The Toolbox Murders - Lisa's Review

*** BIG FAT SPOILERS ***

A VERY sleazy one this week.  I struggled with how to present my review and whether or not to give the movie a 'recommends' tag.  I decided since the aspects of the movie that I didn't enjoy are specific pet peeves of mine and perhaps aren't things that would irritate most viewers, I would go with a thumbs up.

The movie starts very abruptly and launches into several murders in an apartment block.  We don't know any of the victims nor the perpetrator.  The fact that I found the murders very disturbing and cringed numerous times, points towards the strength of the scenes, as we don't need prior knowledge nor a connection with the victims to feel an empathy.  The murders weren't dragged out (which for me can sometimes dilute the effect) and the methods, which included the sharp end of a claw hammer, a drill (with a very large drill bit), a nailgun and a knife were toe-curling (in a good way) and had me wincing and cringing.  The blood was realistic and the killer himself had an eerie madness about him.  The completely contrasting music the victims were listening to in their homes before their attacks, which end up accompanying their demise definately adds to the disturbing nature of the scenes.
One complaint I do have though (and the one thing that ruined these scenes for me) was the necessity to have 2 of the victims presented in a sexual manner when it wasn't required and is so obviously done for titillation.  We see a young woman in a bath (with a full face of makeup... bad for the skin that) masturbating.  The killer gains his entry unheard by the woman due to her loud music and he kindly waits for her to finish before dispatching her by way of a nail-gun.... the obvious pun would be something along the line of 'nailing her' but I'm not that crass.  Anyways.... I have nothing against nudity in movies, male or female, but put it in there when its required and is relevant, don't just make a murder victim nude because you can.  These scenes are meant to be disturbing, shocking and chilling, not titillating.   I did ask my husband his viewpoint on this, as a matter of interest and wanting a males perspective and his view is simply, they did this at the time because they wanted to push the boundaries as much as they could, by making the movie as controversial as they could (ie as much nudity, gore and distasteful scenes as possible).  The intention was never to titillate.   Hmmm I can see that angle, but I still reckon its distracting from the scene and for most viewers.  I mean how many naked men do we see murdered in movies?  Like I said before, its a personal pet peeve and not one which would apply to everyone, hence me giving the movie the 'Recommended' tag.

Anyways, after the first half hour, the movie takes a dramatic change of pace as we see the killer kidnap a 15 year old girl (Laurie).  Its a strange change of pace, but not a bad one and the remainder of the movie is more pyschological rather than a physical horror.  The acting is impressive, which is a big change for The Nasties List and you genuinely feel empathy with the characters.   The film is now pretty much split into 3.  A Whodunnit with a waste of time police investigation... there really was no point in even bothering with this side of things if they weren't going to do it properly.  I've seen more convincing crime solving in an episode of Scooby Doo.  Speaking of Scooby Doo,  the second part of our 3 part movie split follows our kidnapped girls brother and his friend (who just so happens to be our killers nephew) trying to solve the case themselves.  Lastly we follow the killer and kidnapper and his odd relationship with Laurie who spends the duration tied to a bed.  This was a bit uncomfortable, as although there are no sexual scenes between the killer and her, the general creepiness almost implies something is amiss.  Sadly the inevitable rape of 15 year old Laurie is factored in nearing the end of the movie, but not by our killer/kidnapper, but by his nephew.  Thankfully we are spared any gratuitous and unnecessary shots with almost everything happening off camera.  I liked the ending.  Simple and effective.  I won't give that away.  I've given away pretty much everything else.

The movie had flaws.  There are inconsistencies, there are lots of unbelievable bits, there are frustrating bits (like a victim who hides in a small room from the killer who is wielding a drill and chasing her... she leans AGAINST the door separating the 2 of them!  ARRRGGGGHH).  I will say however overall its one of the better nasties and one I could recommend to any lovers of horror who aren't too easilly offended.

Can we maintain positives movies for a few weeks???  Watch this space!

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Mardi Gras Massacre - Will's Review

Remember last week I told you not to read spoilers until you'd seen the movie? Not so much this week...

Dull, badly acted and amateurishly edited, MDM doesn't even deliver a massacre! Reading spoilersis highly recommended as it will save you the effort of sitting through the damn thing!

The movie centers around a guy (never named who worships some ancient goddess (she is never named either) and so sacrifices naked women to her (and plays with their insides a bit) in his very own alter room.

If you want to see that, go watch Blood Feast - that wasn't very good either, but at least Herschell Gordon Lewis delivered the gore!
For some reason his 'evil' goddess requires the blood of 'evil women' - our guy's solution? He frequents bars full of hookers (of which it would seem New Orleans is full) and asks for well...

How do you even begin to answer this?

By the way; does anyone actually worship something they think is 'evil'? I'd always assumed that people believed their own deities to be in the right, and that it was opposing religions who branded them evil... But I digress...

Despite his strange request, the only thing witnesses have to say once the police turn up is 'he had an unusual [finger] ring' - the police even have a sketch of the ring made, which is so detailed that it is successfully used to locate him (apparently food delivery boys pay as much attention to rings as hookers do). Oddly not one witness mentions his hunt for 'evil women' and, although several people have seen him, they do not have a sketch of his face drawn up, just his ring!

Anyway, after paying over the odds (apparently Mardi Gras is like a bank holiday for working girls) for 3 hookers, he drugs them in one of cinemas time lapse sequences:

I Swear I have not edited this clip!

Mardi Gras itself is wasted, showing up only briefly (his murders occur the 3 weeks before the day itself) and our killer uses a mask to vanish into the crowd, but not in a way that builds any suspense (or even interest) and only very briefly.

The movie doesn't even have any kind of resolution. After rescuing the 3 hookers, the police corner our guy, who then steals a cop car from right under their noses and deliberately drives into the dock (via a convenient ramp). The car is later recovered, but his body is missing. The (abrupt) end!

There's also a pointless subplot in which one of the cops starts dating one of the hookers.

What I learned from this movie:

• Hookers hearts are massive (about the size of pig hearts)
• Hookers take the day off for Mardi Gras.
• Contrary to what you may have been told), homosexual men stay indoors for Mardi Gras (as we learn from this completely random scene, featuring our lead cops, and a guy who doesn't appear in the movie at all outside of this scene)

Body Count: 3
Boob Count: 7 Pairs
Most Memorable Death: All are the same.

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Madhouse - Wills Review

Right off the bat I'm going to tell you I enjoyed this one. It's a slasher, which puts me on 'home turf' as were, so I may be a little biased, but I really enjoyed it.

Don't get me wrong, it can drag a little in the first two acts, but once things start to unfold... The last 20 mins is more than worth the price of admission; not because of any over the top gore (worst luck) but what it lacks in the red stuff in more than makes up for in batshit insanity!

And it has a really bad glove puppet dog in it too!

The trouble is that the good stuff all happens after a twist at around the hour mark, so if you read any further you're going to have it spoiled.

Go away right now, and don't come back until you've seen the film!

Oh, and make sure it's the one from 1981 - there are about a million (well, 6) completely unrelated films all called "Madhouse".

GO!



Still here? Good, So you've seen the film and don't need a synopsis.

I dug the twist, and I really dug that they set up a false twist. Between Julia's account of her sisters abuse ("It was almost like I was doing it to myself") and the fact that we never saw the killers face I was convinced it was her... but no!

Then her uncle turned out to be the killer, and I was positive the sister was already dead - but now, she was (one of the) killer(s), and they are working together!

Then the uncle kills her too - Genius!

I can even forgive the dog killing, because the dog" that got killed was more like Spit than a real Rottweiler! (Did anyone else notice that the dog was clearly really friendly, and had clips holding his mouth in a fake snarl?), and the Cat (presumably) got killed off screen.

So yes, It could have been a bit better paced, and yes it would have been nice to see some gore, but I loved the insane uncle so much that I'm giving this one my seal of approval.

Body Count: 6

Boob Count: 0

Animal Body Count: 2

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Late Night Train - Lisa's Review

*** Spoilers ***

If you are a regular reader (are there any?) and are reading this review, you could be forgiven for wondering if you have been here before... as in last week.  This movie IS 'Last house on the leftt' with the forest being replaced by a train.  The actual similarties are uncanny.

Here we have the same 2 naive girls Lisa and Margaret, who board a train to spend Christmas with Lisa's parents.  Its all very steady and plodding along, I'm getting rather bored and very irritated by our female stars who are doing nothing to ingratiate me to them.   Throw into the mix a couple of one dimensional thugs (who we are introduced to as they mug Santa!).  Of course the same 2 guys make their way onto the same train with Lisa and Margaret.  Initially they help the guys hide from the ticket inspector in the loo's but grow steadily more  wary of them due to their changing behaviour and aggression.

A scene which initially REALLY pissed me off was the first sign that our bad guys are scum when one of them attempts to molest a rich female passenger in the train toilets.  The reason for my disgust is the woman is about to get raped but decides she is actually quite enjoying it.  I mean COME ON!!!!   My disgust later turned to a nodded Hmmmm as this females character is uncovered.  She makes the 2 bad guys look like 'Bert & Ernie'.  This is one good thing I would say for the movie is that her character is well and truely one of the most depraved, remorseless, sick female characters on film I have ever watched.   Unusual to see this and there should be more of it to be honest.

So, our 2 girls change train when we have a stop due to a bomb scare but they find the 2 guys and their new female 'friend' onboard the same train.  They force their way into their carraige and the nastiness well and truely commences.  I'm not going to go into full detail, but needless to say its not nice and I did not enjoy watching it.  What I would say though that most of the horror is implied and left to our own minds.
The attacks are brutal, violent and obviously sexual as you can tell a mile off that is going to be the emphasis in the movie.  We have the innocent virgin (as in LHOTL) and we keep flitting back to Lisas parents preparing for the girls arrival for Christmas in high spirits (again much like the parents in LHOTL for the birthday party).

What is rather shocking is how much the attacks are pushed by the new female member of this little gang.  She seems to be the sick mind behind it all.  There is the stereotypical humiliation, stripping, rapes, abuse and violence.  Another passenger is even pulled into it all when he is caught watching some action, but he manages to run off.

One girl is so terrified, when she manages to escape into the toilets, she throws herself from the train and ultimately to her own death just to get away from them. There is also a VERY uncomfortable scene with the other young girl (a virgin) being 'broken in' with a knife.  She dies from blood loss and they throw her body and possessions out of the train.

As with last weeks movie, the gang 'coincidentally' end up in the home of one of the murdered girls parents (I won't bore you with details) and again, like last week an item worn by one of the gang members gives the game away and we have the start of the revenge of the parents.

Frustratingly AGAIN, like last week it just doesn't cut the mustard.  It isn't satisfying.  It wasn't enough for me.  This movie spends an age setting it all up and the revenge of the parents is over in a heartbeat, whats more is that the blonde nasty cow gets away with it all as she claims the guys tried to atack her too!  Wheres the justice in that?  What was the point?  We are left wondering what is going to happen to her at the end of the movie.

I wouldn't say this was a bad movie.  It is LHOTL rehashed and in my humble opinion, it doesn't do the job as well.  I wouldn't say avoid it, but I wouldn't say rush out and see this now!  If you've seen one of these, you've pretty much seen them all.  Change of subject matter please!!!!

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Last house on the left - Lisa's Review

*** SPOILERS ***

So, a controversial one this week and one I have known about and have never watched as I had been told how difficult a watch it was and how it was probably one best avoided by women.

Well, I have to say I'm not altogether in agreement with that statement.  Yes, it is nasty and parts are horrible but again, like 'Spit on your grave' I felt the repugnant acts were properly and well portrayed in this movie.

The story is basically a young, virginal girl goes out partying with a more 'experienced' if you will friend and they end up being held against their will by a dangerous gang who are passing through the area, while they attempt to buy some cannabis from them.

What follows is the horrible torture, degradation, humiliation and rape of both girls and their eventual deaths.  The portrayal of their experience is horrific, realistic, definately not played for kicks and really hits home the repugnant nature of the gangs boss and his female accomplice especially.  After the death of one girl, the woman in the gang delights in pulling her innards out for the simple pleasure of it.



The movie doesn't end with the girls' death, it leads on to the virginal girls parents finding out what has happened to their daughter when they happen to put the gang up for the night and see a necklace they bought for their daughter around the bosses sons (a rather naive and mentally slow individual) neck.

This is where the movie fell apart for me. I thought the first half of the movie was well executed and quite eerie how it switched between the frivolity of the girls parents preparing for her party to horrible scenes in the forest of what their daughter is going through.  However from the stage the parents find out about their daughters death (and they didn't look sufficiently upset by it for my liking either) it lost its edge for me.

They plan to take revenge on the gang and indeed they do, one at a time, but for me the revenge was too fast, not horrific enough and just not fitting.  There didn't seem to be enough emotion in what they were doing.  Then again I thought it was mighty odd at the beginning of the movie when the father proclaimed how he could see his daughters nipples through her shirt.... maybe they just act differently to normal people... who knows.

In conclusion, I thought the film 'could' have been much better if the ending was longer and better thought out.  If it felt (to use one of Wills terms from another review) more satisfying.  These didn't feel satisfying to me as the viewer.

I would say its definately worth a watch and definately is nasty, but lets itself down by losing its nastiness where it most needed it.

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I Spit on Your Grave - Will's Review

This is one on the more famous Video nasties, so you probably already know the plot, if you don't allow me to fill you in using only information found on the films posters.

Its origional title was "The Rape and Revenge of Jennifer Hill" and the tagline is "This woman has just cut, chopped, broken, and burned five men beyond recognition…but no jury in American would ever convict her!"

Up to speed? Good.

***Spoilers (such as you can have for such a simple plot) follow****

First of all; The poster lies - Jenifer is attacked by (and takes her deadly revenge on) only 4 men.

After moving into a rented lakeside house for the summer to write her first full length novel, author Jenifer Hill orders a grocery delivery from the local store. They are delivered by a walking cartoon character (and  town simpleton) Mathew:

Mathew

So, what with him being a half-wit, and her being nice to him, he gets a crush on her, the fact she had a thin shirt on and no bra helped too...

Mathew immediately tells his only 3 friends, Johnny, Stanley and Andy (who Own the local fueling station, hang out at the local fueling station and hang around at the local fueling station, respectively) about the new girl.

One sunny day, when Jennifer is out sunbathing in a drifting rowboat in the lake, Stanley and Andy start harassing her from her speedboat and drag her to shore.

What follows is one of the most unpleasant hours of cinema I have ever seen.

It becomes quickly apparent that Johnny has orchestrated Jenifer's capture, so that Mathew can lose his virginity, she is stripped and held down, but when Mathew is reluctant, he is demoted to leg holding duty while Johnny rapes her.

The rape is, an I'm sure I won't find much opposition this time, horrific, we see most of it while the camera is trained on Jennifer's face, and I have to offer kudos to Camille Keaton at this point, who does look genuinely humiliated, terrified and pained.

That said, when she is allowed to go free, I found myself thinking "is that it" - not because here ordeal wasn't horrific, but because it wasn't as horrific by movie standards as I had expected.

Unfortunately , for the next half hour or so, we see her tracked recaptured, raped and beaten again and again - even once she reaches the "safty" of her rented home from home; Mathew is eventually coerced into taking his "turn" (although can't preform under the conditions) and things get so bad that she offers to give the last guy a hand job, just to avoid being raped again.

When they are quite finished, Mathew is sent back into the house, to kill her - which, again, he cannot bring himself to do, and so he lies.

You may have noticed that up until this point my review has been lacking its usual sarcastic edge, usually only absent when the movie was good; make no mistake, this movie was not "good" - it's just that the subject matter does not lend itself to snark. 

Rest assured that the following half hour of the movie is outright stupid, Jenifer's revenge involves (separately) seducing the members of the gang and killing them. 

When this works with Mathew (Who she actually sleeps with again - not sure I buy that) I can accept it; he's a retard; However I'm not entirely convinced that Johnny would be so easily fooled. I get that you have to be at least a bit lacking in the head department to think that raping someone is a good plan. however that same person came onto me, ran be a bath, got in it with me and started masturbating me, I'd like to think alarm bells would go off - I'd also like to think that when she (quite rightly) chopped my dick off, I'd notice before I saw the blood, not just think that the hand-job was "so good it hurts" . Further, one of the guys only dies because he after realizing that Jennifer is out for revenge, he literally grabs onto the outboard motor of a speedboat she is driving!!!

Another problem with the kills is the order of them. The castration of the leader should by rights have been the dramatic climax of the movie; both for the fact that he was the leader, and the obvious 'symbolism' (if you can call it that) of castrating a rapist  - instead he's the second kill, which then gives the feeling that the other 2 are more or less "clean up" and that the peak has passed.

All in all though, killing order and extreme stupidity aside, it's fairly competently made, and (With the exception of the characiture that is Mathew) reasonably acted, so if you think you might enjoy 20 mins of setup, 40 mins of a woman being raped and half an hour of stupid people dying in stupid ways, knock yourself out.

No really... do!

Body Count: 4

Boob Count: 1 pair

Animal Body Count: 0

Most memorable Death: Turns out an outboard motor isn't a great ladder...

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Exposé - Will's Review

Sorry for the late review, when I'm not doing this, I'm self employed, and I've been battling my accounts ready for the end of the month deadline...

Anyway, This weeks movie; Exposé is the only British movie on the DPP list, it's also the first one (at least alphabetically) to star horror mainstay Udo Kier (we'll be seeing him again in 'Flesh for Frankenstein') - indecently, Udo was offered the Japanese profits in exchange for his appearance, he instead insisted on an actual fee; almost inevitably, the film was a massive hit in Japan...

So, is it any good?

Meh!

There's nothing wrong with it as such (apart from the hideous tit's of 'sex symbol' Fiona Richmond) but it's not terribly exciting either, and the structure is slightly odd - It is made obvious early on that Udo's new secretary is stalking him (we see her masturbating to his picture, which she had before she met him) - something which feels like it aught to be a twist, and although the killer is (for the first kill at least) unseen, there is never any reason to suspect anyone other than the secretary / stalker.

The Movie's 'twist' revolves instead around WHY she is stalking him... but it doesn't really shock the way I think it was supposed to, and doesn't gel at all with the (frequent) masturbation.

The highlight for me had to be the fact that a rapist (Jacko, from 80's sitcom Brush Strokes) seemingly survives days in a cornfield with shotgun wounds to the face, without actually crawling away, and then continently dies immediately after doing the thing the scriptwriters kept him alive to do.

Not bad, but a bit dull, and with terrible stabbing effects (which are still more convincing than those tits - shudder)

Body Count: 5

Boob count: 2 pairs (if you count those god-awful falsies as 'boobs')

Animal Body Count: 0

Most Memorable death: Shower scene revisited (badly)

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The Boogeyman - Will's Review

RELATIVELY MINOR SPOILERS

John Carradine!!! An actual actor!

That's what when trough my head as the opening credits rolled.... unfortunately, it was a case of "lets book a 'name' for one day and film 3 scenes with him in an inconsequential roll, that way we can get his name on the poster without going over budget" a trick that rarely, if ever, indicates a great film...



The film opens with a couple of kids, Lacy and Willy, perving on their mum getting it on on the sofa with her latest boyfriend (who has one of her stockings placed over his head as part of their foreplay - whether this is because he is a foot fetishist, or she's a bank-robber fetishist is never explained), mum spots them and is complicit in (indeed, encouraging of) her partners selected punishment - the little girl is sent to bed scot free, while her brother is gagged and tied to his bed, while mum and her (still stocking faced) fella go of to finish what they started in the master bedroom.

The little girl decided to free her brother using the biggest fucking knife in the house, before her brother traets us to an 'Halloween' "homage" then stabs the abusive bastard who tied him up (sadly, he lets his mother get away with her part in events).

Instant 'Halloween': Just add eye-holes...

Years later, Lacy and Willy are all growed up, and live on their aunt and uncle's farm, along with Lacy's husband, Jack, and son, Kevin. Willy is mute, and both siblings seem to have issues with knives (which I get) and mirrors (because Lacy watched the murder in a mirror, and Willy.... was watched in a mirror... okay, so I don't know why Willy has mirror issues - but he does!).

Speaking of the farm, having used the above 'Halloween' POV shot, The film-makers obviously decided to cover their asses using the old adage "Steal from one and it's plagerism, steal from many and it's research", because this is the farmhouse:

The Boogymanville Horror.

Lacy and Willie get a letter from their mother requesting they visit, which never happens and is never mentioned again, and to make a long story short (and to break the pattern of  my reviews being little more than a cynical synopsis) Lacy's therapist (Carradine, badly underused as I mentioned) suggests that she goes to the house where she grew up - in order to form new memories of the house, which do not involve "that night".

Speaking of the shrink, the hypnosis session leads to another "better movie 'homage'" scene:

"Your mother sucks boogymen in hell!"

By the way - does anyone else think it odd that the slightly-perturbed sibling has a shrink, but the one who actually killed someone and hasn't spoken a word in the 20 years since is left to his own devices to collect knives?

Anyhoo, as luck would have it, the old house is up for sale, so Lacy and Jack go to see the place, where they encounter the (ahead of his time) brilliantly named "Timmy", who lives in the house with his 2 older siosters (and their parents, who are away). Why brilliantly named? well, this:

BOOGYTIMMEH!!!!

Thankfully, Timmy and his siblings are cannon fodder, and don't last long after our leads leave (although one of them is incredibly soft skulled, being killed my a tap on the noggin with a medicine cabinet door).

While they are there, Lacy visits her Mum's old bedroom (where Willy did in the asshat) and she is convinced she sees old stocking face in the mirror; this being a movie, she has no qualms whatsoever about picking up a chair in someone else's house and battering the mirror into pieces! Her husband pays for the damage, and takes the pieces of mirror home to glue back together (!) in an attempt to demonstrate to his wife that the mirror is safe (except for all of the sharp broken-glass edges, obviously) and jebus, is this guy good at puzzles?!

Willy admires his brother-in-law's mad jigsaw skillz.

All of which amounts to set-up as, finally, 45 minuets into the movie's 80 minuet run time, the haunted mirror and the traumatised duo are all where they need to be! Huzzah!

From here on in people get possessed, other people die, priests are called, a mirror fragment flies across the room and embed itself as a ghoulish monocle, and being stabbed in the back causes a certain character to bleed profusely... from the top of his head (!).

From a technical point of view, the film is reminiscent of John Carpenter; before you get too excited, I want to to remember that Carpenter is a very overrated film maker! There; I said it! yes, I know it's horror heresy, but lets remember that he didn't just bring us "Halloween", "Halloween II", "The Thing" and "In the mouth of Madness"; he also gave the world a dreadful segment "hair" from the movie "Body Bags", the gadawfull (and utterly unnecessary) "Village of the Damned" remake, the risible "Vampires" and the decidedly average "Prince of Darkness" (worth seeing mainly for the bit where Alice Cooper runs someone through with a bicycle), so when I say "reminiscent of John Carpenter", I mean "...but not on a good day".


All in all, it's not so bad, but it's not great either - I want to tell you that it's terrible and don't bother, but I think I'm just losing patience with these films, as I gave both Absurd and Anthropophagus a pass as forgiveable time-killers, and it's better than either of those!

Body Count: 8
Animal Body Count: 0
Boob Count: 1 pair
Most Memorable Death: French kiss kebab.

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Bloody Moon - Lisa's Review

*** CONTAINS SPOILERS ***

This movie is IMHO one of the biggest wastes of anyones time who puts it on. I'm a stickler for doing things when I say I'm going to and hey I want to be able to say I have seen all the movies on this list in their entirety but jesus christ! I wish I could have switched this one off before the end!

It reminds me that the 80's is well and truely the decade that taste forgot. Everything here is bloody awful! The hair, the clothes, the music.... well just everything.

We start this movie being introduced to Miguel, a young man at the centre of this movie with a facial disfigurement (which looks like a child had has fun with some play putty). He attends a masquerade ball, convenient that with his face an' all. I looked more like a tacky 80's pool part to me, but there you go....

He ends up having sex with a young lady who has no idea who he is... when she finds out, she is less than enamoured to continue. Not happy with this he stabs her to death with a pair of scissors. The blood is crap, the special effects are crap.

The movie continues by Miguel being institutionalised and then released into the care of his sister Manuela (who he is having an incestuous relationship with). They travel home on the train and Miguel sets eyes on Angela, who he quickly becomes obsessed with and follows everywhere.

We see a cringeworthy scene with Miguel and his sister almost getting it on, where she stops and says its wrong and she's his sister. Bit late for that now lovey! She utters the immortal line "If only we could get rid of everyone"... cue the motive for the rest of the movie. Simple really.

Manuela runs a language school with her grumpy arsed Aunt Maria Contessa which is conveniently full of nubile, young, pretty, perfect breasted females (there are also a few young arrogant men for good measure to patronise the woman who tried to convince everyone else about the murderer).

We have several shit death scenes with bad makeup. Firstly we lose old grumpy auntie (I think with a burning torch), A knife through the boob (well they were getting them out an awful lot, it was bound to happen) a garotting type pincher thingy, a circular saw (that was monumentally awful when the actress turned into a very bad mannequin).

Of course we're meant to blame all this carnage on poor old mental pervert Miguel, but in actual fact, Manuela and her real life boyfriend are to blame (oh quelle surprise!!) Unfortunately as they discuss their devilish plans, everything they have done and as she expresses her disgust for Miguels face, he overhears everything from the door.

Manuela then in her greed to inherit her aunts estate, turns on her stupid-arsed donkey-boy boyfriend, who did all the killings for her and tells him to sod off.

Miguel then runs upstairs where Angela (the only survivor) is resting and jumps on top of her expressing his love. She stabs him through the neck with what looks like a poker and that's that then!!! She dashes downstairs to see Manuela fighting with her boyfriend on the floor about who is getting what and hot foots it into a lounge where she see's auntie dearests burnt remains on a seat. Rather the shock when she's asking for help really....

As Manuela's boyfriend tries to kill Angela, Manuela rushes in and kills him with hedge trimmers!!! *yawn* but DU-DU-DUUUUUHHHH Miguel appears (complete with poker still through his neck - yup he's still alive!) and takes out his sister Manuela, by choking.....

Cue good guy turnng up with police to save Angela. Miguel dies on floor beside Manuela... THE END!! Complete pile of bollocks!!!

Too poor to score. I feel the worst one yet.

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Blood Feast - Lisa's Review

*** CONTAINS SPOILERS ***

There's not all that much that I can say about 'Blood Feast' other than it is total drivel.

I had a little read about the movie when I watched it, as I usually do and it seems the writer didn't actually mean it to be taken seriously and even acknowledges himself its crap, which is just as well really. He was quoted as saying "It's no good, but it was the first of its type". In fact the early year of this movie (1963) is probably its only redeeming feature, in that it will interest true horror / gore fans to see one of the original 'Nasties'.

This movie is set around the idea that a very weird and aptly named Mr Ramses, who runs his own catering business and seems to have an Egyptian obsession, sacrifices female (as always) victims to a female eygptian god and put various parts in his dishes... lovely!

Mr Ramses is a very odd character coming across as a mix of pervert, asylum escapee and ideal 'Just for men' model. The white powder (or whatever it is on his head) that they applied to make his obvious dark hair appear greying just irritated me the whole way through. It looked like someone had taken to it with copious amounts of dry shampoo and hadn't got around to getting rid of it. I wanted to take to it with a bloody big brush...

Sooo back to the movie. The first murder set the standard as to what we could expect. A hacking by way of a very big knife (or was it a machete Will?) in the bath and the cutting off of a couple of limbs. Firstly there was absolutely no blood spatter (sorry Dexter) whilst all this hacking was going on and secondly after the dismemberment there was no blood in the water in the bath!! Just a little trickle down the outside. Hmmmmm. Blood Feast? I think not!

What is amusing however is in a later scene, a newspaper is turned akwardly towards the camera by 2 different readers with the emblazoned 'Legs Cut Off' headline - You don't say! Journalism in those days was obviously not much better than it is today then, lol.

Again my soundtrack fixation rears its ugly head. This probably has the worst soundtrack of all the movies so far. A mundane constant double drum beat interspersed with the beloved bontempi organ. What it also had however was instruments which it seemed were deliberately played out of tune (A dying tumpet which turned into a police siren and a very badly played violin being 2 I could mention).

Amongst the various bad killings we cut to a bland, bare, very echoey police station and 2 very typical police investigators who surely must have struggled to take their script seriously. The set never moves and every time we cut to them, we see exactly the same scene with them sat in exactly the same place basically going over everything thats happened, just in case the viewer didn't quite understand. Nothing left for you to work out here.. I do think these guys were put in for the comedy element though and if so, it did work ok in places. I found the obvious pretense of writing of 'Wild Eyes' on a notepad when recording the description of the murderer from a dying victim amusing at least.

The second killing was just as banal as the first and was on a beach were a young couple were having a moment. Obviously only the woman dies (again very poor) and the acting which follows when the police show up from her bereft boyfriend Tony is well worth a raspberry award. A scene which warrants a mention for amusement is a random snake which shows up on the beach for dramatic effect lying beside the remains of the victims head (poor poor makeup - dont get excited)... being dragged off camera. Made me chuckle! This scene also gives us a very bad church organ being played and the trumpet running out of batteries and turning into a police siren.

I won't really go into any further detail about the movie as it doesn't get any better. Some points I will quickly jot down though....

Having your tongue pulled out means you die with your eyes crossed. Apparently this is the first movie which showed deaths with open eyes.

About 10 whips is suficient to kill you... best be careful there then!

Don't pick the back of a bin lorry as your hiding place - you can guess what happened here and even though this is a 'nasty' nothing was shown during or even after this death.

Scooby Do may well have got their famous 'summing up' from this movie judging by our policeman at the end helpfully summing it all up for us lest we didn't understand.

In all, don't waste your time unless like us you just want to say you've seen them all. Gore was rubbish, acting was atrocious, bad guy was laughable, deaths were a wee bit funny, soundtrack made me want to watch the whole thing on mute.

Gore: 2/10

Acting:2/10

Overall Score: 2/10

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