Women Behind Bars - Lisa's Review

Not a lot to say this week.  We've been here before, both with the subject matter  (you only need to look at the title really) and the director.  If you have any desire to watch a prison sexploitation movie, this has been done much better elsewhere.

Here we start the movie with a robbery of some diamonds by 3 masked men.  One of the robbers, dispatches with the other 2, keeping the haul for himself.  Sadly his girlfriend Shirley meanwhile learns he has been unfaithful and kills him in a fit of jealousy.  She contacts the police and confesses.

So here we are in prison.  What follows is an excuse for as much nudity as possible of (for the most part) quite unattractive female bodies.  So we all have cellulite, but doesn't mean I want to see oodles of it onscreen.  Also whats's with the vast amounts of hair these women have?? Haven't you ever heard of a Bic? So we have nudity, lesbian scenes (I still haven't worked out what they were doing), camera angles where no camera should be, lingering shots of genitals, up bums, nipples... you get the picture.  There is also some torturing by means of whipping, beating and electrodes being attached to aforementioned over-insulated private parts.... perfect excuse for much jiggling of bosoms when shocks are applied... Hmmmmm.

There isn't much more I can say really.  There is a plot which runs underneath the excuse to show lots of nudity.  The warden and a private investigator from an insurance company who have had to foot the bill for the missing diamonds, believe Shirley knows where the diamonds are which have mysteriously gone missing.  They are shown questioning her on a few occasions.
We end with Shirley getting the better of the randy warden (but not before we were 'treated' to some more nudity when she gets jiggy with him) and demanding he walk her outside where she escapes.

What follows are 3 bizarre twists which start being a bit far fetched and end up with the ridiculous.  I won't give them away in case any reader (hello???) wants to actually watch this movie and I spoilt it (yea riiiiight).

This was a big fat waste of time as far as I'm concerned, so I place an 'avoid' on this movie.

On a plus point, next week - ZOMBIES!!!!

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The Toolbox Murders - Will's Review

Maybe I was just in the right frame of mind, maybe I'd hate it on a re-watch, but I'm going to come right out and say it; I loved the hell out of this movie.

For that reason, I'm going to tell you why you should see it, then hang around after the jump, wielding spoilers and waiting for you to join me and shoot shit about a fun little movie.

The first 20 mins or so deliver everything you'd expect from a movie with this title and this poster - within the first 15 mins you'll have seen (or not seen - sadly most of the good stuff happens off screen) 4 women and girls, in various states of undress, killed by a dude with a toolbox (polite too, he lets one girl finish masturbating before he announces his presence; just because you're about to murder a sinner is no excuse to ruin their evening!)

Fun ride though that is, it could quickly have got dull. Thankfully, a girl is kidnapped, rather than killed, the police turn up and briefly, we have a whodunit.

This also could have got pretty dull, pretty fast; especially as it's quite obvious who did 'dunnit' - the murders are all in an apartment building, and the first victim explicitly says that she was expecting the (unseen by us) killer to come, as she had called him days ago to come fix a tap!

Fear not though; the film-makers have got you covered; confirming our suspicion quickly and becoming a 'captured girl and psychotic captor' price.

Brilliant!

Now go away and watch it, then come back here.

SPOILERS FOLLOW:

Okay, so it would have been nice to SEE some of the gore, and a couple of permanences could have been better, script wise though; I'd change 2 things:

The farcical police investigation: a little more investigating and a little less trying to hook-up with the missing girls mum would have been a good start, and I don't think the real police encourage teenagers to solve murders and kidnappings themselves.

The ending... in fact screw it; I'm going to go fan-edit that, right now:...

Okay, for those who haven't seen the movie, but have decided to read this review anyway, you need to know that the young man is the nephew of the killer / kidnapper; he had (unbeknownst to the hostage) killed her brother (to protect his uncle; her brother had figured everything out by now) and then his uncle.

Then (in my head) this happens:

There!

Yes it's bleak, but in my head, that where the movie ended; this isn't HappilyEverAfterAWeek.co.uk you know! I also got rid of the "true story" blurb - I don't buy that for one second! "Based on a true story" in a horror movie means "Something bad once happened", and little else. (the real ending is after the review for anyone who wants to see it)

We have a remake of this one to watch this coming Shocktober, but from what I understand all that's been kept is the apartment complex, the title and the toolbox, which is a shame, as an update of THIS film could kick ass!

Body Count: 7 (6 in the version in my head)
Boob Count: 2 pairs
Most Memorable Death: he nailed her good!

Original ending:

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The Toolbox Murders - Lisa's Review

*** BIG FAT SPOILERS ***

A VERY sleazy one this week.  I struggled with how to present my review and whether or not to give the movie a 'recommends' tag.  I decided since the aspects of the movie that I didn't enjoy are specific pet peeves of mine and perhaps aren't things that would irritate most viewers, I would go with a thumbs up.

The movie starts very abruptly and launches into several murders in an apartment block.  We don't know any of the victims nor the perpetrator.  The fact that I found the murders very disturbing and cringed numerous times, points towards the strength of the scenes, as we don't need prior knowledge nor a connection with the victims to feel an empathy.  The murders weren't dragged out (which for me can sometimes dilute the effect) and the methods, which included the sharp end of a claw hammer, a drill (with a very large drill bit), a nailgun and a knife were toe-curling (in a good way) and had me wincing and cringing.  The blood was realistic and the killer himself had an eerie madness about him.  The completely contrasting music the victims were listening to in their homes before their attacks, which end up accompanying their demise definately adds to the disturbing nature of the scenes.
One complaint I do have though (and the one thing that ruined these scenes for me) was the necessity to have 2 of the victims presented in a sexual manner when it wasn't required and is so obviously done for titillation.  We see a young woman in a bath (with a full face of makeup... bad for the skin that) masturbating.  The killer gains his entry unheard by the woman due to her loud music and he kindly waits for her to finish before dispatching her by way of a nail-gun.... the obvious pun would be something along the line of 'nailing her' but I'm not that crass.  Anyways.... I have nothing against nudity in movies, male or female, but put it in there when its required and is relevant, don't just make a murder victim nude because you can.  These scenes are meant to be disturbing, shocking and chilling, not titillating.   I did ask my husband his viewpoint on this, as a matter of interest and wanting a males perspective and his view is simply, they did this at the time because they wanted to push the boundaries as much as they could, by making the movie as controversial as they could (ie as much nudity, gore and distasteful scenes as possible).  The intention was never to titillate.   Hmmm I can see that angle, but I still reckon its distracting from the scene and for most viewers.  I mean how many naked men do we see murdered in movies?  Like I said before, its a personal pet peeve and not one which would apply to everyone, hence me giving the movie the 'Recommended' tag.

Anyways, after the first half hour, the movie takes a dramatic change of pace as we see the killer kidnap a 15 year old girl (Laurie).  Its a strange change of pace, but not a bad one and the remainder of the movie is more pyschological rather than a physical horror.  The acting is impressive, which is a big change for The Nasties List and you genuinely feel empathy with the characters.   The film is now pretty much split into 3.  A Whodunnit with a waste of time police investigation... there really was no point in even bothering with this side of things if they weren't going to do it properly.  I've seen more convincing crime solving in an episode of Scooby Doo.  Speaking of Scooby Doo,  the second part of our 3 part movie split follows our kidnapped girls brother and his friend (who just so happens to be our killers nephew) trying to solve the case themselves.  Lastly we follow the killer and kidnapper and his odd relationship with Laurie who spends the duration tied to a bed.  This was a bit uncomfortable, as although there are no sexual scenes between the killer and her, the general creepiness almost implies something is amiss.  Sadly the inevitable rape of 15 year old Laurie is factored in nearing the end of the movie, but not by our killer/kidnapper, but by his nephew.  Thankfully we are spared any gratuitous and unnecessary shots with almost everything happening off camera.  I liked the ending.  Simple and effective.  I won't give that away.  I've given away pretty much everything else.

The movie had flaws.  There are inconsistencies, there are lots of unbelievable bits, there are frustrating bits (like a victim who hides in a small room from the killer who is wielding a drill and chasing her... she leans AGAINST the door separating the 2 of them!  ARRRGGGGHH).  I will say however overall its one of the better nasties and one I could recommend to any lovers of horror who aren't too easilly offended.

Can we maintain positives movies for a few weeks???  Watch this space!

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Night of the Bloody Apes - Lisa's Review

*** SPOILERS ***

I read the title of this one and thought 'oh gawd, here we go.  How can this possibly be any good?'.  I slightly shame myself however to admit that I enjoyed this one, BUT for all the wrong reasons.  For me, this one was a 'So bad its good' movie.  I found myself tittering all the way through.  Just when you were getting over the humor of the last cheesy line, terrible peace of acting, awful effect or desperately flawed storyline, lo and behold, something else happens to amuse you!

So where do I start?  The movie is dubbed and is originally spanish.  I speak a bit of spanish (not much admittedly, but the script would have made more sense to me in its original language).  The dubbing is awful and the actual translation itself seems to have no consideration for how it might sound in english, but is rather a crude literal translation of the original language.  That did just add to the fun for me though.

The storyline here follows a surgeon, Dr Kralman and his hapless, limping, gormless side-kick Goyo.  The Dr's son Julio has leukemia and for reasons I could not understand needed gorilla blood to cure him.  This blood however would have been too strong for the human heart, so the gorilla heart had to be transplanted as well.  Sooo what do they do?  They go to a zoo and get themselves an ape of course!!  This is where the only good piece of gore in the movie takes place and that would be because it was real.  Actual footage of real open heart surgery was spliced into the movie.  What perplexed me about it however is how shaky and incompetant the hands of the real surgeon appeared!  I certainly wouldn't want his hands in my chest cavity, thats for sure!
So, the son comes around, but he now has a ridiculous ape face, that looks like its been put on by that brown window putty you used to get years ago (can you still get that?).  He also has an insatiable need to attempt to rape women (I say attempt as he never actually manages that) and murder them.  I think the rape part was just as excuse for the movie to get as many pairs of tits and arse cheeks out as they could as there need be no hint of an excuse for a pair to pop out and Oooops, out they come.  'Oh dear!  I'm running.  I'm not wearing a bra, my boobs seem to have mysteriously popped out of my dress.. dearie me'.   Later followed by 'I've just taken a shower, someone has come to the door.  I won't do what a normal person would and ignore it, or pull a dressing gown on... no, I think I shall wander to the door with a towel wrapped around my front so my arse is hanging out.  Nice look that'.  I also learned that women like to make mundane calls to their boyfriends when completely nude, with NO ulterior motive, Hmmmmmm.

Anyways Nudity covered (mwahahahaha) the next humorous thing was the effects.  We had an eyeball gouging (which would usually have me cringing, I'm not good with eyeballs) but if a pile of fatty looking mash is what's behind an eyeball, I have a lot to learn.  A toupe is pulled off a bald mans painted head (I loved that bit!) and a sellotaped piece of latex is torn away from someones neck.

We also manage to return to the start of the movie where we had 2 women wrestling (although it was clearly big men in the wrestling scenes and not the slim women shown before the fight started).  One was very badly injured and ended up in hospital in a coma.  When our surgeon dad realises what has happened to his son due to the gorilla heart, he decides to remove the female wrestlers heart and transplant it into him.  Here we have another excuse for boobs to come out.  Goyo disposes of her in the hospital furnace but sadly Julio still resorts back to his monkey-boy self.

Nearing the end of the movie, Julio runs wild at the hospital and captures a little girl.  His dad manages to convince him to hand the little girl over and in true King Kong Style, he is gunned down where is stands on top of the roof.  Finally as with werewolves, he then turns back to his normal self as he lies dying, we have some 'Walton-like' music and hey presto, its all over.

Little about this movie is good in the sense that it is meant to, but I still found I enjoyed it and would watch it again with friends.

Watch if you like a good laugh at 'So bad its good' movies!

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