Women Behind Bars - Will's Review.

Three guys steal a case of diamonds from a boat, one of the thieves double-crosses (and shoots) the other two, then takes the box home, where it turns out to be empty; his girlfriend then shoots him and goes to Jail, where the inmates may sleep with the warden in exchange for perks.

Someone working for "The International Insurance Company" (yes, that the actual name of the company in the movie) tracks her explains through jail hoping to find out where the jewels are; the warden also suspects that she knows.

Bare boobs, Genital torture and embarrassingly bad lesbian sex ensue.

There is literally no reason to see this movie.

If you want to watch a heist movie with a twist ending, go see Oceans Eleven.

If you want to see a movie that deserved to be banned, check out any of these.

If you want to see boobs, or lesbian sex, there's plenty of actual porn that show you more or better.

If you want to see boobs, or lesbian sex, but pretend that you aren't watching porn, there are plenty of mainstream movies with better examples of both.

If you want to see a prison sexploitation movie, just about any of the others we've reviewed so far should float that particular boat better than this one.

There isn't even an enforced shower scene or any rape; these are not things that I personally look for in a movie... in fact I think most movies are better for NOT featuring them, but this is a "Women in Prison" movie, and if you choose to watch one of those you're probably looking for at last some rape!!! (or else just watching all 72 Video Nasties, presumably because you hate yourself).

Even the movies strange trips into the land of prose (The narrator tells us that "The Warden lives an a comfortable mansion, separated from the main complex by a long and gloomy tunnel") cant make this bad enough (or at least bad in the right way) to be interesting!

Body Count: 6
Boob Count: 4 pairs
Most Memorable Death: Strangled in bed (sleeping - how dull)

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Nightmare Maker - Will's Review

I watched this on a couple of days before penning the review, which I now realise was a mistake as it's a fairly forgettable movie, so we'll have to wait and see what comes back to me as I write.

Obviously, it's not Devil Hunter forgettable; I did at least manage to remember the beginning of the movie all the way to the end, just kind of generic and... Meh.


The thing is, in the beginning it felt like it might be fairly interesting: a young couple leave their baby with its aunt while they go on a trip, but die shortly after heading out, when their brakes fail. Cut forwards 15 years and baby Billy (now a young man on the brink of graduation) lives with the aunt, who's more than a little creepy:

Erm... That's your NEPHEW you freak!

Her creepiness goes into overdrive when Billy announces that he's about to win a basketball scholarship to an out if state college; to prove how needed her nephew is, she attempts to seduce the plumber in an effort to frame him for rape, but when he refuses her advances, she looses her rag and stabs him to death - just on time for Billy to come home and witness it.

She ticks to the rape story, claiming that she killed him in self defence, however the police are skeptical as a) there isn't a mark on her and b) the plumber is gay.

To make matters worse, the plumber was in a relationship with the (thus far closeted) gym teacher.

To round of a 'prefect' investigation, the officer in charge is massively homophobic, and instantly decides that Billy was having an affair with the gym teacher, and killed the plumber in a screaming queenly hissy-fit, and that his Aunt is covering.

From here though, it starts to flounder a bit; mainly because the aunt isn't the right type of crazy - you see, if the aunt had developed a taste for murder and went on a spree at this point; inadvertently causing more and more suspicion to fall on her Nephew; that may have made for a decent movie. Alas, not a lot happens in the films middle third. The coach gets shit for being gay, the aunt tries a few things to further sabotage her nephews chances of getting the scholarship, the policeman goes around using the word 'faggot' a lot.

Then things get out of hand, there are a couple more kills, a twist that really doesn't make any sense when you think about it, and the film abruptly ends, pausing before the credits roll to give us a true-story style 'what happened to the characters' text crawl.

Not an utterly terrible movie, but a very VERY dull one.

Body Count: 8
Boob Count: 1 Pair
Most Memorable Death:

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I Miss You, Hugs and Kisses - Will's Review

Before considering watching this film, I want you to read the first part of this review. There are spoilers later in this review, as always but there's some highlight to read text coming up that, although it may be considered a spoiler, I really think you should know before agreeing to committing and hour and a half of your life.

Ready? okay, highlight this [ This is a whodunit where YOU NEVER FIND OUT WHO DID IT!!!].

Yeah, Really!

*****More spoilers to follow*****
 I commented way back in Week 5 that blood is, as we are so often told, thicker than water, and as such one cannot get away with using red water as blood; no such problems here - the opening kill seems to work on the idea that blood is thicker than custard - a pipe to the head seems to result in red emulation paint pouring from under the victim's hairline!

Seven whole minutes into the movie, a text crawls informs us that the movie we are "about to see"(!) is based on a true story - then has the lamest disclaimer you've ever seen (To paraphrase "except in so far as it isn't") - see the end of the review for this text's reprise.

The biggest problem here, besides it's utter dullnes and lack of resolution, is the way the film jumps all over the place - It starts with a murder, then jumps to the trial of the (supposed) killer - the victims husband, then it's flashbacks based on testimony (including the cardinal sin of flashbacks - flashbacks to things that the person speaking wasn't present for) so next we're in wartime Hungary, then a party where the guy's wife is still alive, then they meet, then the marriage is on the rocks - all without warning.

Come to think of it, even the trail itself is jumbled - the first trail scene has the judge asking if the prisoner has anything to say before sentence is passed, but later in the film we here from witnesses - an the jury presenting their decision near the end of the film is played as a point of drama, despite the fact that we already know he will be sentenced. What. A. Mess.

The only point in the movie during which I was remotely entertained is presented here, to save you the effort of watching the rest of the "movie" (bear in mind that these guys are best friends):

Well... This is awkward...

There's a go-nowhere subplot about a murderer who escapes a home for the criminally insane - we see him kill (THEN rape - eew) a girl we have never seen before, and then he's actually called to our guy's trail based on the fact that the location of the murder - in the victims own home - was a bit close to the site of his murders.

The police investigation is carried out so badly that ANY lawyer ,including Lionel Hutz or Ted Buckland, could have got it thrown out of court! The police promise key suspects immunity to wear a wire, strip the body naked at the scene before (glovelessly) cramming them into an evidence bag, and pull out the victims fingernails (!) and bag them without a pathologist present. Oh, and the entire justice system fails to notice that the husband is out shopping with his daughter and the victims cousin at the time of the murder!

I suspect that this movie was originally a lot more chronological, but they realized it was dull and (mistakenly) thought that shuffling it would make it more interesting.

Fun Fact: The movie Men In Black originally had an extra sub plot, which didn't test well and was removed in post production, obviously one cannot simply cut a subplot and have everything else just work out, so re-shoots are usually needed - in the case of MiB this was avoided by re-dubbing a talking dog, and changing some subtitles and the display of a large viewscreen. Why do I mention this here? I suspect that a similar clever bit of editing may have happened in this movie.

See if you can spot the oh-so-smooth dialogue removal in the following scene:

Seamless, ain't it?

All in all the whole thing is a shambles which, despite having far too many sub-plots and suspects, manages to be confusig, dull and frustrating in roughly equal measures.

Oh, and in-case we missed the bizarre information / disclaimer crawl at the (kind of) begging of the film, the text is repeated again after the credits:

It's fiction... apart from the bits which are true... which may also be fiction...

Body Count: 5 (2 'real' plus 3 in dream sequences)
Boob Count: 2 pairs
Animal Body Count: Countless chickens in slaughterhouse footage.
Most memorable death: Paint-headed pinata woman.

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I Miss You, Hugs & Kisses - Lisa's Review

*** SPOILERS ***

This weeks movie seemed to be keeping with the trend of sedative viewing.

I found this one hard viewing.  It was so dull and I was so uninterested in it, getting to the end was a struggle.  I still feel I probably missed half of it through mind drifting.  It is a supposed true story, but how much of this has been kept close to the actual story is anyones guess.


The movie starts with a murder of a supposedly beautiful (I say supposed as I didn't think she was) model Magdalene.  All fingers are pointing at her husband, Charles.  The movie plays out as a court room drama with flashbacks to events leading up to the murder.  As it does, it introduces possible killer after killer and uncovers new motives.

As with last weeks movie, this one had an appearance of being made for TV.  There were a few scenes which would have raised a few eyebrows from the usual viewers of this kind of dross (and they were the reasons it made the DPP list) but asides from that, I can see this alongside Columbo or Murder she Wrote on a Sunday afternoon.

What else can I say about this movie without boring you even more than I was with regards to the plot... scenes in the movie that probably led to it being placed on the nasties list??

A Chicken Slaughterhouse (all been seen before so not surprising)
Head Bludgeoning (we see the victim being bludgeoned by every suspect leaving lots of unanswered questions for the viewer... if indeed they care)
A Stabbing followed by a suggestion of necrophilia (performed off screen - This was a bit disturbing as it seemed so out of place in the movie, something genuinely nasty)
A disgruntled husbands fantasies about killing his wife (this was more humorous than anything else)


This movie is all over the place in the court room.  We keep getting more and more information and just when you think you know 'who did it', we are presented with another would-be killer.  Thing is... I didn't care who did it.  Was it the husband Charles?  After all Magdalene won't sleep with him and he is in love with another woman.  He also talks at length with his best friend Gershen (I kept seeing Bobby Ewing when I looked at him!) about ways to kill his wife.  Was it Gershen, his confidant who was actually having an affair with the victim? (naughty boy!) Was it the escaped serial killer with the penchant for sex with corpses?  (On a side note, this character seemed to have no place in the movie.  I could see a movie about him working though.) Even cops are fingered as possible murderers.

After everything has played out in the court, the jury find Charles guilty.  They are then asked to stand up as their numbers are called 1 at a time, if they agreed with the verdict... was this ever the case in reality? (Will?)

We end the movie with Charles writing a letter to Paulie (not sure if that was his daughter or the woman he was having the affair with... I think it was the daughter).  He has been in prison for a couple of years and is appealing his conviction.  The things he seems most perturbed about are the fact he's had to have his head shaved and the food is crap (so much so its brought him out in boils, lol).

Rather dull ending to a very dull movie.  Not quite as bad as last week, it has to be said, but still... not something I'll ever watch again.

I wouldn't bother with this one folks.  Nothing particularly nasty or rivetting here.

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Human Experiments - Will's Review

With a title like that I expected this to either be, or attempt to be, incredibly nasty, Perhaps detailing atrocities similar to those committed at Unit 731, or at very least something akin to the Nasty Nazi movies we have seen so far.

And yet, once again, I am made to fondly look back on trash like The Beast In Heat as "the good old days"...

Our Heroin is accused of a mass-murder she didn't commit (and which a simple print-dusting and ballistics analysis would have cleared her of - she never touched the gun that was used in the killings) and sent to the world most lax prison.

We never see her trail, but she arrives at prison in a red dress, heeled shoes and a necklace - clothes clearly unsuitable for court or prisoner transport.

Once she arrives, her and the other new arrivals are showered and given their prison uniforms (fetching blue numbers). What follows is mostly like a very, very, dull version of Prisoner: Cell Block H, except with a secret lab in the basement.

And that's where things should get interesting...but don't.

The only "Human Experiment" on display, is one where women are reduced to a child-like state (we don't see how) in order that they can be 'raised' properly, thus re-rehabilitation. as best i can tell, the extent of this 'raising' is asking them to locate a cut-out of Mickey Mouse's head, among an assortment of geometric shapes, and occasionally being presented with a 'grown up' meal, to see how well they eat their mashed potatoes.

There are only 14 minuets left of the film before our heroin gets involved in (or even learns of) the experiments, and before that point we only see them twice; the rest of the film is literally nothing more than women doing prison stuff - Tending the garden, playing arcade games in the rec room for boxes of sweets (no cigarettes, although some of them do smoke), taking roll call... dull!

And either I blinked and missed him, or we didn't even get the strange dwarf dude promised on one of the video covers I found online:

Sadly, This appears to be a different movie.

Body Count: 4

Boob Count: 4

Animal Body Count: countless insect specimens are on display, and a few bugs probably get squished, but not close-up enough to confirm.

Most Memorable Death: Just Hangin' in her cell...

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Frozen Scream - Wills Review

Back in week 27, I commented that Devil Hunter was "so dull that [I] had forgotten most of it before it finished".

This week, I found myself looking back on the excitement that was Devil Hunter. With that in mind, this is going to be short...

The plot seemed to be about 2 groups of scientists who were both after the same eternal life formula, and a woman who had somthing to do with it had her ex, a PI investigate... something.

The "acting" was woefully incompetent  from the entire cast, and the direction flat. Also the voice-over (never a great device at the best of times) would frequently cut in over other conversations.

Avoid.

Body Count: 9
Boob Count: 1 (and i think it was an accident)
Most Memorable Death:My enthusiasm...

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Forrest of Fear - Will's Review

Forrest of Fear

The plot outline I read for this while preparing the stats page was as follows:

“Zombies are created from hippies smoking weed that has been contaminated by pesticide. They then go on a flesh hunt.”

- From the usually excellent “Melon Farmers” Censorship watch page

That was a movie I wanted to see! Unfortunately, the real plot was

“Not-quite-zombies are created from not-really-hippies harvesting weed when they get hit by herbicide intended to kill the crop. They then shamble around killing the odd person, but only occasionally eating flesh.”

Which just isn’t as much fun! Zombie-hippies is hilarious, Killer-amateur-farmers? Not so much!

My first clue that these were not “hippies” (Although they are referred to as such once in the movie) was when they killed the 2 feds who wwre looking for them and their crop. What the hell kind of hippies shoot feds? That said, what the hell kind of feds wear blue jeans and flannel shirts!?

As you may have gathered from the above mentioned feds ‘uniforms’, low-rent isn’t the word, and lazy plotting shortly follows as another FBI agent elects to cut through the need for red-tape and approval, by paying a drunken crop duster to blanket the area with some experimental herbicide that is, for reasons we are not privy to, in a shed that the FBI agent has access to. No mention of the fact that this could kill off the entire forest is made, but he does decide that it doesn’t matter if it kills the “hippies”…

So a bunch of the dope-growers get dusted with white powder from the plain (the pilot somehow gets himself covered too) .

They then get sick and eventually start, as I said, shambling around killing the odd person, but only occasionally eating flesh.

I always think it’s a shame when a zombie movie fails to provide any enjoyment; its one of the few sub-genres where a semi-competent director can usually scrape together a film that, if not good, is at least entertaining, regardless of shonky acting, naff script and bad mak-up. Unfortunately, even against these odds, this movie managed to be dull as dishwater almost throughout.

Sadly, after a few weeks of watchable movies, this week was a return to dross.

Body Count: 21

Boob Count: 1 pair (just 2 mins in, as though to get them out of the way)

Animal Body Count: 0

Most Memorable Death: ???

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Delirium - Will's Review

Well, after 5 weeks away from the DPP list, we're back on the Nasties and what a film to come back to; as though trying to make up for lost time, Delirium is like 2 crap movies for the price of one! I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that this movie started off as 2 scripts (or at the very least, 2 ideas for scripts) that were given a little connecting dialogue in order to combine them to movie length.

Movie one is a slasher about a Nam Vet who goes on a woman-killing spree. Movie 2 is about a business man who is caught up in an underground organisation that tracks down killers and rapists who have escaped justice, and delivers what the court system could not. Both are under written, and neither are any good.

The glue that hold these 2 plots vaguly together is the worlds most casual police investigation, and the fact that Charlie (the slasher from movie one) is an ex-army buddy of the vigilantly group's chairman, and that the group recently hired him to take out a bad guy (before he flipped and started killing random women).

This 3rd (half) plot contributes to the movie's only redeeming feature; a little (and I do mean little) unintentional comedy. At one point, our 2 cops happily carry on their casual (and somewhat callous) crime-scene chit-chat while the victims body is still pinned to the wall, and her flat mate is sat right behind them on the sofa crying!

The worlds laziest police investigation, consists mostly of asking a civilian (the aforementioned crying room mate) to "keep an eye on" her boss, who the police believe to be involved in the spate of murders (he is in fact, part of the vigilant group).

The rest of the movies (still unintentional) humour comes from the use of it's main theme, a piece of music called "Approaching Menace", you probably didn't know the piece's title, but I'll bet you know the tune...

My specialist subject is "Cluteral differences in musical references, 

and their effect on bad movies of the 1970s" 

So it's bad, but only very occasionally and enough to be entertaining, and the gore / nudity / sex / anything else that might make it watchable or help me understand its time on the DPP list is virtually absent.

Put it this way; how bad does a movie have to be to have been banned, but STILL remain obscure enough to not get a Wikipedia entry?!?





Body Count: 18 (mostly in Vietnam Flashbacks)
Animal Body Count: 0
Boob Count: 3
Most Memorable Death: Pitch fork off!

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SHOCKTOBER SPECIAL: Shogun Assassin - Will's Review

NOTE: In honour of Halloween, We're taking a break from the DPP list.

This weeks movie was selected because (although it never made the list) it was often seized by the police during DPP raids, and is often mistakenly listed as a "Video Nasty".

*Spoilers - But probably not that many*

This has, without question, the highest body count of ANY of the movies we've watched so far for this; in fact, other than war or disaster movies, I can only think of Peter Jackson's 'Braindead' that might have more.

70 on screen kills.

On a movie that (without end credits) is only 78 minutes long!

That's almost one kill every 66 seconds!

How then, does in manage to be so very dull...

Well, in a way, the high body count IS to blaim. It's so high, and Lone Wolf's (the titular assassin) slaying of his enemies so swift, that the 'fight' scenes are generally over in one or two swipes of his katana, leaving the action scenes severally lacking.

The poor action(less) scenes are particularly problematic when you consider that, beyond the perfunctory intro narrated in annoying child-actor voice, the film has virtually no plot.

Lone wolf used to work as a killer for the Shogun, he was too good at his job, and the Shogun sent ninja (plural) to kill him - they killed his wife by mistake. he is now on the run (child in tow) with various ninja (again, plural) continually being sent to finish  the job... and continually failing.

At one point, a ninja sneaks in the night, steals the kid, then uses the kid as bait, rather than just killing Lone Wolf in his sleep; what's the deal with that? I guess that killing a man in his bed isn't honourable, but I don't see the honour in kidnapping a toddler...

Aside from  that, a bit on a boat, and a bizarre looks-like-it's-going-to-be-a-rape-scene-but-isn't, the film can be summed up in BASIC as follows

10 Lone Wolf pushes baby cart
20 Lone Wolf is attacked, and quickly dispatches attackers
30 Goto 10

oh, and there's occasional duologue, which is usually poor:

Structurally, it's very odd indeed. For the first half of the film, Lone Wolf is more or less aimless - Wondering around the countryside, randomly being attacked, Then he his hired to tale out an evil Lord (who just happens to be the Shoguns brother, and the "battle" between himself and the Lord's body-guards ("The Masters of Death" - easily the coolest characters in the movie), and subsequently, the Lord himself, form the movies "Climax". "Battle" and "Climax" are both in "sarcasm quotes", because they, despite the build up, are dispatched as quickly and easily as any random ninja from any part of the film! The weird structure most likely comes from the fact that Shogun Assassin, is actually a US re-edit and dub of the first two Lone Wolf and Cub movies, however this doesn't explain the lack of climax; if anything there should be two "big" fights in the movie (one for the end of each of the original films), instead the film just kind of... stops.

There's also and a bit where a woman is going to kill Lone Wolf, but doesn't because his kid plays with her tits....

Body Count: 70 (yes, 70)
Boob Count: 2
Animal Body Count: 0
Most Memorable Death: Lady Ninja make the best man-sushi!

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