher fashion, everyone present (but final girl) gets killed, just in time for the police to arrive.

As I saw, I quite enjoyed it, but now I come to describe the film, I can't for the life of me see why...

But there's enough potential here IMO to warrant a remake (I never got the point of remaking films which ether never had anything going for them - "Prom Night", or were already pretty much perfect "Nightmare on Elm Street" - lets remake the films with wasted potential!) - a bit more back story about what caused Miguel's "episode" in the first place could set him up as a much more sympathetic character (while at the same time developing the sister) and not actually showing us the Aunt's murder would help the mystery along no-end.

Over-all (like the first 2 films on our list) I can't openly recommend this one, but if it happens to be on, and you happen to have nothing to do, I've sat through worse (at least twice in the last 4 weeks).

Human Body Count: 7
Animal Body Count: 1
Boobs: 6 pairs
Most memorable death: Stabbed trough the boob.

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