The Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue - Will's Review

If you've ever wished that zombie movies would give a better explanation as to WHY the dead have risen, you should check out this week's movie; there's a good chance it'll change your mind.

What we have here, is an average, run of the mill zombie movie; neither bad enough to offend the senses, nor good enough to get excited about. In fact, the only things that stood out to me we're the asshattedness of the male lead, and the 'science' of the zombies.



Actually, since I come to mention him, the male lead is arrogant, pushy, sexist, loud, and may or may not be involved in a dodgy antique deal; but he's not the 'evil human' character that's a popular trope in zombie movies - he's not the type to trip you up to save himself from the zombies, in-fact he does help a couple of people out. In a way, he's a perfect allegory for the movie as a whole, being neither likeable enough to get behind, nor loathsome enough that you wish the zombies would finish him off.

And so, to the 'science':

It seems that DEFRA are testing a new form of pest control; they are using 'Ultrasonic Radiation' (so 'sound' then) to interfere with the nervous systems of insects to make them attack each other. Unfortunately, it also makes the babies in a local maternity ward aggressive, and raises the dead. You see, we are told, babies have undeveloped nervous systems, which are therefore simple enough to be affected by the sound and (our hero hypotheses) the nervous systems of the dead live on for a short time, like how when you pic a flower it doesn't instantly die, and these slow nervous systems are also susceptible to the anger inducing noise...

Okkkkkaaayy.

Problem 1: even if the system works as advertised, all you are doing is setting up conditions to build super insects in a few generations time.

Problem 2. If it creates murderous babies (which, by the way, would have made a more interesting focus for the film) I presume it would affect other mammals, birds and so forth.

Problem 3. If the nervous systems of the dead ARE already running, it certainly isn't enough to make them move around, so pissing them of with magic sound rays would turn the inanimate benevolent corpses in to inanimate angry corpses. Which I think we can agree isn't much different in real terms, and certainly doesn't pose much of a threat.

Problem 4. None of this would explain how zombies could create other zombies by anointing corpses' eyelids with the blood of the living. Which (i shit you not) they can.

In future, I recommend that all zombie movies which feel the need to use fake science NOT use dead people (i.e.. 28 Days Later's 'rage virus') or else stick to the time honored babble like magic, voodoo, the wrath of god, passing comets, or a plain old ' fucked if we know'.

Body Count: 12
Boob Count: 1 pair
Animal body count: Some stock-footage of fighting ants, maybe 3 on screen deaths?
Most Memorable Kill: Clubbing with the good doctor,

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Exposé - Will's Review

Sorry for the late review, when I'm not doing this, I'm self employed, and I've been battling my accounts ready for the end of the month deadline...

Anyway, This weeks movie; Exposé is the only British movie on the DPP list, it's also the first one (at least alphabetically) to star horror mainstay Udo Kier (we'll be seeing him again in 'Flesh for Frankenstein') - indecently, Udo was offered the Japanese profits in exchange for his appearance, he instead insisted on an actual fee; almost inevitably, the film was a massive hit in Japan...

So, is it any good?

Meh!

There's nothing wrong with it as such (apart from the hideous tit's of 'sex symbol' Fiona Richmond) but it's not terribly exciting either, and the structure is slightly odd - It is made obvious early on that Udo's new secretary is stalking him (we see her masturbating to his picture, which she had before she met him) - something which feels like it aught to be a twist, and although the killer is (for the first kill at least) unseen, there is never any reason to suspect anyone other than the secretary / stalker.

The Movie's 'twist' revolves instead around WHY she is stalking him... but it doesn't really shock the way I think it was supposed to, and doesn't gel at all with the (frequent) masturbation.

The highlight for me had to be the fact that a rapist (Jacko, from 80's sitcom Brush Strokes) seemingly survives days in a cornfield with shotgun wounds to the face, without actually crawling away, and then continently dies immediately after doing the thing the scriptwriters kept him alive to do.

Not bad, but a bit dull, and with terrible stabbing effects (which are still more convincing than those tits - shudder)

Body Count: 5

Boob count: 2 pairs (if you count those god-awful falsies as 'boobs')

Animal Body Count: 0

Most Memorable death: Shower scene revisited (badly)

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SHOCKTOBER SPECIAL: Xtro - Will's Review

NOTE: In honour of Halloween, We're taking a break from the DPP list.

This weeks movie was selected because (although it never made the list) it was often seized by the police during DPP raids, and is often mistakenly listed as a "Video Nasty".

When Sam is abducted by aliens In a flash of light, the only witness is his young son, Tony. Needless to say, no one believes Tony, and it is assumed that Sam has run out on his wife and kid.

3 years later (apparently - Tony doesn't seem to have aged in that time) Sam comes back, a new man... 

It's that time of year, and I've been running my annual side project Shocktoberfest, where I kick back and (try to) enjoy the movies without making notes. I've found that, no only do I have more fun, but the reviews come easier (truth be told, my "notes" read more like a synopsis, which seems to cloud the way I talk about, and judge, the films) so (apart from keeping my tally) I've flown note-free on this too...

This could have been a very cool film if they'd kept us in the dark for a while; had same come back, seeming himself but doing occasional wierd shit, like eating his son's snakes eggs, but not really telling us is Sam really was kidnapped, or just mad...

From the family's point of view (Tony, mum and mums new fella') this is pretty much what happens, unfortunately viewers know all along, as we see an alien creature (Cheap looking, but still kind of awesome) land, kill a couple of folks and do something strange to a woman's face before melting into a puddle of extra-terrestrial snot, before Sam returns by (spoiler, highlight to see) being born, whole, adult and rather graphicly, from the uturus of the woman who got face raped !!! 

So Sam informs Tony that he was taken to another world, where he was "changed" so that he could survive there, and that he's come back for his boy. He passes on his changes (including some bonkers mind-over matter skills - more on that later) to his lad via what looks like a lovebite - squik!

From the 'not-really-a-mystery' portion of events, we progress to the 'mad-as-pants' part of the movie, as  Tony transforms 2 of his toys into a life-size killer action man, and a midget clown with a lethal yo-yo, before turning the nanny into an egg machine, and having the midget fill the refrigerator with grey porridge in which to incubate said eggs.

Tony's Mum, unaware that her house is fast becoming a messed-up drugs vision, but fully aware that her husband is back after 3 years, staying with her and her fiancée, claiming to have possibly been abducted by aliens and now claiming amnesia (which, by the way, she is totally unfazed by), has elected to take Sam back to thier holiday cottage (where the abduction took place) to help him get his memories back.

A flame is rekindled and (mid coitus) we enter what I call in my head the 'Brindle Fly' segment, as Sam begins to slowly turn back into his alien form - one puss filled welt at a time!

Despite the insanity, the ending is so wonderfully bleak, that you have to give this movie a bit of a pass - it's nothing if not entertaining, even if it does suffer a bit from madness.

Apparently there are 2 sequels, which I may check out some time around the end of 2012, when this protect is over (or possibly for this or next Shocktoberfest... who knows!)

Body Count: 7
Boob Count: 2 pairs
Animal Body Count: 1.5 (one and an egg)
Most memorable Death: What a Big Baby!

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